Alternate Season Ten
by Kelly-Simba
Summary: Episode Four now added
1. Default Chapter

Okay so I'm back again. I had no choice really after the amount of e-mails I received that said, "finish it or die!" So firstly a big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the season nine finale. Big thanks to Jodie for checking this over for me once again.  
  
I hope to have this season finished quicker then I did the last but to be fair I was trying to write it during what was without doubt the worst year of my life. It started off so well, my football team got promoted (huzzah!), I got to see Frasier filmed (huzzah!), I got to see Robin Williams perform live (huzzah!), then my housemate fell on his head, almost died (we were allowed in to say goodbye to him) and spent months in intensive care. Then he went mad (he wanted me to press the button on his leg to defrost the kitchen) before finally being left severely disabled with no sense of smell or taste, deaf in one ear, no sense of touch down his left hand side and tunnel vision. I feel so guilty because I wasn't there to stop him from having this accident. Then my Grandad gets throat cancer, has to have radiation therapy on it which leaves him unable to swallow liquid let alone food and as a result almost died on a number of occasions. Next my football team gets relegated and my rival team gets promoted. Finally to complete my year my Grandmother suddenly died over the Easter weekend and I was too much of a baby to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her. All in all a terrible year. Let's hope this one is better considering I get my degree at the end of it.  
  
Enjoy...  
  
Frasier  
Alternative Season Ten Episode One  
The Last Hours Before Mourning?  
By  
Kelly-Simba  
  
ACT ONE  
  
(A)  
  
TITLE CARD: "THREE MONTHS EARLIER"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. FOX AND WHISTLE PUB - EVENING - DAY/1 (Alan, Roz, Donny, Daphne)  
  
EVERYONE IS AS WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF 'WIVES AND LOVERS'. DAPHNE SITS RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY NEXT TO DONNY AT THE BAR ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM AS ROZ UNNOTICED BY THEM GETS HER COAT FROM THE PEG BY THE DOOR JUST BEHIND THEM AND ALAN STANDS BEHIND THE BAR. TO THE LEFT OF THE ROOM IS A BATHROOM AND A POOL TABLE. ROZ STARES AT DAPHNE AND DONNY IN SHOCK  
  
ALAN I thought you'd left.  
  
ROZ Forgot my coat. Well bye again.  
  
ROZ GETS HER COAT AND EXITS  
  
DONNY  
What can I get you to drink? Do you still like those peach rum drinks?  
  
DAPHNE  
No, not anymore.  
  
ALAN  
Yes you do you've been...  
  
DAPHNE  
(SNAPPING AT ALAN) Shut up you're rambling. I'll have just an orange  
juice please.  
  
DONNY Can't I get you anything stronger?  
  
DAPHNE  
No thanks. I'm fine. I've got to find my way home to the Montana soon,  
Niles is waiting for me. And I don't want him worrying and calling the  
Police if I get drunk and fall asleep in a dumpster with a cat gnawing  
on my foot. And I'm not making that up either it happened to Annie's  
brother last week when he drank fourteen Rum Zombies. After that much  
alcohol he truly was one.  
  
DONNY  
Okay. Fine. Well I don't want to keep you away from Niles for any  
longer then is necessary.  
  
ALAN PUTS A BEER AND AN ORANGE JUICE ON THE BAR  
  
DONNY (CONT'D)  
Thanks. Here you go.  
  
DONNY HANDS DAPHNE HER DRINK AND STANDS CAUSING HER TO NERVOUSLY AND RATHER RELUCTANTLY TURN AROUND TO FACE HIM  
  
DONNY (CONT'D)  
Would you like to play a quick game of pool?  
  
DAPHNE Erm...okay. Sure. Why not?  
  
DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY RISES TO HER FEET BEFORE DRINKING HER ORANGE JUICE IN ONE AND PUTTING THE GLASS DOWN ON THE BAR. DONNY LOOKS AT HER CONCERNED  
  
DONNY Are you feeling okay?  
  
DAPHNE  
(RAMBLING) I'm just very thirsty. And I think I may have a cold  
coming. The vitamin C is good for me. Especially in one quick dose.  
  
DONNY  
Okay I guess that makes sense. Well you set up the table and I'll be  
right back.  
  
DONNY PUTS HIS BEER DOWN ON THE POOL TABLE BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BATHROOM  
  
ALAN  
Wow I thought this was going to be a really awkward situation but  
you're to be applauded for the way that you're handling it Daphne. I  
was expecting you to have climbed out of the window by now.  
  
DAPHNE RUSHES OVER TO THE BAR  
  
DAPHNE  
Thanks. Okay here's what we've got to do I need you to create some  
sort of diversion possibly a tiny explosion or a contained fire so  
that I can get the hell out of here.  
  
ALAN Or not. I see I spoke too soon before you went quickly insane.  
  
DAPHNE  
Just start a fire or stab yourself and get him to take you to the  
hospital or something.  
  
ALAN  
Daphne please don't take this the wrong way, but are you on any sort  
of prescribed medication? If not then maybe you should look into it  
before you start a four-alarm fire to get out of a dentists  
appointment.  
  
DAPHNE  
I'm not asking for much. You won't loose too much blood or an organ.  
The doctors are very good these days. They'll have you sown up and on  
your feet in a matter of weeks. Here stick this lemon zester in your  
leg.  
  
DAPHNE THRUSTS A LEMON ZESTER INTO ALAN'S HAND  
  
ALAN  
As appealing as stabbing myself with a sharp object covered in  
stinging citrus fruit juice is I'm going to have to say no on this  
one.  
  
DAPHNE  
Then hide me.  
  
ALAN Or you could do something radical and be an adult about this.  
  
DAPHNE Or I can say I'm ill. I have that Ebola virus. Brilliant!  
  
ALAN Or you could be an adult.  
  
DAPHNE Why do I even talk to you? What world do you live in?  
  
DONNY ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM  
  
ALAN He's coming back.  
  
DAPHNE  
Okay here's what I want you to do, I have a plan, wait for him to come  
back to the pool table and then call me to the phone.  
  
ALAN Fine.  
  
DAPHNE TURNS BACK TOWARDS DONNY AND PLASTERS A FAKE SMILE ON HER FACE  
  
DONNY You haven't racked up.  
  
DAPHNE Sorry, I didn't have a quarter and Alan wouldn't give me one.  
  
ALAN  
What can I say? I am the devil when I feel like it. I have a mean  
streak a mile wide.  
  
DONNY  
It's okay I've got one. (TO ALAN) And you might want to lighten up a  
little.  
  
ALAN PICKS UP THE PHONE RECEIVER  
  
ALAN Daphne, phone.  
  
DONNY I didn't hear it ring.  
  
ALAN It's very quiet. Only dogs and I can hear it.  
  
DAPHNE Who is it?  
  
ALAN I don't know who would you like it to be?  
  
DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND TAKES THE PHONE OFF ALAN  
  
DAPHNE  
(WHISPERS) You're not being very helpful you know. I wasn't asking you  
to cut open a major artery, just loose a little blood. Sometimes you  
can be so selfish. Just for that you're no longer invited to the  
wedding. (ON PHONE EXTREMELY LOUDLY AND MELODRAMATICALLY) Hello?  
Niles? What's wrong? Oh my God! How much skin is left? I'll come right  
home. Bye.  
  
DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR QUICKLY  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Sorry Donny. Emergency at home. It was lovely to see you again. Bye.  
  
DAPHNE EXITS AS DONNY AND ALAN JUST STARE AFTER HER AND WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(B)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. HOTEL BAR - EVENING - DAY/2 (Martin, Frasier, Roz, Allison, Zora, Freddie, Daphne, Niles, Simon, Reginald, Minister, Party Guests)  
  
ONCE AGAIN EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF 'SOME UNENCHANTED EVENING'. FRASIER, ROZ, AND MARTIN ALL STAND BY THE BAR LOOKING A LITTLE STUNNED.  
  
MARTIN Well what do we do now?  
  
ROZ  
What apart from call Jerry Springer to sort this all out?  
  
FRASIER We have to talk to Daphne.  
  
ROZ Shouldn't someone go after Niles?  
  
FRASIER  
We'd best let him cool off first. At the speed he was going we'd need  
a heavy net and a tranquilliser gun to catch him. Let him come to his  
senses, he's not exactly sober right now what with everything that's  
happened up until now. Let's talk to Daphne and find out exactly  
what's happened first. Once we've got her side of the story we can  
decide what to do from there.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL APPROACH THE DOOR LEADING INTO THE DINNING ROOM  
  
MARTIN This shouldn't be too hard.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN, AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE DINNING ROOM  
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN, AND ROZ ENTER INTO THE DINNING ROOM TO FIND THE ROOM BUZZING WITH PEOPLE ENJOYING THEMSELVES. DAPHNE IS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL FAMILY MEMBERS. THERE IS A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE DANCING IN AUTHENTIC GREEK STYLE, INCLUDING ZORA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM BLOCKING THE ROUTE THROUGH TO DAPHNE. ALLISON STANDS BY THE DOOR WATCHING THE ROOM.  
  
ROZ  
Yeah if a hundred family members weren't surrounding her like a pack  
of wolves circling their dinner. If you try to pull her out of there  
you risk loosing an arm and spending the rest of your life attached to  
a colostomy bag.  
  
FRASIER  
And thank you for that imagery. It'd be easier to pull the Queen aside  
during her coronation then it will be to get Daphne away from her  
family. We need to get her attention.  
  
FRASIER STANDS ON A CHAIR AND STARTS TO WAVE HIS ARMS ABOUT TO GET DAPHNE'S ATTENTION  
  
ROZ What is that supposed to be? Are you having an epileptic fit?  
  
MARTIN You look like you're trying to back a plane in.  
  
FRASIER GETS DOWN FROM THE CHAIR  
  
FRASIER  
I was trying to get her attention. Why else would I go like this?  
  
FRASIER GESTURES AGAIN  
  
ROZ  
I have no idea monkey boy. You looked like you were trying to get King  
Kong's attention.  
  
FRASIER  
Fine then I'll have to pull her from the irrationally violent and  
alcohol lubricated mob. If I don't live through this then tell Freddie  
that I love him.  
  
AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS DAPHNE, ALLISON STOPS THEM LOOKING CONCERNED  
  
ALLISON  
Frasier are you okay? You were waving your arms like you were being  
attacked by a swarm of bees.  
  
FRASIER Not really Allison. We're having a bit of an emergency.  
  
ALLISON (SHOUTS) Emergency?!  
  
FRASIER Shhhhhhhhh.  
  
ALLISON (WHISPERS) What's happened?  
  
DAPHNE MOVES TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND STARTS TO DANCE WITH FREDDIE  
  
FRASIER  
I'll tell you all about it later, but first I really must try to sort  
it all out before the situation gets any worse.  
  
FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN MOVE AWAY FROM ALLISON  
  
MARTIN Where is she now?  
  
ROZ We have an opening she's dancing with Freddie.  
  
FRASIER  
Oh no! This is bad. He saw Donny. We'd better get over there before he  
says anything to her.  
  
FRASIER TRIES TO CROSS THE DANCE FLOOR TO DAPHNE BUT BUMPS INTO ZORA WHO IS STILL DANCING IN A CIRCLE WITH A LARGE GROUP  
  
ZORA Watch where you're going! You tread on my foot!  
  
FRASIER I'm sorry Aunt Zora but I really need to get past.  
  
ZORA And break the circle! Never! We're dancing.  
  
FRASIER Never mind I'll go around.  
  
ZORA No come and dance with me Frasier.  
  
FRASIER I really don't have time.  
  
ZORA  
You don't have time to dance with your Aunt? As a way to bury all the  
bad blood between us? As a way to make up for everything that you've  
done to me and my family? For destroying my sons life?  
  
FRASIER  
As much as I would like to attend more family functions in the near  
future without fearing massive blood loss and hearing damage I really  
can't right now. But here. This one's on me.  
  
FRASIER PICKS UP A PLATE OFF A NEARBY TABLE AND SMASHES IN ON THE FLOOR BEFORE WALKING AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR WITH MARTIN AND ROZ. MARTIN LOOKS BACK AT THE PLATE CONCERNED  
  
MARTIN Do you really think that was such a smart idea?  
  
FRASIER What harm can it do?  
  
ZORA PICKS UP A PLATE AND SMASHES IT ON THE FLOOR  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Ah. (THEN) I seem to have started a trend.  
  
SEVERAL OTHER RELATIVES START TO SMASH PLATES ON THE FLOOR  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
That appears to be spreading like a bush fire. Oh well I'll write  
Niles a cheque out later after I've attempted to save his impending  
marriage.  
  
ROZ  
Just an average day in the life of a superhero. How long will it be  
before you start to wear your underwear on the outside of your pants?  
  
WE FOCUS IN ON DAPHNE AND FREDDIE DANCING AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ TRY TO REACH THEM  
  
FREDDIE Daphne is Uncle Niles upset with me?  
  
DAPHNE Of course not Freddie. Why would you think that?  
  
FREDDIE He yelled at me earlier.  
  
DAPHNE What for?  
  
FRASIER FINALLY REACHES DAPHNE  
  
FRASIER Daphne can I speak to you for a moment please?  
  
DAPHNE Sure what about?  
  
FRASIER Actually it's personal. Can you come outside to the bar?  
  
DAPHNE  
Okay. (TO FREDDIE) I'll be right back kind gentleman. Save the next  
dance for me.  
  
DAPHNE GOES TO FOLLOW FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ INTO THE BAR  
  
FREDDIE (CHEEKILY) Okay Auntie Daphne.  
  
DAPHNE I told you not to call me that you little monster.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE BAR  
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL BAR - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE DINNING ROOM. DAPHNE WAITS FOR AN EXPLANATION AS EVERYONE ELSE STANDS IN SILENCE IN FRONT OF HER  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Okay what's going on? (PAUSE) Other then you've taken a vow of silence  
and developed a knack for looking completely gormless.  
  
A BEAT  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
You know only one of the Marx brothers was mute. (PAUSE) Okay next  
question. Do any of you know where Niles has gone? No sooner had we  
found the glass eye and then I lost my fiancÃ©.  
  
FRASIER Erm...yes we know where he is.  
  
DAPHNE  
Ah so you haven't all become Monk's. (PAUSE) So? And? Is it a secret?  
Or are you allowed to tell me where he is?  
  
MARTIN Well, you see...Daphne...  
  
ROZ I'll tell her. It's like this...you know...  
  
DAPHNE  
Will one of you please just spit it out? I do marry him in the morning  
you know. It would be nice to know if he's bound and gagged in a  
cupboard or just in the toilet.  
  
FRASIER I think you should sit down.  
  
FRASIER TRIES TO GET HER TO SIT DOWN ON A BAR STOOL  
  
DAPHNE What's going on?  
  
MARTIN Maybe we should get you a stiff drink. What would you like?  
  
ROZ  
She can't have alcohol remember. Although I could sure as hell do with  
one. I'll get her some water.  
  
DAPHNE  
Will you all stop trying to ply me with alcohol and please tell me  
what's going on?  
  
FRASIER Daphne sit down.  
  
DAPHNE  
I don't want to sit down I want to know what's going on with Niles.  
Dr. Crane will you please tell me what the hell is happening? You're  
scaring me.  
  
FRASIER It's about Niles.  
  
DAPHNE What's happened? Is he hurt?  
  
FRASIER In a manner of speaking yes. (PAUSE) Donny was just here.  
  
DAPHNE What? Why?  
  
FRASIER He told Niles what had happened between you and him.  
  
DAPHNE (DEVASTATED) Oh my God!  
  
DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AND FALLS BACK AGAINST THE BAR STOOL BEFORE SITTING DOWN. MARTIN TRIES TO BE COMFORTING AND RUBS HER SHOULDER.  
  
MARTIN It's all right Daph. Don't panic, we know it's not true.  
  
DAPHNE  
But it is true Mr. Crane. I knew this would happen sooner or later. I  
wasn't going to be able to keep it a secret forever no matter how hard  
I tried.  
  
FRASIER Then you admit it?  
  
DAPHNE  
Yes it's true.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL SHARE SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED LOOKS  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
What are those horrified looks for? It wasn't my finest hour I'll  
admit but it's not that bad. I've done worse things. Telling my mother  
where I was moving to is one of them.  
  
MARTIN Oh Daphne honey. Why?  
  
DAPHNE  
He just showed up out of the blue, I felt obligated to have at least a  
quick one with him after everything that I've put him through.  
  
FRASIER  
(SHOUTS) You didn't have to do that! You didn't owe him that much!  
  
DAPHNE  
What are you getting so wound up for? It's not that big a deal. It was  
a quick in and out job that's all. I took one big gulp and that was  
it, Bob's your uncle.  
  
ROZ Oh Daphne.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh Daphne what? I had no choice he surprised me. I'd had a bit to  
drink and I couldn't think straight and it all happened so quickly. It  
was so quick we didn't even have time for a stiff one. (THEN) Niles  
really knows everything?  
  
FRASIER Yes I'm afraid he does.  
  
DAPHNE  
I know it must be a shock for him but it's nothing to get this worked  
up about. It's not as if I've been secretly mugging old ladies. I mean  
I didn't want to do it.  
  
NILES ENTERS FROM THE DOOR LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE AND LISTENS TO THE CONVERSATION  
  
MARTIN He forced you to do it?  
  
DAPHNE  
Well kind of. I didn't have that much choice really. No sooner had I  
finished my drink than he grabbed the balls and pushed it in my hand.  
  
NILES Well then I guess that clears up any nagging doubts I had.  
  
NILES TURNS TO LEAVE  
  
FRASIER Niles!  
  
DAPHNE Niles wait!  
  
NILES Save it! I don't want to hear.  
  
NILES EXITS HURRIEDLY AS DAPHNE ATTEMPTS TO FOLLOW HIM  
  
DAPHNE Niles!  
  
FRASIER Daphne it's best to leave him to cool off for a while.  
  
DAPHNE I don't understand why he's getting so upset about this.  
  
FRASIER  
You can't be surprised Daphne for God's sake! You're getting married  
tomorrow and now he finds out you slept with Donny!  
  
DAPHNE I...what? No! No I didn't.  
  
FRASIER (SHOUTS) What? You just admitted it to us!  
  
DAPHNE  
No I admitted that I ran into him in the pub, had a quick drink and  
then left as quick as I could knocking old ladies with walkers and  
children with jump ropes out of my way as I ran despite his desperate  
pleas for me to stay and play a game of pool with him.  
  
MARTIN Oh no!  
  
DAPHNE Donny told Niles that I slept with him?!  
  
FRASIER Worse, he told him that the baby was his.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh my God! That vindictive bastard! I don't believe this. How did he  
even know I was pregnant in the first place? Has he been stalking my  
gynaecologist as well now?  
  
FRASIER  
That may have been down to me. (DEFENSIVELY) I'm sorry! I'm excited.  
How was I to know he still listened to my show?  
  
DAPHNE (SHOUTS) Oh why does anyone listen to your show you imbecile?  
  
FRASIER I think imbecile's a bit strong.  
  
DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN ON THE STALL WITH HER HEAD IN HER HANDS  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh my God and Niles heard everything that I just said. How on earth is  
he supposed to interpret that?  
  
ROZ (COMFORTING) It's all right Daphne just calm down.  
  
DAPHNE  
How is everything all right? I've just made things worse and I didn't  
even know that was possible. He thinks I've had an affair. Why would  
he even believe Donny anyway?  
  
ROZ (GUILTILY) Well I may have contributed a tiny bit to that.  
  
DAPHNE How?  
  
ROZ I saw you talking to Donny.  
  
DAPHNE  
Yes talking to him, not exchanging fluids with him! Dr. Crane he'll  
listen to you, you've got to tell me you believe me.  
  
FRASIER STANDS IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND PUTS HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS  
  
FRASIER You didn't sleep with Donny?  
  
DAPHNE No!  
  
FRASIER  
Then that's good enough for me. You wait here. Let me go and find him,  
and my bottle of sedatives.  
  
FRASIER EXITS FOLLOWING NILES  
  
DAPHNE  
I don't believe this is happening. What's next? Is Mel going to turn  
up and calm that they're still legally married.  
  
MARTIN  
That isn't going to happen. (THEN) You saw the divorce papers right?  
Don't worry Daph everything will be fine.  
  
DAPHNE  
How is everything going to be fine? This weekend has been a disaster.  
Short of the roof falling on all my brothers I don't see how things  
can get any worse.  
  
SIMON AND REGINALD ENTER FROM THE DINNING ROOM CARRYING THE UNCONSCIOUS HOTEL MINISTER  
  
SIMON  
Don't worry about it. He just needs a little lie down and then he'll  
be as right as rain.  
  
SIMON, REGINALD, AND THE MINSTER EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR FRASIER WENT OUT OF, ACCIDENTALLY BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE DOOR FRAME AS THEY GO  
  
DAPHNE  
Please tell me that wasn't the hotel minister's head they've just  
dented the doorframe with.  
  
ROZ I would but I'd be lying.  
  
AS DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD ON ROZ'S SHOULDER AND MARTIN TAKES HER HAND WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(C)  
  
TITLE CARD: "DECISION BEFORE DAWN"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS AND LAKE - EVENING - DAY/2 (Frasier, Niles, Simon, Reginald, Minister, Donny)  
  
NILES SITS ON HIS OWN ON THE GRASS BY THE EDGE OF THE LAKE STARING UP AT THE SKY. THERE ARE SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS MILLING AROUND IN THE DISTANCE SINGING QUITE LOUDLY AND DRUNKENLY BUT NILES HARDLY NOTICES THEY ARE THERE. FRASIER APPROACHES NILES SLOWLY FROM BEHIND.  
  
FRASIER Niles.  
  
NILES Frasier.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER MOVES CLOSER TO NILES UNTIL HE STANDS NEXT TO HIM  
  
FRASIER  
What are you doing out here? Apart from listening to Daphne's  
relatives delightful singing about...did they just sing about plucking  
a chicken?  
  
NILES  
Probably. You've missed the song about the brothel owner.  
  
FRASIER  
Damn all the luck.  
  
NILES  
I'm just thinking. How many stars are up there do you think?  
  
FRASIER Thousands. Millions. Infinite numbers.  
  
NILES  
Do you think if I stayed out here long enough I'd be able to count  
them all.  
  
FRASIER It's doubtful. To start with you'd loose count.  
  
NILES And not to mention it's cloudy.  
  
FRASIER Yes well that too. (THEN) Are you all right?  
  
NILES  
It's amazing how quickly your whole life can come tumbling down around  
your ears and there's nothing you can do about it, isn't it?  
  
FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES  
  
FRASIER About that Niles, I just spoke with Daphne and...  
  
NILES  
Actually if you don't mind I really don't want to talk about that  
right now Frasier. I'd rather just sit here and talk about the stars.  
  
FRASIER Okay. I can respect that.  
  
NILES Thank you.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER It really is beautiful here. Well except for that dead bush.  
  
NILES  
It was alive when I came out here. It seems that Billy and Michael  
have mistakenly confused it with the restroom. They thought I was the  
bathroom attendant. Still at least I made five dollars out of it.  
  
FRASIER I hesitate to ask why the grass is wet.  
  
NILES  
Just be thankful you weren't the rather shocked and wet family of  
racoons that came running from the bush probably traumatised for life.  
  
FRASIER  
Well there's always that to hold on to I guess. Even so it's still  
very pretty here.  
  
NILES  
Yes it is. The perfect place to get married one might say. Maybe you  
and Allison should take advantage of it.  
  
FRASIER Oh I don't think that we're ready for that yet Niles.  
  
NILES That surprises me. You seem so close.  
  
FRASIER  
I think her group of puppets might object if I don't ask their  
permission to propose first but you know Niles I really don't feel  
that now is the right time to discuss that. I know you don't want to  
but I need to talk about you and Daphne. Time is of the essence as  
they say.  
  
NILES  
You know Frasier when I first saw her I thought she was the most  
beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on in my entire life and knew  
right there and then that I would marry her one-day. This morning when  
I woke up and she was lying asleep next to me I still thought she was  
the most beautiful creature that I'd ever laid eyes on.  
  
FRASIER  
And Daphne's not even a morning person. She's been known to frighten  
whole villages away. How do you feel now?  
  
NILES  
If feelings don't change over the course of nine years, they're not  
going to change in a single day or over the course of a few hours.  
  
FRASIER  
(REFLECTING ON EARLIER WITH ROZ) Well you'd think that'd be the case.  
  
SUDDENLY THE HEAVENS OPEN AND THE RAIN STARTS TO COME DOWN REALLY HEAVILY  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Oh great! This is all we need.  
  
FRASIER STANDS TO GO BACK INSIDE  
  
NILES This may make it harder to count the stars.  
  
FRASIER  
If you stare at the sky for too long you'll drown. Come on Niles,  
let's go in before you catch your death.  
  
NILES GETS TO HIS FEET AND STARTS TO FOLLOW FRASIER. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT NILES STOPS WALKING  
  
A BEAT  
  
NILES Frasier wait.  
  
FRASIER STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE NILES  
  
FRASIER What's the matter?  
  
NILES I'm getting married in the morning.  
  
FRASIER What?  
  
NILES I said I'm getting married in the morning.  
  
FRASIER But what about what Donny told you?  
  
NILES  
Even if it's true which I doubt, I don't care. I can't live without  
her.  
  
FRASIER  
It's not true Niles. She had a drink and a game of pool with him  
that's all.  
  
NILES  
Ah. I see. Now having a quick one and a stiff one suddenly makes a lot  
more sense.  
  
FRASIER I'm so relieved to hear you say that.  
  
NILES I love her.  
  
FRASIER I know you do.  
  
NILES I'm going to marry her tomorrow if she'll forgive me.  
  
FRASIER Don't you mean today?  
  
NILES What time is it?  
  
NILES LOOKS AT HIS WATCH  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Yes. I am. I'm getting married today.  
  
FRASIER  
Then let's get you in out of the rain so you don't sneeze all over the  
minister.  
  
FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND NILES AND GOES TO LEAD HIM INSIDE BUT STOP AS THEY SEE SIMON AND REGINALD ENTER OUTSIDE STILL CARRYING THE MINISTER. THEY PUT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAWN AS NILES AND FRASIER JUST STARE AT THEM  
  
SIMON  
Just drop him. Let's see if he bounces. He'll soon sober up. Or get  
eaten by a passing bear. Either way it's not our problem, it's  
Blinkey's.  
  
SIMON AND REGINALD DROP THE MINSTER ON THE FLOOR WITH A THUD, BEFORE SIMON KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HIM  
  
REGINALD  
What are you doing? You can't mug him! We're already going to hell for  
getting a man of the cloth drunk, why annoy God anymore?  
  
SIMON  
It's not like we forced him to drink it. I may have poured it in his  
mouth but he's the one that swallowed it. I'm just getting his drink.  
Waste not want not.  
  
SIMON GETS THE GLASS OUT OF THE MINISTERS HAND AND STANDS. AS HE GOES TO GO BACK INSIDE HE TRIPS OVER THE MINISTER'S LEG SPILLING THE DRINK ALL OVER THE GRASS  
  
REGINALD Well done.  
  
SIMON There'll be some pissed worms about in the morning.  
  
SIMON AND REGINALD EXIT BACK INSIDE AS FRASIER AND NILES JUST STARE AT THEM  
  
NILES It's best not to ask. I find it prevents a lot of migraines.  
  
FRASIER  
I wasn't going to, they're not going to be my in-laws. Although you  
may want to be concerned over the fact that it appears to be the  
minister they've just dragged outside. Your sneezing on him seems to  
be the least of his worries right now. Getting a liver transplant and  
a new profession should be top of his list.  
  
NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS  
  
NILES Oh my God!  
  
FRASIER AND NILES CONTINUE TO WALK IN THE RAIN BEFORE ROUNDING THE CORNER TO GO INSIDE. AS THEY TURN THE CORNER THEY SEE DONNY STANDING BY HIS CAR TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE. THEY BOTH HEAR EVERYTHING THAT HE SAYS  
  
DONNY  
(ON THE PHONE) I'm just about to start back now. Perfectly. The dumb  
bastard bought every word I told him. I know! At least he now knows  
what it's like to have your heart ripped out.  
  
NILES STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIM  
  
FRASIER Niles wait. Think before you act. Niles! Think before you act!  
  
NILES STANDS BEHIND DONNY AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER  
  
NILES Donny.  
  
DONNY TURNS AROUND AND OUT OF NOWHERE NILES SUDDENLY CONJURES UP HIS STRENGTH AND PUNCHES HIM, SENDING HIS SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Come within fifty feet of me or my wife and child again and I'll hit  
you a lot harder then that. Do we understand each other?  
  
DONNY  
Perfectly.  
  
DONNY QUICKLY GETS IN HIS CAR AND DRIVES AWAY AS NILES STARES AFTER HIM AND FRASIER LOOKS ON IN SHOCK. FRASIER SLOWLY APPROACHES NILES  
  
FRASIER I think you broke his nose.  
  
NILES That may have been what that crunching sound was.  
  
FRASIER  
I'm so proud of you Niles. But remind me never to argue with you again  
about a line call during a game of squash. I'd hate to have my racket  
surgically removed.  
  
NILES Or maybe that crunching sound was my hand.  
  
FRASIER What?  
  
NILES SUDDENLY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN  
  
NILES  
Has he gone? I can't see. Either the lights have gone out or I've gone  
blind from the pain.  
  
FRASIER What's wrong?  
  
NILES SHOWS FRASIER HIS HAND BUT WON'T LOOK AT IT HIMSELF  
  
NILES  
I think I may have broken my hand. I can't look. Am I bleeding? Are  
all my fingers still there?  
  
FRASIER Does this hurt?  
  
FRASIER BENDS ONE OF NILES' FINGERS BACK  
  
NILES  
Oh my God! If it wasn't broken before it is now! Couldn't you have  
given me a wooden spoon to bite on?  
  
FRASIER I have to check to see what's wrong.  
  
FRASIER BENDS NILES' FINGER AGAIN  
  
NILES  
Stop doing that! They didn't bend that way before I hit him; so  
they're not going to do it now! Why don't you just shoot me it'd be  
more humane.  
  
FRASIER I'm sorry.  
  
NILES I think I need to go to the hospital.  
  
FRASIER Hadn't you better talk to Daphne first?  
  
NILES  
You're right. That's if I don't pass out from the pain first. Help me  
walk.  
  
FRASIER  
If you do I can just lay you out next to the minister.  
  
FRASIER TAKES NILES BY THE ARM AND HELPS HIM INSIDE AS WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(D)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT - DAY/2 (Roz, Daphne, Allison, Niles, Frasier)  
  
ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE EMPTY BALLROOM ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE  
  
ROZ  
Are you sure you don't want to tell your Mother about what's going on  
Daphne? I'd want my Mom to know.  
  
DAPHNE  
You have met her right? Short woman. Breathes fire. Carries a hatchet  
in her purse. Explodes in direct sunlight.  
  
ROZ Good point. I get the feeling she doesn't exactly like Niles.  
  
DAPHNE  
What tipped you off? The fact that she arrived in a black dress and  
veil or that she keeps beating him with her purse. I wouldn't be  
shocked to see a voodoo doll of him covered in pins fall out of her  
suitcase before she leaves.  
  
ROZ Actually I think it was the "randy little sod" comment.  
  
DAPHNE  
At least she's come up with a pet name for him. I can't tell her. This  
weekend has been traumatic enough without giving my mother a stroke to  
go with it. It'd be months before we could get her out of the country  
then. By that time the whole of the Western seaboard would have  
started to submerge under the Pacific. I can't be responsible for  
that. I'd be deported.  
  
ROZ  
You have such a loving family. Especially when alcohol is involved.  
  
DAPHNE Alcohol is the soul reason that my parents have any children.  
  
ROZ She might surprise you and be comforting.  
  
DAPHNE  
This is the same woman who throws pointy rocks at kittens from her  
bedroom window to get them out of the garden. Comforting she is not.  
  
ROZ What did happen with Donny after I left?  
  
DAPHNE  
He bought me an orange juice, which I drank so fast my gums nearly  
peeled themselves off my teeth. Not an experience I'd recommend. Then  
he went to the toilet and I got Alan to call me to the phone when he  
came back. And that was it. I ran so fast I didn't have chance to grab  
the door handle. There was a Daphne shaped hole in the front door.  
That was a disastrous night all round as well. And now this.  
Everything's just one big mess. The Moon's can't have a normal  
wedding. Something always happens. The Police are usually called to a  
fight, or a fire, or a murder. At least there hasn't been an explosion  
at this one so far.  
  
ROZ Ignoring the word murder for just a moment, explosion?  
  
DAPHNE  
Never let my Uncle Benny near anything that might contain gas. Or hair  
spray for that matter. Actually just anything even remotely flammable.  
He set Aunt Mary's hair on fire at her funeral. If she wasn't dead  
before it happened she certainly was after. It's just a shame that she  
was going to be buried and not cremated. We could have saved some  
money. But we did warn him. A chain smoker with a severe nervous  
condition should not insist on giving his wife an open casket. Anyway  
I can't tell my family, they take adultery very seriously even though  
I haven't actually done anything. My Great Uncle tied his wife to a  
train track after he was released from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp  
only to find out that she'd had an affair.  
  
ROZ  
How are you not in therapy? Or at least a regular guest on daytime  
talk shows by now?  
  
DAPHNE  
Well I was planning on marrying a therapist who could have helped me  
but that doesn't seem very likely anymore.  
  
ROZ SEES THAT DAPHNE IS BEGINNING TO GET UPSET AGAIN  
  
ROZ  
And now we're getting depressing again. Let's focus on something else,  
something lighter.  
  
DAPHNE STARTS TO RUB HER FACE  
  
DAPHNE  
You're right. Let's talk about something different. How are you Roz?  
Have you enjoyed the evening so far?  
  
ROZ  
Actually Daphne if you don't mind, I know this isn't the perfect time  
or place under the circumstances but I would kind of like to talk to  
you about something. It's really personal and I know you'll probably  
get a big laugh out of it.  
  
DAPHNE  
Isn't this the sort of thing you'd talk to Dr. Crane about and then  
I'd hear about it when he tells Niles?  
  
ROZ Wait a second, he tells Niles everything I tell him?  
  
DAPHNE  
Pretty much. You can't honestly be surprised. And you think we gossip.  
We're nothing compared to those two. All they need to do is grow an  
old lady moustache each, put their teeth in their pockets and they'd  
be a pair of washerwomen.  
  
ROZ  
Well that's the last time I confined in Frasier. I would tell him  
normally but I can't this time because...  
  
ALLISON ENTERS INTERRUPTING ROZ  
  
ALLISON Hey guys.  
  
ROZ We'll talk about it later.  
  
ALLISON I'm not interrupting anything am I? I can come back.  
  
ROZ Only some distracting small talk. What's happening in there?  
  
ALLISON  
Simon has just fallen asleep on top of a table with his face in a  
flower arrangement and now the rest of your brothers are trying to put  
his hand in a glass of warm water to get him to pee himself.  
  
DAPHNE  
What do you mean trying? How hard can that be? Although saying that  
Simon spends at least twenty-three hours a day with his hands down his  
trousers. Which reminds me don't shake hands with him tomorrow.  
  
ALLISON  
Thanks for the warning but I've already shaken his hand today. They've  
spent the last thirty minutes trying to find a way to get some warm  
water.  
  
DAPHNE Why don't they just use the hot tape in the bathroom?  
  
ROZ Or ask a waiter?  
  
ALLISON  
All good suggestions but they've been drinking all day. It took four  
of them, twenty minutes and all their brainpower to work out which way  
the glass goes to put the water in it. In the end Audrey had to show  
them.  
  
DAPHNE And she only has one eye.  
  
ALLISON  
It appears that one eye is one more then all their IQ points put  
together.  
  
DAPHNE  
You've got that right. At school the name for the class that all the  
slow kids had to go into was known as 'The Moon Gang.' Everyone  
naturally assumed that I was adopted because I was in a regular class.  
  
DAPHNE SMILES FOR THE FIRST TIME  
  
ROZ Well at least we've got that smile back on your face.  
  
NILES AND FRASIER ENTER SOAKING WET. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY SEES THEM AND THE SMILES DISAPPEARS  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) Or not.  
  
DAPHNE Hello.  
  
NILES Hi.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER How about you two ladies let me get you a drink? Or three?  
  
ROZ Thank you.  
  
ROZ STANDS AND SHE ALONG WITH FRASIER AND ALLISON MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR AS NILES AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER  
  
ALLISON  
That's if there's anything even slightly alcoholic left in the  
building with Daphne's brothers.  
  
ROZ Don't you mean state?  
  
FRASIER, ROZ, AND ALLISON EXIT AS NILES JUTS STANDS IN FRONT OF DAPHNE  
  
DAPHNE You're soaking.  
  
NILES It's raining.  
  
DAPHNE That's good it might cool things down a bit.  
  
NILES Maybe.  
  
A BEAT  
  
DAPHNE Where have you been?  
  
NILES Just outside. Thinking.  
  
DAPHNE What about?  
  
NILES Us.  
  
DAPHNE Is there an us?  
  
NILES That's what I've been trying to figure out.  
  
DAPHNE  
Look I doubt that you'll believe me anyway Niles since even I'm not  
that blind and can see that things do look incriminating but I only  
saw Donny once. I didn't tell you because I thought it would worry you  
and besides there was nothing really to tell. It was only for a few  
minutes. It was a real quick in and out job that's all. No, no, no  
that's not what I meant. Let me rephrase. I agreed to have a drink and  
then I got the hell out of there as quick as I could so I could come  
home to you. I love you. I wanted to be with you. He asked me but I  
wouldn't even have a stiff one with him. I didn't mean it like that  
either. Oh God. You can go ahead and call off the wedding now.  
  
DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS  
  
NILES I hit Donny.  
  
DAPHNE  
But I want you to remember one thing. I have not done anything wrong.  
I love you more then anything, this is your baby and...what?  
  
NILES I hit Donny.  
  
DAPHNE When? Why?  
  
NILES PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS EXTREMELY CLOSE OPPOSITE DAPHNE  
  
NILES  
Just now. Outside. Right after I decided that I didn't care or believe  
what Donny had told me. Right after I decided that I'd trust you with  
my life. Right after I decided that you would never do that, you're  
not that kind of person. Right after I decided that I love you and  
couldn't bear to be apart from you for one minute. That I adore you  
Daphne and I want to marry you more then anything in the world.  
  
DAPHNE I'm so glad to hear you say that. Come here.  
  
THEY HUG EACH OTHER TIGHTLY  
  
A BEAT  
  
NILES I love you. I'm so sorry I stormed off.  
  
DAPHNE  
That's okay. Forget about it. This is all my fault I should have told  
you that I saw him.  
  
NILES Forget it. Forget it.  
  
THEY FINALLY BREAK THE HUG  
  
DAPHNE Are we going to be okay?  
  
NILES Well I'm going to fine. Are you are okay?  
  
DAPHNE Yeah.  
  
NILES  
Then we'll be fine. Especially when I finally get that ring on your  
finger in the morning.  
  
THEY KISS AS DAPHNE TAKES HOLD OF NILES' HANDS  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Ow, ow, ow! Actually scratch that last statement. I think I may have  
broken my hand. And I think that made it worse.  
  
DAPHNE What on?  
  
NILES Donny's nose.  
  
DAPHNE Let me see.  
  
DAPHNE BENDS NILES' FINGERS BACK AS FRASIER DID  
  
NILES  
Ouch! Ouch! Why does everyone think it's such a good idea to see if my  
fingers bend that way?! Just ask me and I can tell you, they don't.  
  
DAPHNE KISSES HIS HAND  
  
DAPHNE  
Well it certainly matches your eye. We should just be thankful that  
you're right handed otherwise we'd have to smear your finger with  
butter before I could put that ring on it tomorrow.  
  
NILES  
I don't think it would matter. The minister is currently lying  
unconscious on the lawn. He's so drunk, tomorrow you could put the  
ring on my toe and I don't think he'd batter an eyelid.  
  
AS THEY HUG AGAIN WE:  
FADE OUT  
END OF ACT ONE  
  
ACT TWO  
  
(E)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - MORNING - DAY/3 (Simon, Michael, Stephen, Nigel, Reginald, Mrs. Moon, Billy, Frasier, Niles, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Minister, Wedding Guests)  
  
THE GROUNDS ARE SET UP READY FOR THE WEDDING CEREMONY JUST BY THE LAKE. ALL OF THE GUESTS ARE ALREADY ASSEMBLED INCLUDING ALL OF DAPHNE'S BROTHERS AND MRS. MOON SITTING NEAR THE FRONT ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE. THE MINISTER LOOKS A LITTLE ILL AS HE WAITS BY THE ALTER NEXT TO NILES ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE, WHO NOW HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS HAND TO GO WITH HIS BLACK EYE, AND FRASIER. WE FOCUS IN ON THE MOON FAMILY WHO ALL LOOK VERY ILL.  
  
SIMON I think I'm dying. I can see a bright light.  
  
MICHAEL That's the sun. Tilt your head forward.  
  
SIMON  
I would but I'm afraid it might fall off if I do. I think I'm still  
drunk.  
  
STEPHEN  
That makes two of us. At least there's a priest here to read us the  
last rights if we take a turn for the worst.  
  
NIGEL I think I've lost all sense of taste.  
  
REGINALD I feel like I have wallpaper paste in my mouth.  
  
SIMON Lucky you. My mouth tastes like the inside of a horse's arse.  
  
MRS. MOON  
Will you lot stop shouting! Some of us are in an extremely delicate  
condition this morning. And I've no idea why I only had one glass of  
wine last night.  
  
STEPHEN It's not classed as one when you keep refilling the glass Mum!  
  
MRS. MOON Stephen Moon bite your tongue!  
  
SIMON Ow! Mum keep it down!  
  
BILLY Will you all be quiet before my head explodes?  
  
WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND FRASIER STANDING BY THE ALTER. NILES APPEARS TO BE SWEATING AN AWFUL LOT  
  
FRASIER  
The minister looks a little green around the gills shall we say this  
morning.  
  
NILES  
I think he may still be slightly drunk. I saw him talking to the ice  
sculpture earlier.  
  
FRASIER That's funny I didn't see him talking to Lilith.  
  
NILES Have you got the rings?  
  
FRASIER  
No I dropped them in the lake.  
  
NILES  
(HYSTERICAL) WHAT?!  
  
FRASIER  
Niles I'm joking with you.  
  
NILES  
And I'll laugh with you Frasier as soon as the bleeding from my brain  
haemorrhage stops.  
  
FRASIER  
For the hundredth time in the last ten minutes, yes I have the rings.  
Relax everything is taken care of. (NOTICING NILES SWEATING) Niles are  
you feeling okay? You're soaking.  
  
NILES I'm sweating like the pig that knows he's dinner.  
  
FRASIER  
Okay interesting, I suppose that has something to do with the fact  
that you don't appear to be breathing.  
  
NILES You want me to breathe?  
  
FRASIER  
Well as a doctor I'd advise it Niles. It is traditional. And if you do  
the chances of you passing out in a puddle of drool on me decrease  
vastly and since this suit is Armani I'd rather like to avoid it.  
  
NILES Okay. Fine.  
  
NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO HYPERVENTILATE  
  
FRASIER Although not like that. You're hyperventilating. Calm down.  
  
NILES  
I can't. So much has gone wrong this weekend. I'm just waiting for the  
tidal wave, or an earthquake or a giant monkey to appear from the  
woods and stomp on us.  
  
FRASIER  
Okay firstly tidal waves from lakes are quite rare and giant monkeys  
aren't known to populate this state. If we were in Utah it would be an  
entirely different story.  
  
NILES What about the earthquake?  
  
FRASIER  
If that happens then you two are truly cursed, your baby will be the  
devil reborn and the two of you should never be allowed within fifty  
feet of one another ever again. There now do you feel any better?  
  
NILES  
Not even a fraction. I didn't think I'd be able to feel worse but  
you've proved me wrong once again.  
  
FRASIER  
Well maybe you would feel better if you weren't breathing like you'd  
just run a mile with a cow strapped to your back.  
  
NILES  
Unfortunately Frasier I currently only have two breathing settings,  
this or not at all.  
  
FRASIER  
Considering you probably don't want to appear blue on your wedding  
photos I think you've made the right decision.  
  
MRS. MOON  
(SHOUTS) Will you stop screaming at him! He's standing right next to  
you not hiding in a bloody cave in Vietnam!  
  
FRASIER Sorry.  
  
MRS. MOON  
(TO NILES) And you could bloody well breathe quieter if you tried.  
  
MARTIN APPROACHES NILES AND FRASIER  
  
FRASIER Well, very nice. You look very snappy Dad. Are you ready?  
  
MARTIN SPEAKS WITH AN EXTREMELY QUIET AND STRAINED VOICE  
  
MARTIN Frasier I've got a problem.  
  
FRASIER  
I know that everyone is in a rather delicate condition this morning  
with more alcohol then blood pumping through their veins but you don't  
have to whisper.  
  
MRS. MOON Really?  
  
MRS. MOON GLARES AT FRASIER AS NILES CONTINUES TO HYPERVENTILATE  
  
NILES  
Do as she says Frasier, she's irrationally violent and it's far easier  
then loosing an organ or tufts of hair over it.  
  
FRASIER  
Tufts of hair?  
  
NILES  
She carries an electric razor in her purse in case of muggers.  
  
FRASIER Point noted. What's the matter?  
  
MARTIN I've...(TO NILES) what's wrong with you?  
  
NILES Can't breathe, waiting for explosion, might die.  
  
FRASIER A slight case of the nerves.  
  
MARTIN Gee do you think? Here breathe into this.  
  
MARTIN TAKES A BROWN PAPER BAG FROM OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO NILES WHO STARTS TO BREATHE INTO IT  
  
FRASIER  
You brought that with you?  
  
MARTIN  
Do I know my son or do I know my son?  
  
FRASIER Now what's the matter?  
  
MARTIN I don't know.  
  
FRASIER  
Then how do you expect me to know? Dad can you speak up I can hardly  
hear you.  
  
MARTIN I can't.  
  
FRASIER Why?  
  
MARTIN I don't know why.  
  
FRASIER  
I'm confused. If this is some sort of new guessing game, now is not  
the ideal time to play it.  
  
MARTIN I think I've lost my voice.  
  
FRASIER How?  
  
MARTIN  
I put it down for a moment and then a pixy flew down and stole it. I  
tried to chase it but I wasn't quick enough. How do you think I lost  
it?!? You're the doctor!  
  
FRASIER Is this so you don't have to make your speech?  
  
MARTIN  
Yeah I did this on purpose. It's all part of my evil master plan so  
that I never have to speak in public again. Excuse me while I go and  
twirl my villainous moustache. Now what do I do about it?  
  
FRASIER You're nervous aren't you?  
  
MARTIN A little.  
  
FRASIER  
From a psychological stance this makes perfect sense. What you're  
experiencing in my opinion is an...  
  
MARTIN Can you cut the mumbo jumbo and just help me?  
  
FRASIER  
Fine if that's your attitude. Just suck it up and ask for the  
microphone to be turned up louder.  
  
ROZ APPROACHES FRASIER WEARING A BRIDESMAID'S GOWN THAT FOR ONCE ISN'T HIDEOUS  
  
ROZ Frasier I need to talk to you.  
  
FRASIER Sure what about?  
  
ROZ I think you know what about.  
  
FRASIER Okay. Niles will you be okay?  
  
NILES  
I'll be fine. Even though I've just eaten the receipt out of this bag.  
  
MARTIN  
Well then I hope you like your wedding present because I can't take it  
back now.  
  
FRASIER I'll be right back.  
  
FRASIER GOES TO WALK AWAY WITH ROZ TOWARDS THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE CONGREGATION  
  
NILES Actually Frasier I seem to have lost all feeling in my legs.  
  
FRASIER Well Dad's lost his voice. You can both help each other.  
  
NILES CLINGS TO MARTIN AS HIS LEGS GIVE WAY CAUSING THEM BOTH TO NEARLY FALL OVER. FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE AWAY SO THAT ARE OUT OF EARSHOT  
  
ROZ What's his problem?  
  
FRASIER He's still a little nervous.  
  
ROZ  
A little? There are soldiers about to charge from the trenches who are  
less nervous then he is.  
  
FRASIER  
Wouldn't you be nervous if they were about to become your family?  
  
WE FOCUS IN ON THE MOON'S AS SIMON SUDDENLY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET AND RUNS  
  
SIMON I'm going to be sick.  
  
MRS. MOON  
Don't do it on your shoes again! It took me an hour to clean the ruddy  
things this morning.  
  
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND ROZ  
  
ROZ Good point.  
  
FRASIER  
Add to that the minister is so drunk he's seeing four grooms, most of  
the guests have got hangovers and Niles is broken in several places.  
  
ROZ RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY AND NERVOUSLY STARES AT HER SHOES  
  
ROZ Frasier...I...  
  
FRASIER You can talk to me Roz.  
  
ROZ  
At the moment I can't even look you in the eye. Those are nice shoes  
by the way. Are they new?  
  
FRASIER  
Yes I just bought them. Four hundred dollars.  
  
ROZ  
You spent four hundred dollars on shoes? I didn't spend that on my  
last car.  
  
FRASIER  
You don't think the tassels are too much do you?  
  
ROZ Well they do make them look a little busy.  
  
FRASIER Oh dear God do you really think so? I was...  
  
ROZ FINALLY LOOKS FRASIER STRAIGHT IN THE EYE  
  
ROZ  
Frasier this is getting ridiculous. I need to talk to you about what  
happened between us last night.  
  
FRASIER  
I know. And I swear I haven't been ignoring you but it's been hard to  
get away with Niles in this state and...well you know.  
  
ROZ Allison. That's okay. I understand. About last night...  
  
MEGAN APPROACHES ROZ  
  
MEGAN Roz, she's ready. Come on.  
  
ROZ Okay.  
  
MEGAN DISAPPEARS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE CONGREGATION  
  
FRASIER We'll talk about it later. I promise.  
  
ROZ  
Okay and just a friendly suggestion before we get this show on the  
road you'd better slap Niles before Daphne sees what a dribbling wreak  
he is. That's not an appealing quality in a new bridegroom.  
  
ROZ STARTS TO FOLLOW MEGAN AS FRASIER JUST STARES AFTER HER  
  
FRASIER Thanks.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) (CALLS OUT) You look stunning by the way.  
  
ROZ TURNS AND SMILES BEFORE DISAPPEARING OUT OF SIGHT. FRASIER REJOINS NILES, WHO IS NOW COMPLETELY CALM, AND MARTIN  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) (TO NILES) Are you okay?  
  
NILES I'm fine.  
  
FRASIER  
This is a sudden turn around. I thought I was going to have to sedate  
you. Why the dramatic change?  
  
THE WEDDING MARCH STARTS AS EVERYONE STANDS  
  
NILES This is the only thing that matters.  
  
DAPHNE AND MR. MOON START TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND MEGAN AS A SMILE APPEARS ON NILES' FACE  
  
FRASIER Oh my God she looks beautiful Niles.  
  
AS THEY REACH THE ALTER WE:  
DISSOLVE TO:  
  
(F)  
  
INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM - EVENING - DAY/3 (Niles, Allison, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Waiter, Simon, Mrs. Moon, Lilith, Wedding Guests)  
  
THE ROOM IS THE SAME ONE THAT THE REHEARSAL DINNER TOOK PLACE IN AND IS BUZZING AS EVERYONE ENJOYS THEMSELVES, WELL EXCEPT FOR DAPHNE'S BROTHERS WHO ALL STILL SEEM TO BE NURSING HANGOVERS. THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE DANCING INCLUDING LILITH AND A VERY FRIGHTENED LOOKING MARTIN. AT THE HEAD TABLE DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES WITH HER ARM ON HIS SHOULDER. SITTING NEXT TO THEM IS ALLISON AND ROZ WITH FRASIER HOVERING BETWEEN THEM BOTH. EVERYONE WATCHES MARTIN AND LILITH  
  
NILES  
(RE: LILITH AND MARTIN) Awe! Don't they make a lovely looking couple?  
In a completely disturbing way.  
  
ALLISON Why is he still holding his cane?  
  
DAPHNE It's his only form of protection.  
  
FRASIER  
Although I can't imagine it's going to help him a lot against the risk  
of frostbite. That is the most frightening thing I've ever seen in my  
life. They didn't even dance together at our wedding.  
  
NILES  
But if memory serves me correctly he did dance when your divorce  
finally came through.  
  
FRASIER  
He wasn't the only one. I did a full Irish jig that day. I could have  
taught Michael Flatly a few moves.  
  
DAPHNE I don't think I've ever seen him this scared in his life.  
  
FRASIER No kidding, he didn't look this frightened when he was shot.  
  
NILES Well face it Lilith can do far more damage then any bullet.  
  
DAPHNE Oh, someone go and rescue him. This is painful.  
  
NO ONE MOVES  
  
A BEAT  
  
NILES SIGHS AND GOES TO RISE BUT DAPHNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN AGAIN  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Not you. If you don't mind I don't want you dancing with one of your  
former conquests at our wedding.  
  
NILES That makes two of us. But who then?  
  
EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT FRASIER  
  
FRASIER Oh fine I'll do it.  
  
ALLISON Well you were married to her.  
  
FRASIER Yes and I've been punished for it everyday since.  
  
FRASIER CROSSES TO MARTIN AND LILITH AND CUTS IN. MARTIN IMMEDIATELY SPRINTS BACK TO THE TABLE AND STANDS IN FRONT OF IT  
  
MARTIN  
Freedom! When they started playing Gershwin, I didn't think I'd be  
alive to savour this moment. I thought I was seconds away from joining  
Hester.  
  
ROZ (TO ALLISON) Are you okay with them dancing together.  
  
ALLISON  
Oh yeah I'm fine with it. He's told me before that nothing will ever  
happen between them or anyone else for that matter and even if it  
does, if I don't kill him first the frostbite will.  
  
ROZ Yeah.  
  
ROZ WATCHES FRASIER AND LILITH VERY CLOSELY  
  
DAPHNE Are you okay Roz?  
  
ROZ I'm fine.  
  
WE FOCUS IN ON SIMON AND MRS. MOON WHO ARE SITTING TOGETHER AT A TABLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. A WAITER APPROACHES WITH A TRAY FULL OF CUPS OF COFFEE AND PUTS THEM DOWN IN FRONT OF SIMON  
  
WAITER Here's your coffee's Sir.  
  
SIMON Thank you.  
  
SIMON TAKES THE VASE OF FLOWERS OFF THE TABLE, TAKES THE FLOWERS OUT BEFORE THROWING THE WATER OUT THROUGH THE VERANDA DOORS. HE THEN POURS ALL OF THE CUPS OF COFFEE INTO THE VASE AND STARTS TO DRINK FROM IT. THE WAITER LOOKS AT SIMON IN SHOCK  
  
SIMON (CONT'D)  
What? I have a hangover. And unless you have some sheep's testicles I  
can chew on this is the next best remedy.  
  
THE WAITER MOVES AWAY  
  
MRS. MOON Simon Moon could you be anymore uncouth?  
  
SIMON  
Well I could try if you wanted me to. I'm not actually wearing any  
underwear. I did find a pair this morning but I think they were  
Michael's since he took them off my and put them on after I'd warmed  
them up. But speaking of taking off underwear.  
  
SIMON TURNS AND STARTS TO STARE AT ROZ AS WE FOCUS BACK IN ON THE HEAD TABLE  
  
DAPHNE  
I don't want to alarm you Roz but Simon seems to be looking this way  
and smiling like he has wind.  
  
NILES And not to mention drinking out of a vase.  
  
ROZ Don't worry I think I may have scared him off for good.  
  
MARTIN How exactly did you do that?  
  
ROZ I told him I loved him and wanted his baby.  
  
NILES And that worked?  
  
SIMON APPROACHES ROZ AND STANDS BEHIND HER STILL DRINKING FROM THE VASE  
  
SIMON  
Rose I've been thinking over your earlier suggestion about the two of  
us bumping uglies and having a baby.  
  
ROZ And? You're horrified? Disgusted? Completely turned off?  
  
SIMON  
Far from it darling. If we start now we might be able to knock out  
eleven kids before you hit the menopause and I'll have a ready-made  
football team to play for Manchester United.  
  
SIMON OFFERS ROZ HIS VASE AS SHE JUST LOOKS HORRIFIED  
  
SIMON (CONT'D)  
Would you like a sip? Your loss. I'll see you later then?  
  
SIMON WALKS AWAY AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE  
  
NILES Something tells me that didn't go according to plan.  
  
ROZ Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!  
  
ALLISON Come on Roz let me get you a drink?  
  
ROZ A drink?  
  
ALLISON Well one for starters. We can take it from there.  
  
ROZ AND ALLISON BOTH CROSS TO THE BAR  
  
MARTIN Well kids it's been a beautiful day.  
  
NILES  
It really is amazing Dad how quickly your voice improved after they  
cancelled your speech. I wonder why that was.  
  
MARTIN  
Which is precisely the reason why I'm going to give it to you now. All  
I want to say is...  
  
FRASIER APPROACHES THEM AGAIN AFTER HAVING FINALLY STOPPED DANCING WITH LILITH  
  
FRASIER Good Lord my hands are so cold I could refreeze a chicken.  
  
NILES Gee Dad that was beautiful.  
  
FRASIER I'm sorry did I interrupt anything?  
  
MARTIN  
You know it's going to be easier to say this if you don't look at me.  
Look at each other.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE SIGH BEFORE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER  
  
MARTIN (CONT'D)  
No you can still see me out of the corner of your eye. Look down.  
Thank you.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT THE FLOOR  
  
NILES Would it help if we sang so we can't hear what you say either?  
  
MARTIN  
Do you want me to say this or not? I just wanted to say that I'm proud  
of you both for the way that you've handled everything this weekend. I  
know that if your mother was here she'd say the same thing. A lot of  
people would have gone to pieces. You've been through a lot together  
over the last two years and you're still together. The love that you  
have for each other is inspirational. I couldn't have asked for a  
better daughter-in-law and I'm sure Grandchild. I just wish that your  
mother was here to see it because she would have been overjoyed to see  
you so happy and to know that you found such a wonderful person to  
share your life with. I love you both.  
  
FRASIER My sentiments exactly.  
  
NILES Thank you Dad.  
  
DAPHNE Yes thank you...Dad.  
  
MARTIN  
All right there's no need to get all mushy on me. I'd better go and be  
a good date and rescue Roz from the bar and from Simon.  
  
MARTIN CROSSES TO JOIN ROZ, ALLISON AND NOW SIMON  
  
NILES (TO FRASIER) I'd go with him if I were you.  
  
FRASIER  
Why? Why would I care about Roz? She can do what she likes. It's none  
of my business. I'm not her keeper.  
  
MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
NILES  
It's not about Roz. I was only suggesting that you might want to go  
over there because Simon seems to be offering Allison a sip from his  
vase. And who knows where that will lead. She may eventually end up  
drinking from his shoe.  
  
FRASIER Ah. I see. Excuse me.  
  
FRASIER CROSSES TO ALLISON AND THEY BOTH MOVE TO THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
DAPHNE What was that about?  
  
NILES I have no idea. Would you care to dance my darling wife?  
  
NILES STANDS AND OFFERS HER HIS HAND  
  
DAPHNE  
I'd love to my sweet and may I add very sexy husband despite his black  
eye.  
  
DAPHNE TAKES HIS HAND AND STANDS BEFORE MOVING TO THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
You know I can't believe we've finally done this.  
  
NILES Me either.  
  
A BEAT  
  
DAPHNE It's been a perfect day.  
  
A BEAT  
  
NILES Thank you.  
  
DAPHNE For what?  
  
NILES For saying yes.  
  
THEY KISS AS WE FOCUS IN ON FRASIER AND ALLISON DANCING WHO ARE WATCHING THEM  
  
ALLISON They really do make an adorable couple don't they?  
  
FRASIER  
I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see them together  
like this after all the years of heartache Dad and I have suffered  
through with Niles. If they hadn't had got together when they did Dad  
and I were either going to kill Niles to stop his whining or kill  
ourselves.  
  
ALLISON  
What were the odds that they'd get together after seven years of just  
being friends?  
  
FRASIER  
Yes it is amazing. Seven years of making a fool out of himself finally  
paid off. And believe me he did some stupid things.  
  
ALLISON I don't think it could ever happen again in a million years.  
  
FRASIER (REFLECTIVE) Yeah.  
  
ALLISON Are you all right?  
  
FRASIER I'm fine.  
  
MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE TOWARDS FRASIER AND ALLISON  
  
MARTIN Do you mind if I cut in?  
  
FRASIER Not at all.  
  
ALLISON Thank you kind Sir.  
  
MARTIN AND ALLISON START TO DANCE AS FRASIER AND ROZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLY  
  
FRASIER Erm...would you like to?  
  
ROZ I'd love to.  
  
FRASIER AND ROZ START TO DANCE  
  
MARTIN  
I have to congratulate you Allison. You've got through a Crane/Moon  
family gathering and survived without loosing a limb or getting  
arrested. You're now officially one of the family.  
  
ALLISON Is there a secret handshake?  
  
FRASIER  
We don't need one. Everything is usually so disastrous that we just  
shake our heads in dismay instead.  
  
MARTIN AND ALLISON START TO MOVE AWAY FROM FRASIER AND ROZ  
  
ROZ  
I've survived as well on more then one occasion, I even helped with  
your condemned restaurant, does that mean I'm one of the family too?  
  
FRASIER You've been part of the family for years now Roz you know that.  
  
ROZ Thank you. It's nice to hear it.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER I have to say you look beautiful tonight Roz, I love this dress.  
  
ROZ  
Finally a bridesmaid's dress that doesn't make me look like an over  
the hill drag queen. The amount of times I've been called Mister in  
one of these dresses has to be seen to be believed.  
  
FRASIER I fail to see how any dress could make you look like that Roz.  
  
ROZ Believe me it's true. Sometimes I put Rue Paul to shame.  
  
FRASIER In my opinion you'd look good in a garbage bag.  
  
ROZ  
Okay I need to talk about this, this, what ever this is. I need to  
talk about what happened last night.  
  
ROZ STARTS TO STARE AT THE FLOOR AGAIN  
  
FRASIER I know. Me too. (THEN) You're embarrassed.  
  
ROZ No I'm not honestly.  
  
FRASIER And yet you're still looking at your shoes.  
  
ROZ That's because you keep stepping on my toes.  
  
A BEAT  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) What happened?  
  
ROZ LOOKS AT FRASIER WAITING FOR AN ANSWER  
  
FRASIER I'm not sure. I'm with Allison now.  
  
ROZ  
I know that. On my part I was feeling a little sorry for myself. More  
then a little vulnerable.  
  
FRASIER  
And I am a guy and a psychiatrist. Rule number one of the Psychiatry  
for Dummy's Handbook, is nail them while they're vulnerable.  
  
ROZ That's charming.  
  
FRASIER  
I'm just trying to lighten the mood. It just felt like the right thing  
to do. You were upset.  
  
ROZ It didn't mean anything.  
  
FRASIER  
Of course not. It was what happens between two good friends during an  
emotionally charged moment when they're looking for a glass eye at a  
wedding.  
  
ROZ  
Ah that old scenario. So we're agreed that it didn't mean anything?  
  
FRASIER Absolutely.  
  
ROZ And there's no need to be embarrassed about it.  
  
FRASIER Absolutely.  
  
ROZ Good. I'm glad. But just one more question.  
  
FRASIER Okay.  
  
ROZ Then why did your hand snake down to my ass?  
  
FRASIER Once again I feel the need to say, I am a guy after all.  
  
ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH AS MARTIN AND ALLISON DANCE THEIR WAY BACK OVER AGAIN  
  
ALLISON You don't mind if I steal back in again do you?  
  
ROZ  
Of course not. You've been hogging my date too long anyway. Come on  
Martin let's show this crowd what we're made of.  
  
MARTIN AND ROZ START TO DANCE AGAIN AS DO FRASIER AND ALLISON. EVERY NOW AND THEN FRASIER AND ROZ CAN BE SEEN TO BE MAKING SNEAKING GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AS WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(G)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT - DAY/3 (Simon, Roz, Niles, Daphne)  
  
DOWN THE CORRIDOR THERE ARE DOORS TO THE HOTEL BEDROOMS UP AND DOWN BOTH SIDES. OPPOSITE ROZ'S DOOR ARE THE ELEVATOR DOORS. STANDING OUT SIDE ROZ'S ROOM IS SIMON WHO IS PRESSED UP AGAINST IT  
  
SIMON  
Rose. Rose. Rosey, Rosey, Rosey. It's Simon. Oh come on Rose! Open up  
the door! You know you want to!  
  
ROZ  
(THROUGH DOOR) No I really don't Simon. In fact I'd much rather be  
disembowelled by a chicken then let you touch or cup any part of my  
anatomy.  
  
SIMON  
Oh come on Rose stop denying your true feelings for me. It isn't  
healthy to store up all this animal lust without having some sort of  
outlet. You'll explode. I know you want to jump me just as much as I  
want to jump you. I'm even willing to partake in a little foreplay.  
  
ROZ (THROUGH DOOR) No!  
  
SIMON Are you more of a cuddler then?  
  
ROZ  
(THROUGH DOOR) Simon for the last time if you don't get away from my  
door right now I'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!  
  
SIMON Hey, hey kinky. Now you're just trying to turn me on.  
  
ROZ (THROUGH DOOR) Oh my God!  
  
SIMON  
That's right I'm still here Rose. Your God. Ready, waiting and raring  
to go. Just say the word and I'll be all over you like a highly  
infectious rash. That was supposed to sound sexier then it came out.  
  
ROZ OPENS HER DOOR  
  
SIMON (CONT'D)  
I knew you'd cave in. You've got that look of a woman in heat about  
you.  
  
ROZ You're right Simon. I want you right here right now.  
  
SIMON That's more like it.  
  
ROZ  
And I promise you this will be the greatest sex that you've ever had  
in your life. What I'm about to do to you is a criminal offence  
punishable by death in some countries. You'll be bragging about it  
until the day you die in a retirement home surrounded by nurses in  
tight fitting uniforms that's if your heart can last the night. By the  
time that I'm finished with you, you won't be able to walk straight  
let alone think straight.  
  
SIMON I've waited two long years to hear you say that.  
  
ROZ  
And you'll get all that and more Simon if you can answer me one simple  
question.  
  
SIMON Anything you want.  
  
ROZ Great, I was hoping you'd say that. What's my name?  
  
SIMON Erm...Rose?  
  
ROZ Goodnight Simon.  
  
ROZ GOES TO CLOSE HER DOOR  
  
SIMON No wait, that was a trick question. Give me one more try.  
  
ROZ Fine. One more try.  
  
SIMON  
Okay here I go. That was just a joke. It was clearly a mistake. Your  
name is RoseeeeRebeccaaaaRachelllllRobinnnnnnRhondaaaaaa. Rhonda?  
Rhonda. That's it. Rhonda. Rhonda Dolly.  
  
ROZ EXITS BACK INSIDE, SLAMMING HER DOOR SHUT  
  
SIMON (CONT'D)  
Are you thinking it over? Was I at least close? Is that a no then? I  
didn't hear the question.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER STEPPING OFF THE ELEVATOR  
  
SIMON (CONT'D)  
You wanted me to say the name of your son right? What's the big deal  
about a name anyway? You can call me anything you like. Hello?  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE START TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND ROUND THE CORNER  
  
NILES  
Do you think we should help her? I'm sure we could get him to swallow  
a bottle of sedatives somehow.  
  
DAPHNE Oh don't worry about it. He'll soon get tired of waiting.  
  
NILES He won't pass out in the hallway will he?  
  
DAPHNE  
Not twice. The last time he passed out in a hotel he decided to get  
completely undressed before he went to sleep. The maid was a little  
shocked to say the least when she found Simon in the hall bearing all  
the next morning. From what I remember it was a particularly cold  
hotel as well. The maid was Croatian so I'm not one hundred percent  
sure what she was screaming but I can't imagine it was very  
flattering. But anyway he'll just get tired of waiting and then go  
downstairs, have enough alcohol to send him partially blind and try to  
hit on one of my cousins.  
  
NILES Then therefore aren't they his cousins as well?  
  
DAPHNE  
Do you honestly think that'll stop him from trying? He won't get far  
though. My only female cousin is Bertha, the professional shot-putter.  
And she'll snap him in half like a twig if he so much as touches her  
again. She's already broke three of his fingers and yet he still won't  
take no for an answer.  
  
NILES Well that's slightly disturbing.  
  
DAPHNE  
It's only when he's had a lot to drink though. One time when he was  
drunk and he finally realised he was chatting up a hat rack at Grammy  
Moon's birthday party he tried it on with me mother until he realised  
who she was.  
  
NILES  
Well there's a lovely image to try to go to sleep with. Although  
actually Frasier tells me the same thing happened last night with your  
father in the Winnebago. He seemed to mistake making him roll over and  
put on underwear as a sign of affection. I heard a shriek in the  
middle of the night but I thought it was a bird being attacked.  
  
DAPHNE I suppose that was Allison.  
  
NILES  
No that was Frasier right before he started repeatedly shouting, "I'm  
not Gertrude! I'm not Gertrude! Open your eyes!"  
  
DAPHNE I wondered why they wouldn't look each other in the eye today.  
  
THEY FINALLY REACH THE DOOR TO THEIR ROOM AND NILES PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET SEARCHING FOR THE KEY  
  
NILES  
It's been a pretty awful weekend all around. And one I'd like to  
forget in a hurry.  
  
DAPHNE  
Is that so Dr. Crane? And finally getting married to me is an awful  
thing?  
  
NILES  
Of course not. That was by far and away the highlight of the weekend.  
It's the highlight of my life.  
  
THEY KISS  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Mrs. Crane.  
  
DAPHNE Mrs. Crane? I like the sound of that.  
  
NILES Well you'd better get used to it Mrs. Crane.  
  
THEY KISS  
  
DAPHNE  
We may have had some problems this weekend, but I can guarantee things  
are about to dramatically change for the better.  
  
DAPHNE TAKES THE ROOM KEY OFF NILES AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE GOES TO STEP INSIDE BUT NILES STOPS HER BEFORE SHE CAN  
  
NILES No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.  
  
NILES TRIES TO PICK DAPHNE UP, TRIES BEING THE IMPORTANT WORD  
  
DAPHNE What are you doing?  
  
NILES Carrying my wife over the thresh hold.  
  
DAPHNE No Niles you really don't have to.  
  
NILES Too late.  
  
NILES CONTINUES TO TRY TO GRAB HER SO HE CAN PICK HER UP AND CARRY HER  
  
DAPHNE  
You've already got a black eye and a broken hand all bar the shouting.  
I don't think I should encourage a bad back as well.  
  
NILES  
I'm going to carry my wife over the threshold. End of conversation.  
  
NILES STANDS FOR A MOMENT TO CATCH HIS BREATH  
  
DAPHNE Maybe I should carry you.  
  
NILES I can do this. Stop complaining.  
  
NILES TRIES AGAIN TO PICK HER UP  
  
DAPHNE Would it help if I stood on a chair?  
  
EVENTUALLY NILES MANAGES TO GRAB HER THE WAY HE WANTED AND PICKS HER UP WITH RELATIVE EASE  
  
NILES Well there are two of you! And I've got you.  
  
NILES ATTEMPTS TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR BUT DAPHNE SOON REALISES THAT THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIT  
  
DAPHNE Watch my head.  
  
NILES ADJUSTS SO THAT HE WON'T BANG DAPHNE'S HEAD ON THE DOOR SO INSTEAD BANGS HER FEET INSTEAD  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D) And my feet.  
  
NILES  
Sorry. Who designed these doors? It's the bridal suite. Surely they  
should expect this event to take place.  
  
DAPHNE Try going sideways. Or buttering up the doorframe.  
  
NILES TURNS SIDEWAYS AND THEY BOTH EXIT INSIDE THE ROOM  
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER, NILES SHUTS THE DOOR WITH HIS FOOT BEFORE CARRYING DAPHNE INTO THE ROOM  
  
NILES Okay I've got it.  
  
DAPHNE  
Well, well, well. I'm impressed. Where has this sudden burst of  
strength come from? You break into a sweat and sprain your wrist  
lifting a fork.  
  
NILES  
I've been storing it up since the first time I met you for this very  
moment.  
  
NILES KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE STARTS TO CARRY HER INTO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. SUDDENLY A LOOK OF IMMENSE PAIN COMES ACROSS HIS FACE AND HIS WALK QUICKLY TURNS INTO A DASH TO THE BED. NILES THEN CLUMSILY DROPS DAPHNE ON THE BED, NEARLY CAUSING HER TO BOUNCE OFF IT BEFORE CRUMBLING OVER IN PAIN  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Ouch! Oh my God!  
  
DAPHNE  
Now that was romantic. Are you sure you wouldn't have preferred to  
have shot me out of a canon?  
  
NILES LIES FLAT ON HIS BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES  
  
NILES Oh God!  
  
DAPHNE What's the matter?  
  
NILES ATTEMPTS TO SIT UP  
  
NILES Ow! Ow! Ow!  
  
NILES IMMEDIATELY LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN  
  
DAPHNE What's wrong?  
  
NILES I think I've pulled something.  
  
DAPHNE What? Is it your back?  
  
NILES No. Possibly something even worse.  
  
DAPHNE Like what?  
  
NILES My groin.  
  
DAPHNE Oh you have got to be kidding me!  
  
NILES I'll be fine. Honestly.  
  
DAPHNE Really?  
  
NILES GOES TO GET UP  
  
NILES Ow! Ow! No I won't.  
  
DAPHNE Do you ever get the feeling that we're cursed?  
  
NILES Never.  
  
NILES ROLLS TO AND KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE SUCCUMBING TO THE PAIN AGAIN  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Ow! Ow! I'm sorry.  
  
DAPHNE It's not your fault.  
  
NILES What do we do now?  
  
DAPHNE  
What you had planned after Mum started swinging her bag yesterday. You  
find something good on the TV and I'll get the ice.  
  
AS DAPHNE PASSES NILES THE REMOTE CONTROL FOR THE TELEVISION AND AS SHE PICKS UP THE ICE BUCKET WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT TWO  
  
CLOSING CREDITS: SIMON LIES ASLEEP IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF ROZ'S ROOM. ALL HE IS WEARING IS A PAIR OF BOXER SHORTS WITH HIS CLOTHES PILED UNDERNEATH HIS HEAD AS A PILLOW. A MAID STEPS OFF THE ELEVATOR WITH THE HOTEL MANAGER. THEY STARE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT BEFORE THE MAID STARTS TO POKE HIM WITH THE ATTACHMENT FOR THE VACUUM CLEANER. EVENTUALLY SIMON WAKES UP, PICKS UP HIS CLOTHES AND SHUFFLES DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO HIS ROOM. 


	2. Friends, Lovers & Lunatics

I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.  
  
This is probably my least favourite episode that I've ever done but decided to keep it as I felt I'd dug myself into a hole and needed to climb out of it.  
  
Enjoy...  
  
Frasier  
Alternative Season Ten Episode Two  
Friends, Lovers & Lunatics  
By  
Kelly-Simba  
  
ACT ONE  
  
(A)  
  
TITLE CARD: "SURPRISINGLY THE FRUIT WAS MADE FROM WAX"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON - DAY/1  
  
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)  
  
THE FLOOR OF NILES' LIVING ROOM IS COVERED WITH BALLOONS. ROZ SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM BLOWING THEM UP AS MARTIN STANDS ON A CHAIR BY THE FIREPLACE TRYING TO HANG A "WELCOME HOME" BANNER AS FRASIER WATCHES AND GIVES DIRECTIONS. MARTIN MOVES THE BANNER HIGHER AND LOWER AS FRASIER INSTRUCTS HIM  
  
FRASIER  
Just a tad higher Dad. Higher. Higher. An inch to the left. No, no, no  
back to the right. A tiny bit higher. No that's too high. Lower Dad.  
Lower. Now we're back where we started again.  
  
FROM THIS MOMENT MARTIN DOESN'T MOVE THE BANNER AT ALL  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Really Dad start to pay attention or we'll be here all day. Okay  
higher. Higher. Higher. Slightly lower.  
  
MARTIN  
It's the same height that was before! I haven't moved it for the last  
five minutes! You haven't been able to tell the difference.  
  
FRASIER  
To the untrained eye this may seem like a petty trivial matter but  
it's these decisions that can ruin even the most well planned and  
intended celebrations.  
  
ROZ  
Don't remind me. I know a slightly tilted tree always spoils my  
Christmas day. I remember finding out when I was five-years-old that  
there was no Santa Claus, and that even if there were such a person  
his reindeers would be so tired by the time they'd covered the Eastern  
seaboard that they would probably explode from the strain. This was  
the same year that I caught my Dad making out with one of the next-  
door neighbours under the mistletoe which resulted in my mother  
throwing him out on Christmas Eve but that compares nothing to the  
trauma of having a crooked garland in the living room. I still wake up  
screaming about it.  
  
FRASIER  
That's very amusing Roz. But I'll have you know that I've treated more  
patients with a phobia for crooked things that I have insomniacs and  
narcoleptics put together. Crookedness is a very serious problem.  
  
MARTIN It certainly was for Nixon.  
  
FRASIER I've just had an idea.  
  
MARTIN And I thought that noise was a storm brewing.  
  
FRASIER You know where the best place to put this banner would be?  
  
MARTIN Bend over and I'll show you.  
  
FRASIER  
Are you through complaining because we're running out of time?  
  
MARTIN For the moment.  
  
ROZ Then can I start if he's stopping?  
  
FRASIER And what would your problem be Roz?  
  
ROZ Well for starters, I can hardly see.  
  
FRASIER Excuse me?  
  
ROZ  
I've blown up so many balloons this afternoon there's no oxygen  
flowing to my brain.  
  
FRASIER  
But I want it look like we've made an effort not like a KACL station  
birthday party.  
  
ROZ Will you let that go already!  
  
FRASIER  
Nine years of loyal service and all I got was a single balloon, a  
plaster of Paris cake from Miss Judy's arts and crafts hour and a trip  
to the dentist.  
  
ROZ  
I told you not to bite into it but would you listen? You think you'd  
have realised it was fake when Gill dropped it on the floor and it  
dented the tile. Why do we even need all of these balloons anyway? If  
I blow up anymore Niles is going to have to send up a distress flair  
so that we know that they've arrived home.  
  
FRASIER Don't exaggerate Roz.  
  
ROZ  
Frasier the living room is knee deep in them and the kitchen is so  
full you can't push the door inwards to go in there anymore. Eddie  
disappeared an hour ago and I don't know where. I'd get up to look for  
him and take a breather outside but I've lost all feeling in my legs.  
For God's sake I've passed out twice in the last twenty-minutes while  
you two have been trying to put that banner up and you haven't even  
noticed.  
  
FRASIER  
I would have gladly helped you Roz but Dad seems to be completely  
incapable of doing this on his own.  
  
MARTIN Incapable? Look! It's done.  
  
MARTIN PINS THE BANNER INTO PLACE  
  
FRASIER But it's crooked.  
  
MARTIN  
And? It's a "Welcome Home" banner. It's not welcoming the President  
here. You're not going to put anything on it. It's not a shelf for  
putting your antique crap on. But if you want me to run down the  
hardware store and pick you up a spirit level then I'll...  
  
MARTIN GETS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR  
  
FRASIER  
You're not going anywhere old man. And anyway that's not the point.  
Are you honestly telling me that looking at how crooked that banner  
is, is not painful to your eyes?  
  
MARTIN No it looks straight.  
  
ROZ  
You may not have noticed Frasier but we're not anal retentive or  
overly psychotic.  
  
FRASIER  
That's all a matter of opinion. I've seen you attack the vending  
machine at work for no apparent reason.  
  
ROZ  
No apparent reason? It was taunting me. I needed the chocolate and it  
was dangling in front of me caught on the metal coil.  
  
MARTIN Why are we even here anyway?  
  
FRASIER  
The place is being fumigated today and I thought it would be  
educational for us to watch. That's why I insisted on bringing the  
balloons and the banner they'll protect us from the fumes.  
  
MARTIN Are you finished now?  
  
FRASIER  
Niles and Daphne are coming back off their honeymoon today, why do you  
think we are here?  
  
MARTIN Exactly. They're not going to want to see us.  
  
ROZ Why not?  
  
MARTIN  
Because they've just got back off their honeymoon. They might be  
planning on doing...you know...stuff.  
  
FRASIER  
How Niles and I were ever conceived is still a mystery since you are  
incapable of saying the word "sex" out loud.  
  
ROZ Don't underestimate the power of body language.  
  
FRASIER A language I know you're highly skilled in.  
  
ROZ I practically wrote the book.  
  
MARTIN  
Think about it Frasier. What was the first thing you wanted to do  
after you got back off your honeymoon with Lilith?  
  
ROZ Thaw out immediately springs to mind.  
  
FRASIER  
I'll have you know Lilith was an extremely warm and loving woman in  
her own rubber gloved, disinfected way.  
  
MARTIN That's an image I didn't need.  
  
FRASIER  
Although it didn't escape my knowledge that she was always far more  
affectionate with her lab rats then she was with me. But I guess you  
do have a point Dad. But we're staying because I need to talk to Niles  
about something important.  
  
ROZ Yeah and I need to speak with Daphne.  
  
MARTIN What about?  
  
FRASIER Guy stuff.  
  
ROZ Girl stuff.  
  
MARTIN  
Okay then Frasier you talk to Roz about your guy stuff since your guy  
stuff is often mistaken for girl stuff anyway and Roz you talk to  
Frasier about the girl stuff and then we can go home before they get  
here. What? He's as big a girl as Daphne. If not bigger.  
  
FRASIER  
Thank you Dad. But we're already here and they've had two weeks alone  
for "stuff" so I don't think twenty minutes is going to hurt them.  
  
ROZ  
That's a good point and I don't want to have suffered brain damage for  
nothing.  
  
FRASIER Now let's get this banner straightened.  
  
SFX: KEYS BEING PUT INTO THE LOCK  
  
ROZ Too late.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL RUSH TO HIDE BEHIND THE STAIRS  
  
FRASIER Now do you remember Dad what we have to shout?  
  
MARTIN  
Gee I don't know Fras. What was it again? Fire? Happy Birthday?  
  
FRASIER Oh just shut up and hide.  
  
ROZ  
Yeah because the balloons aren't going to tip them off that someone's  
here.  
  
NILES ENTERS, WITH A SLIGHT LIMP, PUSHING DAPHNE WHO IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE SUIT CASES. THEY STARE FOR A MOMENT AT THE SEA OF BALLOONS BEFORE NILES LOOKS AT THE NUMBER ON THE APARTMENT DOOR  
  
NILES  
No this is definitely our place. I recognise the fainting couch being  
swallowed up by the sea of balloons.  
  
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND THE STAIRS  
  
FRASIER / MARTIN / ROZ Surprise!  
  
NILES  
Oh look darling while we've been away our house has been taken over by  
the crazy balloon people again.  
  
DAPHNE And I thought we'd evicted them and changed the locks.  
  
FRASIER Welcome home you two.  
  
NILES Thank you Frasier.  
  
THEY ALL HUG ONE ANOTHER AND AD LIB HELLOS  
  
DAPHNE Yes thank you. All of you. This is certainly a nice surprise.  
  
NILES LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM BEFORE FOCUSING ON THE BANNER  
  
NILES Is that banner crooked?  
  
FRASIER See I told you.  
  
ROZ Daphne why are you riding a suitcase?  
  
DAPHNE STANDS UP AND PUT HER ARM AROUND NILES  
  
DAPHNE  
The World's Strongest Man here wanted to try to carry me over the  
threshold again but to save another trip to the hospital, as much as I  
do enjoy waiting in a corridor while he gets x-rayed, I thought this  
would be an appropriate enough substitute.  
  
NILES Plus it's cheaper then riding a mechanical bull.  
  
MARTIN Another trip to the hospital? What's happened this time?  
  
DAPHNE  
We had additional problems to contend with after the wedding night  
groin strain, the bruised hand and the black eye.  
  
ROZ What did you do this time you big girl?  
  
NILES I take offence at that! I didn't do anything!  
  
ROZ  
Notice when I call someone a girl Niles automatically thinks I'm  
referring to him without question.  
  
DAPHNE  
Niles tried to pick me up again when we got to the hotel in Maui to  
carry me over the threshold. Only I was still carrying my hand  
baggage, which was a little on the heavy side so he asked me to drop  
it.  
  
NILES But not on my foot.  
  
DAPHNE I've said I'm sorry a hundred times. I broke two of his toes.  
  
ROZ That's really pathetic.  
  
NILES Thanks for the sympathy.  
  
FRASIER  
What was in there to break two toes? Did you take a house brick with  
you?  
  
DAPHNE It was filled with Niles' allergy medication.  
  
MARTIN  
That explains a lot. Hester's purse used to be so full of all that  
crap when they were kids it was probably heavy enough to knock down an  
elk. So tell us all about it. Did you have a good time?  
  
NILES It was fantastic Dad. The sand there was so white it was...  
  
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I have a word with you please?  
  
NILES Sure.  
  
AS FRASIER LEADS NILES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN HE POINTS AT THE BANNER  
  
FRASIER You straighten that banner.  
  
MARTIN Yes Master.  
  
ROZ Daphne I need to speak to you too.  
  
DAPHNE Okay.  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM AS NILES TRIES TO PUSH OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR BUT IS MET WITH A LOT OF RESISTANCE  
  
NILES What's wrong with this door?  
  
FRASIER It's the balloons.  
  
NILES What?  
  
FRASIER You'll soon see. Just push.  
  
FRASIER AND NILES FINALLY PUSH THE DOOR OPEN AND EXIT INSIDE  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS FULL FROM TOP TO BOTTOM WITH BALLOONS. THEY BOTH QUICKLY DISAPPEAR OUT OF VIEW IN THE BALLOONS AND THEIR MOVEMENT CAN ONLY BE TRACKED BY THE BALLOONS MOVING  
  
NILES  
Oh my God this looks like the home of a haemophiliac. Well this will  
certainly make it more interesting trying to cook.  
  
FRASIER Niles I really need to talk to you.  
  
NILES  
Okay Frasier, I would but I don't know where you are to talk to you.  
  
FRASIER That's not important.  
  
NILES Oh my God! What is that?  
  
FRASIER What is what?  
  
NILES This thing I'm feeling.  
  
FRASIER How the hell should I know you're the one that's feeling it?  
  
NILES  
It's fury at one end and ow! Sharp at the other. It's some sort of  
beast. Oh wait its just Eddie.  
  
FRASIER Are you sure?  
  
NILES No I'm not. It may be a kitchen knife or a bagel.  
  
FRASIER There's no need to be sarcastic.  
  
NILES What is Eddie doing here anyway?  
  
FRASIER  
Dad fed him a bowl of chilli yesterday. I didn't want to leave him on  
his own. Pass him here so I can give him back to Dad.  
  
NILES With great pleasure. Where are you?  
  
FRASIER I'm by the door. Where are you?  
  
NILES Breaking my knee on the table.  
  
THERE IS A LOUD THUD  
  
FRASIER What was that?  
  
NILES Now I'm on the floor. No don't!  
  
FRASIER What's wrong now?  
  
NILES I've lost Eddie again.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT IN THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM  
  
DAPHNE What do you need to talk about that's so urgent?  
  
ROZ Why do you have plans?  
  
DAPHNE  
Well let me think I just got back off my honeymoon. So what would you  
think?  
  
ROZ Okay point noted. It's just that...wait what is this room?  
  
DAPHNE It's the gift-wrapping room.  
  
ROZ You have a gift-wrapping room?  
  
DAPHNE  
This is Niles' place we're talking about. He has a room for  
everything. There's even a panic room but if I showed you I think he'd  
insist on killing you afterwards. I wouldn't be shocked to find a  
salad dressing room added onto the kitchen one of these days.  
  
ROZ Niles' place? Don't you mean 'our' place?  
  
DAPHNE  
I guess I do. I never thought about it like that before. I'm still  
getting used to this whole married thing but...  
  
ROZ I kissed Frasier.  
  
DAPHNE You what? When?  
  
ROZ At the wedding.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh that was nothing. He was the best man he kissed every body. It's  
comes with the job.  
  
ROZ  
Then I think he took his job a little too seriously and bordered on  
being a high priced gigolo. No I mean I really kissed him.  
  
DAPHNE Kissed him how?  
  
ROZ  
How do you think? I gave him a quick peck on his elbow after a tennis  
victory. I mean a proper kiss. I'm not going to drag him up here and  
re-enact it for you.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh my God! I don't believe this. Hey you don't think Niles and Frasier  
are having the same conversation downstairs do you?  
  
ROZ  
I doubt it. I don't think he's been thinking about it like I have.  
RESET TO: INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES HAVE NOW MADE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND CAN NOW BE SEEN THROUGH THE SEA OF BALLOONS  
  
NILES You kissed her?  
  
FRASIER Yes I did.  
  
NILES Roz?  
  
FRASIER Yes.  
  
NILES Roz Doyle?  
  
FRASIER Yes Niles.  
  
NILES The Roz Doyle that's your producer?  
  
FRASIER Yes Niles. For God's sake how many Roz Doyle's do you know?  
  
NILES  
I happen to know a...just one. Kissed her how exactly. Show me on this  
balloon.  
  
NILES PICKS UP A BALLOON  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
No wait not that one. This one looks more like Roz.  
  
NILES PICKS UP ANOTHER BALLOON  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Okay now show me.  
  
FRASIER I am not making out with a balloon.  
  
NILES How did this happen?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE  
  
ROZ  
It was when we were looking for the glass eye. We were alone and I  
happened to mention that I was maybe feeling a little jealous of you.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE  
  
NILES  
Roz wants me? Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it all along! All of the  
years of insults. She's like those little girls in the second grade  
that used to pelt me with chocolate pudding because they liked me.  
  
FRASIER  
No! Roz Doesn't want you. She was just feeling a bit sorry for herself  
because she was dateless at a wedding and surrounded by happy couples.  
  
NILES  
I see and you took it upon yourself to take advantage of her in her  
vulnerable state. That's against the Hippocratic oath Frasier and not  
to mention extremely like Simon.  
  
FRASIER  
I most certainly did not take advantage of her. It just sort of  
happened.  
  
NILES  
I'm sorry Frasier I'm only joking. I can't quite believe we're having  
this conversation like this.  
  
FRASIER  
I know you've only just come home but I needed to talk to someone  
about it and I obviously couldn't turn to Roz.  
  
NILES No I meant in a room full of balloons.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE  
  
DAPHNE Then what happened?  
  
ROZ  
After dinner we talked about it on the dance floor and we decided that  
it didn't actually mean anything.  
  
DAPHNE "We" decided?  
  
ROZ Yeah.  
  
DAPHNE I take it was more of a "we" on his behalf?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE  
  
FRASIER She was the "we". It was like a royal "we".  
  
NILES  
Wait Frasier what are you telling me? I'm sorry I'm a little tired  
from the flight and other strenuous activities of the last two weeks.  
  
FRASIER  
Spare me the gory details Niles. If I'm honest with myself I think  
that there's more there.  
  
NILES You think or you'd like there to be?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE  
  
ROZ Both. I think I'd like there to be.  
  
DAPHNE Then you have to talk to him about this.  
  
ROZ  
Yeah. That'll be fun. "Hey Fras remember when I kissed you and you  
grabbed my ass? Let's do it again after dinner."  
  
DAPHNE  
Yeah something like that but maybe not as subtle. You don't want to  
leave any room for ambiguity.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE  
  
NILES What about Allison.  
  
FRASIER  
I've been thinking about that. I do like Allison. A lot. But as for  
our relationship being more then that I think if we were really in  
love this would never have happened.  
  
NILES  
Then may I suggest a few things to you? Secondly end things with  
Allison because if this is definitely not going anywhere it's not fair  
to keep her hanging on the line and thirdly talk to Roz soon about how  
you're feeling, see if she feels the same and then take it from there.  
  
FRASIER What about firstly?  
  
NILES  
Firstly get out of my house. I've just got back from my honeymoon and  
my wife and I would like to...do stuff.  
  
FRASIER  
Dear God it's generic. Can you promise me one thing and then we'll  
leave? Don't tell Daphne or Dad about this. Until I know what's  
happening I want it kept between us.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE  
  
DAPHNE Don't worry I won't tell them a thing.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE  
  
FRASIER  
Thank you. Now let's try to make our way back to the living room.  
  
BOTH FRASIER AND NILES DISAPPEAR BEHIND THE BALLOONS  
  
FRASIER  
Thank God this is a swinging door other wise we'd have to pop our way  
out. I think I've got the door handle.  
  
NILES That door doesn't have a door handle.  
  
FRASIER What's this then?  
  
SFX: SEVERAL BALLOONS POPPING  
  
NILES I'll go with the griddle knob.  
  
A LOT OF THE BALLOONS POP SO THAT FRASIER AND NILES BEGIN TO COME BACK INTO VIEW AS MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER  
  
DAPHNE What the hell's going on in here?  
  
FRASIER We're trapped in a giant popcorn maker.  
  
MARTIN I thought I was having a Korea flashback.  
  
MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM  
  
FRASIER Roz can I have a quick word with you?  
  
ROZ Sure.  
  
FRASIER STARES AT NILES WAITING FOR HIM TO TAKE THE HINT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE FOR A MOMENT  
  
NILES  
What? Oh right. Let's go and try to pop some of these balloons in the  
living room so we don't have to swim to the front door.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM  
  
ROZ I think we went a little overboard with the balloons.  
  
FRASIER  
Just ever so slightly. (PAUSE) Listen Roz I've been thinking about  
what happened at the wedding between us.  
  
ROZ Me too. I've been thinking about it a lot actually.  
  
FRASIER Would you like to have coffee with me sometime?  
  
ROZ  
We have coffee together nearly everyday.  
  
FRASIER  
I know but I thought it would be nice to arrange to meet instead of  
just bumping into each other.  
  
ROZ That would be nice. Say tomorrow at eleven o'clock?  
  
FRASIER Okay great.  
  
ROZ Is this a date Frasier?  
  
FRASIER I'm not sure.  
  
ROZ How about it's a date but it's not a date?  
  
FRASIER That sounds wonderful. It's a date then. I mean just coffee.  
  
FRASIER PUSHES OPEN THE SWING DOOR ONLY TO HEAR A THUD. HE STOPS PUSHING FOR A MOMENT BEFORE OPENING IT AGAIN TO REVEAL NILES, WHO HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN LISTENING AT THE DOOR LYING ON THE FLOOR HOLDING HIS NOSE  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Niles.  
  
NILES  
I just noticed a scratch on the door. It's very tiny. This is my home,  
why should I have to explain my behaviour?  
  
ROZ So that we don't have you committed?  
  
AS FRASIER AND ROZ GO TO EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(B)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/2  
  
(Daphne, Niles, Waiter, Martin, Frasier, Roz)  
  
DAPHNE STANDS AT THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA AS NILES ENTERS AND APPROACHES HER MUCH TO HER SURPRISE  
  
DAPHNE Oh my God! What the hell are you doing here? Get out!  
  
NILES That's a nice way to greet your husband.  
  
DAPHNE I'm sorry. Hello sweetheart.  
  
SHE KISSES HIM AS A WAITER APPROACHES THEM TO TAKE THEIR ORDER  
  
DAPHNE (CONT'D) (IMMEDIATELY) So what are you doing here?  
  
NILES  
Erm...I can't tell you. Anyway I thought you were going to the grocery  
store this morning. What are you doing here?  
  
DAPHNE I can't tell you either.  
  
NILES  
I love how much more we share things since the wedding. We have a much  
more open relationship.  
  
WAITER  
Can you both tell me what you'd like to order or is that a secret too?  
  
DAPHNE A bottle of water please.  
  
NILES Make that two.  
  
WAITER You've come to a coffee house for water?  
  
DAPHNE I'm pregnant.  
  
WAITER Ah.  
  
THE WAITER LOOKS TO NILES FOR HIS ANSWER  
  
NILES She's pregnant.  
  
WAITER I see. It's nice to know who wears the pants in your house.  
  
THE WAITER DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS NILES CALLS OUT TO HIM  
  
NILES What does that mean? I'll have you know I wear the pants!  
  
DAPHNE Let it go honey he's a stranger.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE IN THE FRONT CORNER BY THE COUNTER AS MARTIN ENTERS  
  
MARTIN  
Oh hi guys. (TO THE WAITER) Black coffee please. What are you two  
doing here?  
  
MARTIN SITS DOWN AS THE WAITER BRINGS THE WATER  
  
NILES / DAPHNE I can't tell you.  
  
DAPHNE  
I was thinking do you think I can't tell you the same thing that you  
can't tell me?  
  
NILES I think so. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
DAPHNE  
I think so. Although we could be both thinking about completely  
different things.  
  
NILES I don't think so.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO STARE AT THE DOOR WAITING FOR FRASIER AND ROZ TO ARRIVE  
  
MARTIN  
Okay and that conversation has just given me a brain haemorrhage. What  
are you both looking for?  
  
NILES Nothing.  
  
DAPHNE Nothing at all.  
  
MARTIN Then why are both starring at the door?  
  
NILES It's an emergency exit. I want to make sure that it's clear.  
  
DAPHNE  
Yeah and plus that cloud through the window looks like Keith Richards  
with a mullet.  
  
MARTIN Did you two get sunstroke while you were away?  
  
NILES  
We didn't actually spend that much time in the sun to be honest.  
  
MARTIN  
Oh jeez, I don't want to hear this. I have enough horror shows in my  
head what with flashbacks of hacked up hookers. I don't want this  
making it worse.  
  
DAPHNE  
Because it was too hot there. I got uncomfortable sitting in the sun  
for too long.  
  
MARTIN Is that because of the baby?  
  
DAPHNE I'm not sure.  
  
MARTIN  
How are you feeling anyway Daphne? This little angel isn't giving you  
too much trouble is it?  
  
DAPHNE  
Actually I'm not feeling too bad. I thought morning sickness was going  
to be a lot worse then this. I wasn't quite prepared for the effects  
of your son though.  
  
NILES What does that mean?  
  
DAPHNE You have been quite hysterical since we found out.  
  
NILES I have not. I've been like a rock.  
  
DAPHNE Oh please Niles you've been sick more then I have.  
  
NILES That was the foreign food.  
  
MARTIN Hawaii? Foreign?  
  
NILES It's foreign to me.  
  
DAPHNE Then why were you sick before we went away?  
  
NILES  
I'd like to take the fifth on that. But I'd like to maintain that I'm  
feeling fine.  
  
DAPHNE You're feeling sick right now aren't you?  
  
NILES Well you made me.  
  
MARTIN That's nothing it's just nerves.  
  
DAPHNE  
He's packed me a hospital bag and planned the best routes to the  
hospital at each time of the day for every day of the week in every  
possible weather condition. If I go into labour at three o'clock in  
the morning on a Wednesday in snow, we're taking the Pine and 1st  
route. Let's hope we don't hit any construction on the highway.  
  
NILES There's nothing wrong with being prepared.  
  
MARTIN You're nuts you know that?  
  
FRASIER ENTERS  
  
DAPHNE Oh look here's your brother.  
  
NILES  
Are you waiting for him to come for the same reason that I'm waiting  
for him to come?  
  
DAPHNE I think so.  
  
NILES I'm glad we got that cleared up.  
  
MARTIN You two are getting weird.  
  
FRASIER (HORRIFIED) Niles, Daphne, Dad! What are you all doing here?  
  
MARTIN Don't ask them. Save yourself the headache.  
  
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I speak to you.  
  
FRASIER AND NILES MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) You told Daphne?  
  
NILES  
I most certainly did not. I think she already knows. Put it down to  
her psychic ability.  
  
FRASIER  
You don't think Roz might have said something to her about what  
happened at the wedding?  
  
NILES Or alternatively Roz might have said something to her.  
  
FRASIER Then what are you doing here? I don't need an audience.  
  
NILES  
I didn't mean to intrude on your date, I just wanted to make sure that  
everything was going well.  
  
FRASIER It's not a date, its just coffee.  
  
NILES Fine. We'll leave.  
  
FRASIER Thank you.  
  
NILES But only after we've seen Roz.  
  
THEY MOVE BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SIT DOWN  
  
FRASIER Well since you're all here, I might as well as tell you.  
  
MARTIN Tell us what? I'm not moving into a home.  
  
FRASIER  
Oh calm down, I'm not going to move you anywhere. I broke up with  
Allison this morning.  
  
MARTIN Why did you do a crazy thing like that?  
  
FRASIER Things just weren't working out like I'd hoped.  
  
DAPHNE How did she take it?  
  
FRASIER  
I have a bruise the size of a kneecap on an extremely tender portion  
of my anatomy and she snapped all of my pens and pencils in my  
briefcase.  
  
NILES You carry around pencils in your briefcase?  
  
FRASIER Sometimes I like to doodle.  
  
MARTIN  
Yeah because that's the important thing. I don't believe this is  
happening. After all this time. After all the hours put into the  
relationship to have it end like this.  
  
FRASIER  
For God's sake Dad, get a grip. I broke up with Allison not you.  
  
ROZ ENTERS AND HANGS UP HER COAT  
  
DAPHNE Roz is here.  
  
FRASIER  
Oh right well I'm going to go and sit over there. There's more room to  
spread out.  
  
WHILE ROZ'S BACK IS TURNED FRASIER CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF NERVOSA AND SITS AT THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW FACING THE COUNTER  
  
MARTIN We can join you Fras.  
  
MARTIN GOES TO STAND BUT DAPHNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN INTO HIS SEAT  
  
DAPHNE Stay old man.  
  
ROZ SEES THEM AND STARTS TO APPROACH A LITTLE SHOCKED  
  
MARTIN Would someone please tell me what's going on?  
  
ROZ Daphne, Niles, Martin hello! Daphne get over here.  
  
ROZ AND DAPHNE MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) You told Niles?  
  
DAPHNE  
I think he already knew. He must have read your body language. He is  
an extremely talented psychiatrist you know.  
  
ROZ Or Frasier might have told him what happened.  
  
DAPHNE That would also make sense.  
  
ROZ  
More importantly what are you doing here? I don't need to be watched  
like a monkey in the zoo.  
  
DAPHNE  
That's a good job. Have you seen what some of those monkey's get up to  
at that zoo? If you did that here you'd get arrested.  
  
ROZ  
Daphne focus. Why are you guys here? This feels strange enough as it  
is.  
  
DAPHNE  
Moral support? Oh all right we'll go. And speaking of Frasier, he's  
here. Good luck with this.  
  
ROZ Thanks.  
  
AS DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN WITH NILES AND MARTIN, ROZ SLOWLY APPROACHES FRASIER'S TABLE AND SITS DOWN. FROM THIS MOMENT ON THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) Hi. We seem to have attracted an audience.  
  
FRASIER Yes we do. I think we should have charged admission.  
  
A BEAT  
  
ROZ This is a little strange.  
  
FRASIER I know.  
  
A BEAT  
  
ROZ  
But good strange. Like that dream where you're walking through the  
mall naked.  
  
FRASIER  
I can't say I've ever had that dream. Strange for me would just be  
walking through the mall at all.  
  
ROZ I wonder what they're talking about over there.  
  
FRASIER Us probably.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Very strange.  
  
ROZ Strange indeed.  
  
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN WHO ARE WATCHING FRASIER AND ROZ LIKE HAWKS  
  
NILES What are they saying?  
  
DAPHNE  
I can lip read. He's asking if that's a pander bear in the corner of  
the room. (PAUSE) Okay I can't lip read.  
  
MARTIN Will someone please tell me what's going on?  
  
A BEAT  
  
NILES  
Oh all right. Frasier kissed Roz at the wedding. Or was it the other  
way around?  
  
MARTIN Oh I knew that.  
  
DAPHNE How did you know that?  
  
MARTIN  
They've been acting really weird around each other while you were  
away. I knew something was up.  
  
DAPHNE Well now they think that there might be something there.  
  
FRASIER GETS UP AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER  
  
MARTIN Are you telling me this is a date?  
  
FRASIER No it's not. Its just coffee. Stop starring at us.  
  
AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK BUT PRETEND NOT TO WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT ONE  
  
ACT TWO  
  
(C)  
  
TITLE CARD: "JUST THINK OF THE FILMS HE PAST ON"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/3  
  
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz)  
  
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A PILE OF VIDEOS NEXT TO HIM AS NILES SITS ON THE COUCH SIPPING A SHERRY  
  
MARTIN  
Okay Niles so what do you want to watch tonight? The Longest Day,  
America's Funniest Home Videos or there's a Seahawks game on.  
  
NILES  
Those are our only options? Isn't there some paint that we could watch  
dry.  
  
MARTIN You'd like football if you only gave it a chance.  
  
NILES  
I've been told the same about putting a fork in a toaster but I don't  
think I really want to try that either.  
  
MARTIN  
Then let's watch America's Funniest Home Videos. You might be on it.  
  
NILES Why would I be on it?  
  
MARTIN (OBVIOUSLY LYING) Oh no reason.  
  
NILES Dad what did you send them?  
  
MARTIN  
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Nothing but I did pick up another video from  
the store.  
  
NILES (HOPEFUL) Does it have subtitles?  
  
MARTIN  
Not everything has to have words to be enjoyable you know Niles. How  
are you able to enjoy a book on tape?  
  
NILES Surprisingly enough Dad I actually just read the book.  
  
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A GLASS OF WATER  
  
DAPHNE So have you two finished squabbling yet?  
  
MARTIN  
I was just telling Niles I picked up another video from the store.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh wonderful. You didn't get it from the dark section behind the  
curtain again did you?  
  
DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES  
  
MARTIN No. I took my glasses this time.  
  
DAPHNE  
Thank God. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever had to do returning  
that back to the store. I hope you've learnt your lesson now that  
although it may sound the same Shaving Ryan's Privates is not the  
Steven Spielberg war epic.  
  
NILES Is that why the guy behind the desk keeps grinning at us?  
  
DAPHNE  
The security camera follows us a lot more closely as well now. So what  
video did you get?  
  
MARTIN Something that I thought would help Niles.  
  
MARTIN PASSES A VIDEO TO NILES SO HE CAN READ THE COVER  
  
NILES Child birth?  
  
MARTIN  
That'll show you Niles that you've got nothing to worry about.  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh yes because Niles is the one that's going to be pushing something  
the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape.  
  
FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED SMARTLY FOR DINNER  
  
FRASIER Oh hi guys I didn't hear you arrive.  
  
MARTIN  
You were singing that Italian crap in the shower. You'd struggle to  
hear a nuclear explosion over that noise.  
  
NILES You've certainly made a very big effort for this date Frasier.  
  
FRASIER It's not a date, it's just dinner.  
  
DAPHNE But you're wearing your never fail date cufflinks.  
  
FRASIER  
Yes which have never failed to not get me a second date. Proof  
positive that this is not a date, it's just dinner with a friend.  
  
MARTIN Still you do seem to have gone overboard with the cologne.  
  
DAPHNE That's Eddie's flea spray.  
  
FRASIER  
But thanks Dad for being able to tell the difference. I wonder what's  
keeping Roz.  
  
NILES She's coming here? You're having your date pick you up?  
  
FRASIER  
How many more times people it's not a date it's dinner. There's a very  
significant difference. Dinner however may lead to a date.  
  
NILES  
So what you're telling us is you're going to date her before you go  
out on a date with her.  
  
FRASIER  
Exactly. And we're only going out to dinner because it was difficult  
to talk yesterday with you three starring at us mesmerised.  
  
MARTIN  
If you don't mind me saying so son you don't seem overly enthusiastic  
about this.  
  
FRASIER Did you expect me to turn tricks and do a couple of cartwheels?  
  
MARTIN  
Yeah a man who puts his back out blowing out a cup cake can do  
cartwheels! I just mean normally you'd have gone through your twelve  
point inspection by now and be speaking French for no apparent reason.  
  
FRASIER  
But this is Roz, not someone I met filling my car up with gas. And  
that inspection would normally be for a date. Not just for dinner.  
  
MARTIN Okay.  
  
SFX: DOORBELL  
  
FRASIER Speak of the devil.  
  
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A COCKTAIL DRESS. THEY ARE ONCE AGAIN A LITTLE AWKWARD AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT THEM  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Hi.  
  
ROZ Hi.  
  
FRASIER You look fabulous.  
  
ROZ So do you.  
  
NILES Hi we're also here.  
  
ROZ Oh I'm sorry, hi guys.  
  
FRASIER So are you ready to go?  
  
ROZ Yes. I'll just be a second.  
  
AS FRASIER EXITS ROZ RUSHES TO THE COUCH AND SHOWS HER TEETH  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) Anything on my teeth?  
  
DAPHNE Nope, nothing.  
  
ROZ Thanks.  
  
MARTIN Have a fun date.  
  
ROZ It's not a date it's just dinner.  
  
AS ROZ EXITS MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VCR  
  
NILES I think they might be in a state of denial.  
  
MARTIN  
Gee do you think? Let's start this video so we can watch The Longest  
Day before you go home.  
  
NILES Oh joy!  
  
MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VIDEO AND SUDDENLY THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUND OF A WOMAN SCREAMING  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Oh my God what is that?!  
  
DAPHNE Get that thing out of that poor woman!  
  
MARTIN This is worse then Korea!  
  
EVERYONE ATTEMPTS TO SHIELD THEIR EYES BUT CAN'T HELP BUT LOOK  
  
DAPHNE You've had two children. Surely you've seen it before.  
  
MARTIN  
They wouldn't let us in then. We had to wait outside passing out  
cigars.  
  
NILES You delivered that baby in the taxi.  
  
MARTIN I was trying not to look. This film should be banned.  
  
DAPHNE  
Okay that's it this baby is never coming out of me. Don't worry it'll  
be fine. I'll be a seventy-year-old woman carrying around a thirty-  
year-old baby.  
  
NILES Don't worry. Everything will be fine.  
  
MARTIN Unless that happens.  
  
NILES  
Oh my God! Turn it off! Turn it off! I'm feeling sick again and I  
don't think it's the foreign food.  
  
AS NILES RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(D)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - DAY/3  
  
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Attendant, Man)  
  
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED RESTAURANT READING THEIR MENUS AND STILL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A DOOR THAT LEADS TO THE RESTROOMS.  
  
FRASIER Well this is nice.  
  
ROZ  
Yes it is. I thought this might be a little weird. You know with it  
being a...dinner and all.  
  
FRASIER Well it's a date but it's not a date. It's dinner.  
  
ROZ Exactly. Just dinner. Nothing to feel uncomfortable about.  
  
FRASIER So what are you going to order?  
  
ROZ I'm not sure. What's good here?  
  
FRASIER The salmon is exquisite and his oysters are world renown.  
  
ROZ Oysters? Really?  
  
ROZ SUDDENLY DROPS HER MENU ON THE TABLE AND STANDS  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) Excuse me a moment Frasier I have to use the bathroom.  
  
FRASIER Okay.  
  
ROZ EXITS INTO THE RESTROOM  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE ALL WHERE WE LEFT THEM STILL WATCHING THE VIDEO  
  
MARTIN  
Oh my God! That's more then I needed to see. I'm going to have that  
image scarred on my brain for the rest of my life.  
  
DAPHNE You're the one that bought the bloody video!  
  
MARTIN I thought it would help Niles.  
  
NILES This is not easing my sickness. It's adding to it.  
  
DAPHNE I hope you'll have a better reaction when I'm giving birth.  
  
NILES  
Of course I will. Right before I loose all feeling in my legs, hit the  
linoleum floor and knock myself out.  
  
SFX: CELL PHONE RINGING  
  
DAPHNE That's my cell phone.  
  
DAPHNE STANDS AND MOVES TO THE COAT PEG  
  
NILES  
Oh that poor, poor woman. I'm so, so sorry Daphne. Look at the damage  
a man can do! I'll never touch you again. I promise.  
  
MARTIN Didn't you see this kind of stuff in medical school?  
  
NILES  
Yes and then shortly after I saw my lunch disappear down the toilet.  
  
DAPHNE TAKES HER CELL PHONE OUT OF HER COAT POCKET AND ANSWERS IT  
  
DAPHNE Oh brother. (ON THE PHONE) Hello?  
  
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Hello Daphne.  
  
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Roz?  
  
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Yeah it's me.  
  
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Why aren't you eating dinner?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
ROZ SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE SINK IN THE BATHROOM WITH AN ATTENDANT SITTING IN THE CORNER  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) I've just gone to the bathroom and they don't serve  
food in here.  
  
DAPHNE  
(OVER THE PHONE) Please tell me you're not calling from a stall. That  
would be sharing a little too much information.  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) No I'm not. The food may be five-star but the toilet  
seats aren't. I need your advice. This date thing dinner, what ever it  
is. It's weird.  
  
DAPHNE  
(OVER THE PHONE) That's because you're in the bathroom on your own  
rather then at the table with your date.  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) It's not a date it's dinner and anyway I'm not alone,  
the bathroom attendant is here. By the way I was joking about the  
toilets. They're very clean.  
  
ATTENDANT Give me a dollar or go back to your table lady.  
  
ROZ STARES AT THE ATTENDANT FOR A MOMENT  
  
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) I'm not sure how I should act with Frasier.  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) How do you mean?  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) Well it's Frasier and he's talking about oysters. If  
this were any other guy by now I would have spilt my water down my  
dress and be asking the guy to help me dry it off.  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) And that works?  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) Are you kidding? I've had guys retrieve an ice cube  
from down my blouse before now. But I can't do that now. It's Frasier.  
Did this sort of thing happen when you started dating Niles?  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) No I never put an ice cube now my blouse.  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) That's not what I meant. I'm not sure what to talk  
about.  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) What do you mean?  
  
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) We have nothing to talk about.  
  
DAPHNE  
(OVER THE PHONE) He's practically your best friend how can you not  
have anything to talk about?  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) But that's with Frasier my friend not with Frasier my  
date. Okay let's move on to dinner. Normally on a first date I'm  
careful about how and what I eat. I want to appear lady like. But I'm  
here with Frasier. When I'm with him I'd eat a whole cow and belch up  
a hoof in front of him and not even care.  
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM  
  
DAPHNE  
(ON THE PHONE) Putting that charming image out of my mind for just a  
second. Why don't you compromise? Eat the cow but belch it up when you  
get home.  
  
NILES Good God!  
  
MARTIN Turn it off! Turn it off!  
  
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) What is going on there?  
  
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) We're watching birthing videos.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) Not a good idea. After watching one of those I  
contemplated stapling my legs together. (THEN) I'm not sure if this is  
what I want anymore.  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Why?  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) I think I was more interested by the idea of it. I  
wanted to see if it works and I think coffee proved yesterday that it  
doesn't.  
  
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Then it's probably best to tell him.  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) This won't be easy if he's not thinking the same thing.  
I'd better get back to dinner. Bye.  
  
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AND EXITS  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER REMAINS AT THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN  
  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
I'm sorry about that. I think the bathroom attendants here were former  
members of the Nazi party.  
  
FRASIER I think they ask for that on the application form.  
  
ROZ Now where were we?  
  
FRASIER  
Just about the order. Which we'll do in a just a second. Excuse me.  
  
ROZ Okay.  
  
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
WITH THE BIRTHING VIDEO NOW SWITCHED OFF DAPHNE IS SITTING BACK WITH NILES ON THE COUCH AS MARTIN REMAINS IN HIS CHAIR  
  
SFX: PHONE RINGING  
  
NILES PICKS UP THE RECEIVER FROM OFF THE TABLE  
  
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Hello Frasier.  
  
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) How did you know it was me?  
  
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let's just say I'm psychic.  
  
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) So how's your evening?  
  
NILES (ON THE PHONE) What's the problem?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER SITS ON ONE OF THE TOILETS WITH THE DOOR OPEN AS HE TALKS ON HIS CELL PHONE. AS HE TALKS THERE IS A MAN STANDING UP AGAINST THE URINAL LOOKING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED.  
  
FRASIER  
(ON THE PHONE) This is weird. We don't seem to have anything to talk  
about other then the Nazi party.  
  
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Ah ideal date conversation.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Did you feel like this with Daphne?  
  
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) No.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Thanks.  
  
NILES  
(OVER THE PHONE) But that was different with us, we already knew how  
we felt. You don't know.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) No I think I do.  
  
NILES  
(OVER THE PHONE) No you don't that's your problem. That's what's wrong  
with both of you.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Are you acting as my therapist now Niles?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE  
  
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Well I could pass you over to Dad.  
  
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) No you'll do fine, Dad has no credentials.  
  
NILES STANDS AND MOVES OVER TO THE ISLAND  
  
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let me put you on speaking phone.  
  
NILES PUTS THE PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE  
  
FRASIER No Niles don't do that.  
  
NILES Okay.  
  
A BEAT  
  
FRASIER Are you lying to me?  
  
EDDIE STARTS TO BARK  
  
NILES No.  
  
FRASIER Then why can I hear Eddie barking?  
  
NILES  
He's listening in your room. Eddie get off the phone! Honestly Frasier  
you're not on speakerphone.  
  
FRASIER Dad?  
  
MARTIN Yes son? Oh shoot.  
  
NILES  
Look forget about the speaker phone and let's focus on the problem.  
You both keep insisting that this isn't a date.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER SITS AS BEFORE BUT NOW THE MAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM WAITING TO GET HIS ATTENTION  
  
FRASIER  
(ON THE PHONE) It's not. Excuse me a second Niles. (TO THE MAN) What  
is it?  
  
MAN Who are you talking to?  
  
FRASIER  
Not that it's any of your business but I'm on the phone to my brother.  
Is that all?  
  
MAN  
It's just that I need to go but I can't with other voices in the room.  
It disturbs my rhythm.  
  
FRASIER  
Fine I'll be quieter but for future reference no one needs that much  
information.  
  
THE MAN WALKS BACK TO THE URINAL  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
(ON THE PHONE WHISPERING) Hello Niles I'm back.  
  
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) I can hardly hear you.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Someone else is trying to pee in here.  
  
NILES  
(OVER THE PHONE) And you're trying to listen? Never mind. Okay but  
back to the matter at hand. It seems that a date is not what either of  
you want. It seems to me that you've both conjured up these feelings  
to try to convince yourselves that you really feel one way, when you  
really don't.  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) I don't understand.  
  
MAN I can still hear you. I can't go until there is total silence.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
AS BEFORE  
  
NILES  
I think there was more of a curiosity there about what might happen.  
After all it happen at the wedding. Daphne and I were an example of  
what could happen.  
  
FRASIER You have a point there.  
  
NILES  
Roz was feeling lonely. To your own admission things weren't going  
that well with Allison. You invented these feelings for Roz to justify  
splitting up with Allison and Roz did the same so she wasn't alone  
anymore. And even if your feelings are genuine the fear that you both  
have is going to be holding you back.  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
AS BEFORE  
  
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Fear?  
  
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Of ruining what you already have together.  
  
FRASIER  
(ON THE PHONE) Thank you Niles. I just needed someone else to say it  
out loud. I'll speak to you tomorrow.  
  
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND STANDS  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) I'm going. Are you happy now!  
  
MAN I can't go when people yell at me! I may never go again!  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
AS BEFORE EXCEPT DAPHNE IS NOW STANDING TALKING INTO HER CELL PHONE  
  
DAPHNE  
(ON THE PHONE) Did you hear all of that, or do you want Niles to  
council you now?  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS  
  
ROZ IS STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE  
  
ROZ  
(ON THE PHONE) No I heard. Tell him thank you.  
  
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AS FRASIER RETURNS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN  
  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
I was beginning to think you'd got sucked out the plughole.  
  
FRASIER I was counselling a man unable to pee to front of strangers.  
  
ROZ How did you manage that?  
  
FRASIER I didn't but I learnt yelling makes it worse.  
  
ROZ Was he good looking?  
  
FRASIER  
I'm not about to start to pick up men with bladder problems from the  
bathroom of Chez Henry Roz.  
  
ROZ I meant for me.  
  
FRASIER Roz I...  
  
ROZ I don't think this is going to work out between us.  
  
FRASIER Me either.  
  
ROZ Really? You're not just saying that?  
  
FRASIER  
No I'm not. I love you Roz but as my friend. My best friend.  
Personally I think that there's possibly something there between us  
but out of fear of loosing what we already have I think we should  
leave it as it is. And if nature should chart this course for us in  
the future then so be it.  
  
ROZ  
I couldn't agree more. I just hope that this hasn't already affected  
our relationship. I would hate to loose what we have.  
  
FRASIER We'll never loose that Roz.  
  
ROZ Well I should go and relieve my babysitter.  
  
FRASIER  
Well just because this evening isn't going to go anywhere doesn't mean  
that two old friends can't enjoy their dinner.  
  
ROZ I guess your right. Cheers.  
  
FRASIER Cheers.  
  
ROZ  
And besides if we stay here you can introduce me to that waiter.  
  
AS THEY LAUGH AND START TO RELAX WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT TWO  
  
CLOSING CREDITS: NILES IS IN HIS KITCHEN WHICH IS NOW EMPTY OF BALLOONS. HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND LOOKS INSIDE. AFTER PULLING OUT AT LEAST A DOZEN BALLOONS FROM INSIDE HE PULLS OUT A RAW CHICKEN. HE PLACES IT ON A TRAY BEFORE OPENING UP THE OVEN DOOR ONLY TO FIND YET MORE BALLOONS STUFFED INSIDE. 


	3. A Fright At The Opera

I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.  
  
I have to say I rather like this one. In my opinion this is as close to a real FRASIER episode as I'm ever going to get. For those of you who have been keeping up to date with spoilers for season eleven you will notice a tiny overlap. This episode was however written at the start of the summer before certain storylines had arisen shall we say.  
  
Enjoy...  
  
Frasier  
Alternative Season Ten Episode Three  
A Fright At The Opera  
By  
Kelly-Simba  
  
ACT ONE  
  
(A)  
  
TITLE CARD: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC?"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. OPERA HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT - DAY/1  
  
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Margery)  
  
AT THE INTERMISSION OF AN OPERA THE AUDIENCE COMES OUT INTO THE LOBBY TO GET A DRINK. AS THE PEOPLE MILL AROUND FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH WEARING TUXEDOS RUBBING THEIR EARS WITH AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT, ALONG WITH DAPHNE WHO IS WEARING A BALL GOWN. THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING DAPHNE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE LISTENING TO ANYTHING THAT FRASIER AND NILES SAY BUT LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AT THE SEA OF FACES INSTEAD  
  
NILES  
You know I think that woman's singing is actually making me go deaf.  
I've never heard such a piercing screeching voice in all my life. Well  
with the exception of Maris when she used to catch sight of her weight  
gain in the mirror after Christmas dinner.  
  
FRASIER  
Ah yes I remember how that one slice of turkey used to make her bloat  
like she was having an allergic reaction to shellfish. I still find it  
hard to believe that they've actually paid that woman, who let it be  
known has all the singing ability of a dead sparrow, to perform on  
stage. Let alone in a production of such grandeur as this one.  
  
FRASIER PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
I can just hear this constant ringing in my ears.  
  
FRASIER PULLS HIS HANDS AWAY FROM HIS EARS  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Oh good Lord, I think they're bleeding.  
  
NILES  
It's by far the worst portrayal of Gilda I have ever heard and I saw  
Bette Milder's venture into opera. It was like looking at a car wreak,  
only louder and in a dress that even a hooker would draw the line at.  
Don't you agree Daphne? (PAUSE) Sweetheart? (PAUSE) Daphne? (SHOUTS)  
Daphne!  
  
DAPHNE, SUDDENLY HEARING HIM, PULLS SOME COTTON FROM HER EARS AND FINALLY TURNS TO FACE BOTH OF THEM  
  
DAPHNE I'm sorry what?  
  
NILES  
(SHOCKED) I don't believe this!  
  
NILES TAKES THE COTTON FROM DAPHNE  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
You know Frasier makes fun of your psychic ability but I'm beginning  
to believe it more and more everyday. But if you had a premonition  
about how bad Gilda was going to be why didn't you warn us?  
  
DAPHNE  
I didn't have a premonition. I always wear cotton wool in my ears to  
these things. It's the only way I can stand to come without some sort  
of alcohol or sedative.  
  
FRASIER You've been doing it all this time?  
  
NILES I have to say Daphne I'm hurt!  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh don't play innocent game with me either of you. (TO NILES) Don't  
think that I haven't noticed that every time I want to go to a concert  
you suddenly come down with an ear infection and an eye complication  
that means you have to keep them shut even though you're "still  
enjoying the music."  
  
NILES  
So? What? I happen find Billy Joel even more enjoyable when I can't  
hear or actually even see him perform. Is that such a crime?  
  
FRASIER Niles I don't believe it.  
  
DAPHNE  
And you can be quiet as well, I've seen you do the same thing at the  
basketball with your father. The way you shout and keep your eyes shut  
tight it's like we've taken the village idiot out for the day.  
  
FRASIER  
In my defence I've never exaggerated that eye condition thing. It can  
be very dry inside that stadium. It's no wonder that the Sonics never  
seem to be able to do what ever it is that they would normally do in a  
basketball game. I bet the player's eyes are so dry after the first  
five minutes they can hardly see.  
  
SUDDENLY NILES SEES SOMEONE IN THE CROWD AND HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE, JUST PEEPING HIS HEAD OVER HER SHOULDER  
  
NILES Uh-oh.  
  
DAPHNE What are you doing?  
  
NILES Maris sighting.  
  
FRASIER Either that or he's playing peek-a-boo with Cordell Watkins.  
  
NILES  
Don't joke Frasier. The man doesn't have full control over his mind  
these days. Or any control for that matter. Rumour has it, his butler  
found him sitting on top of the East Wing trying to build a nest last  
week.  
  
FRASIER Well that would explain why his leg is in plaster.  
  
NILES  
And why he is now being sued for sexual harassment. If he didn't have  
a few marbles rolling around upstairs I'm sure he wouldn't have said  
to his upstairs maid "Hey good looking it's not really my leg in  
here." Is there any wonder she's issued a restraining order and is  
claiming compensation for emotional distress?  
  
DAPHNE  
And these people are supposed to be the cream of the Seattle society  
you say?  
  
FRASIER They are. But just a little past their sell-by date.  
  
DAPHNE She's gone now you can come back out.  
  
NILES SLOWLY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE  
  
NILES  
You think that but she's never really gone. She's like an impeccably  
dressed version of athlete's foot. Just when you've forgotten about  
her she pops up to cause you more discomfort then that of a pig on a  
spit roast. Why can't I go anywhere without running into one of my ex-  
wives?  
  
NILES COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE AND STANDS NEXT HER WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER WAIST READY TO HIDE AGAIN  
  
DAPHNE Because you have a couple of them that's why Casanova.  
  
NILES So does Frasier.  
  
FRASIER  
But at least mine don't even live on the same side of the country as I  
do let alone state or city. What makes you think that she'd even want  
to speak to you?  
  
NILES  
The disgruntled note I received at my office wanting to know why she  
wasn't invited to the wedding.  
  
DAPHNE  
She didn't really want to come did she? That would have been weird.  
It's taken twenty years of therapy and a strong electrical current to  
cure me Auntie Margaret of seeing walking, talking hat stands. One  
glimpse of Maris and that would have set her back completely. (THEN)  
Although actually she could have come in handy, depending on where we  
sat her she could have stopped the ice sculptures from melting.  
  
NILES  
Oh she was quite serious. And also quite agitated when I sent her a  
reply saying I invited her to my first wedding, what more did she  
want?  
  
FRASIER How do you know she was agitated?  
  
NILES  
Marta is still her hatchet maid and by the size of her has been  
working out like she's training for the Olympics since I last saw her.  
She didn't say anything to me. Just booked an appointment under an  
alias with Mrs. Woodson, came into my office and kicked me in an area  
I'd care not mention.  
  
DAPHNE I'm surprised she didn't do it herself.  
  
NILES  
I'm sure she would have done had she ever been able to move her leg  
forward past a ten-degree angle. As a result she's never been able to  
walk properly it's more of a shuffle.  
  
DAPHNE Why don't you just go and speak to her?  
  
NILES STARTS TO CLING TO DAPHNE EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE  
  
NILES No that's okay Daphne, I can sense you're jealous.  
  
DAPHNE I'm really not. Now stop being a big baby and go over there.  
  
NILES (PLEADING) Come with me?  
  
DAPHNE On your bike, I'm not speaking to her.  
  
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY WALKS OFF INTO THE CROWD AS MARGERY, A WOMAN DRIPPING WITH BOTH MONEY AND ATTITUDE, MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AND DAPHNE  
  
FRASIER  
Oh here comes Margery Von Hassleberger. Have you ever met her? She's  
the biggest phoney I think I have ever...well hello there Margery you  
dear sweet woman.  
  
FRASIER KISSES MARGERY'S CHEEK  
  
MARGERY Hello Frasier.  
  
FRASIER Have you met my sister-in-law Daphne Crane?  
  
DAPHNE AND MARGERY SHAKE HANDS  
  
MARGERY  
Ah yes I had heard that Niles had remarried. It's a pleasure. Although  
I must say you do look awfully familiar dear.  
  
FRASIER  
Perhaps you've met at one of my opera get-togethers? Daphne used to be  
my housekeeper and my father's physical therapist.  
  
MARGERY  
Oh yes of course. How nice that you've been able to become so close.  
Crossing the servant boundaries and all that. Where is dear Niles  
anyway?  
  
DAPHNE LOOKS OVER INTO THE CROWD  
  
DAPHNE In the lion's den about to loose an arm.  
  
FRASIER So Margery how goes everything on the opera board?  
  
MARGERY  
Simply dreadful darling. You've heard the little story about Cordell  
Watkins and a certain member of his staff I take it?  
  
FRASIER The upstairs maid?  
  
MARGERY  
Good heavens no, that's last weeks news. It turns out Cordell has been  
carrying on behind his wife's back with the stable boy.  
  
FRASIER You're kidding?  
  
DAPHNE  
If you ask me you high society types should start to spend more money  
getting your hormones in check then on sheep gland facial masks and  
other such nonsense.  
  
MARGERY  
I couldn't agree more dear. But this whole scandal is much worse then  
a simple master / servant affair.  
  
DAPHNE (BEGINNING TO GET ANGRY) Is that so? Well...  
  
FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE  
  
FRASIER (WHISPERS) Count to ten and look at your wedding ring.  
  
DAPHNE Thank you.  
  
MARGERY  
The stable boy is Senator Adler's son. We can't have that kind of  
scandal three times in the space of two years. That boy certainly gets  
around. So to cut a long story short his seat on the board is now  
vacated and we're currently in the process of looking for a  
replacement.  
  
FRASIER  
Really? Well a seat on the board has always been on the forefront of  
my agenda.  
  
MARGERY  
I know dear that's why I mentioned it. Let the campaigning begin. So  
what do you think of this evening's performance?  
  
FRASIER  
Generally outstanding except for that poor woman playing Gilda. Dear  
God! You'd have to strap her to a NASA rocket before she'd get  
anywhere near reaching one of those high notes. Kidding aside who on  
earth can she be related to, to have won this role when I doubt she'd  
be able to sing a simple verse of Happy Birthday in tune?  
  
MARGERY Me. She's my daughter.  
  
FRASIER  
(A LITTLE STUNNED AND TRIPPING OVER HIS WORDS) Ah yes well, high notes  
are not that important especially in opera. When I said...  
  
MARGERY Goodnight Frasier.  
  
MARGERY WALKS AWAY AS FRASIER LOOKS ON ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh yes she's clearly phonier then you are. You've done nothing but  
complain about the woman's singing all night but I bet if she came out  
here right now you'd try to give her an enema.  
  
FRASIER I thought you couldn't hear anything through that cotton.  
  
DAPHNE  
Evidently no scientist has been able to invent a material to block out  
the sound of yours and Niles' incessant whining. You're like a couple  
of cats with your privates caught in an antique mangle.  
  
NILES COMES RUNNING BACK OVER TO FRASIER AND DAPHNE  
  
NILES I didn't think I'd come back alive.  
  
FRASIER How did it go?  
  
NILES  
She wouldn't speak to me. But there was an even bigger bonus then  
that. I overheard Elliot Klein talking about the opera board. Cordell  
Watkins has been kicked off. There's a seat up for grabs.  
  
FRASIER FRANTICALLY PULLS A QUARTER FROM HIS POCKET  
  
FRASIER I'll flip you for it.  
  
NILES But I heard it first.  
  
FRASIER Margery Van Hassleberger told me.  
  
NILES But it's my dream.  
  
FRASIER It's my destiny.  
  
NILES Then fine let the best man win.  
  
DAPHNE  
Can I stop you two rutting dears before this turns into another  
incident like that club place you were so obsessed about getting into  
years ago. Neither of you got in and you both ended up looking like  
fools. Now as much as I enjoy watching that, I really must put a stop  
to it before it starts.  
  
NILES Okay a compromise. A contest.  
  
DAPHNE Here we go this is like being at home with me brothers.  
  
FRASIER  
The challenge is accepted. I'll choose the category. The topic is the  
Seattle Symphony 2002-2003.  
  
DAPHNE  
Or not. My brothers used to see who could eat the hottest curry. Of  
course Michael always used to win, probably because he lost all his  
taste buds after he lost the annual cat shaving contest and had to  
drink a shot of drain cleaner. His vision has never been one hundred  
percent since either.  
  
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH STARE AT DAPHNE FOR A MOMENT  
  
FRASIER (TO NILES) Where do you begin?  
  
NILES  
Don't go there. I'll go first. Honorary Composer in Residence?  
  
FRASIER David Diamond. E-Flat Clarinet?  
  
NILES Laura DeLuca. Timpani?  
  
FRASIER Michael Crusoe. Principal Bassoon?  
  
NILES Mike Gamburg.  
  
FRASIER  
(OVERJOYED) Nope wrong. Wrong! Seth Krimsky is the Principal Bassoon,  
Mike Gamburg is the Contrabassoon.  
  
NILES Damn!  
  
FRASIER (SHOUTS) I win! That seat is mine!  
  
AS NILES STARTS TO LOOK INCREASINGLY DEPRESSED DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM THROUGH HIS  
  
DAPHNE  
Don't worry about it sweetheart. After what he's just said to that  
Margery woman he stands as much chance of getting on that board as  
Eddie does.  
  
AS DAPHNE CONTINUES TO COMFORT NILES WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(B)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2 (Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne)  
  
THE LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF SUITCASES AND BOXES COVERED WITH DIFFERENT LABELS THAT HAVE COME FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AT THE ELLIOT BAY TOWERS. FRASIER STANDS LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.  
  
MARTIN Where shall I put this box?  
  
FRASIER  
Let's try some of that detective work you were supposed to be doing  
for all those years shall we?  
  
FRASIER READS THE LABEL  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
It says 'Shoes' so I'm going to guess she wants it put in the  
bathroom.  
  
MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER  
  
MARTIN I'm leaving it here.  
  
MARTIN PUTS THE BOX DOWN BY THE FIREPLACE BEFORE HE JOINS FRASIER IN LOOKING AT HOW MUCH STUFF THEY'VE MOVED THERE  
  
FRASIER  
Who knew Daphne had this much stuff in that small room? Still I might  
have known had the fear of having to buy her yet another new car kept  
me well beyond twenty feet from her door.  
  
MARTIN It's going to be strange having her gone.  
  
FRASIER  
But look at it this way Dad, the place goes back to being our swinging  
bachelor pad.  
  
MARTIN  
Swinging? Is that were you hang yourself from your lack of a love  
life? (THEN) I haven't really wanted to think about her leaving.  
  
FRASIER CROSSES TO MARTIN AND PUTS AN ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER  
  
FRASIER  
I know Dad. But she's your daughter-in-law now and it won't be that  
much of an adjustment. After all she's been technically gone for a  
long time now. After we found out about the baby I don't think  
Daphne's spent a night at home.  
  
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX UNNOTICED BY FRASIER AND MARTIN  
  
MARTIN  
I know but now all of her stuffs gone as well. (PAUSE) I've enjoyed  
having her there. She means so much to me and I'm just going to miss  
her that's all.  
  
FRASIER I know Dad. Me too.  
  
NILES Thanks for hiring her.  
  
FRASIER AND MARTIN TURN AROUND TO SEE NILES  
  
FRASIER No thank you for keeping her around.  
  
AS THE GUYS SHARE A SILENT MOMENT DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX BUT IS UNABLE TO GET PAST NILES WHO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY  
  
DAPHNE  
Come on you shift your arse. We're never going to get all of this lot  
put away if you don't pull your finger out.  
  
NILES MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AS DAPHNE WALKS IN AND PLACES THE BOX ON THE EDGE OF THE FAINTING COUCH  
  
FRASIER (TO NILES) Pull my finger out of where?  
  
NILES I have no idea. Just nod it's easier.  
  
MARTIN TAKES THE BOX OFF DAPHNE  
  
MARTIN  
Come here Daphne you shouldn't be carrying a heavy thing like that in  
your condition.  
  
DAPHNE  
Thank you Martin. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm told I  
shouldn't cook and clean in my condition and should spend all day  
watching the TV and eating ice cream.  
  
FRASIER In other words exchanging your life for Dads?  
  
MARTIN  
Daph you shouldn't be carrying anything like this. Here you go  
Frasier, take this upstairs. What? I'm an old man with a cane? Do you  
want me to trip and break my leg?  
  
MARTIN GIVES THE BOX TO FRASIER  
  
FRASIER Oh don't tempt me.  
  
DAPHNE Come on I'll show you where to put it.  
  
FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT UPSTAIRS. NILES STARTS TO LOOK AT THE LABELS ON ALL THE BOXES UNTIL HE SPOTS ONE AND FREEZES WITH HIS BACK TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE  
  
NILES Uh-oh.  
  
MARTIN Uh-oh what?  
  
NILES Does that say what I think it does?  
  
MARTIN LOOKS AT THE BOX  
  
MARTIN (READING) Unicorns.  
  
NILES Do you have a match?  
  
MARTIN No.  
  
DAPHNE ENTERS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE UNKNOWN TO NILES  
  
NILES A lighter?  
  
MARTIN No.  
  
NILES Any sort of way to make these combust?  
  
DAPHNE That better not be my box of unicorns you're talking about.  
  
DAPHNE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND NILES KISSES HER CHEEK AS FRASIER ENTERS AND WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS  
  
NILES  
Of course not sweetheart. I was just wondering where we should put  
them. I often feel that the bathroom is a good place to showcase my  
most precious possessions.  
  
DAPHNE  
Good then you won't mind moving some of this stuff in there so I can  
have my unicorns out in the living room then will you?  
  
FRASIER (TO NILES) You walked right into that one.  
  
NILES  
So have you decided what you're going to do in order to woo the opera  
board? Other then destroying the life long dreams of others?  
  
DAPHNE  
The first suggestion should be not badmouthing the daughters of the  
other board members.  
  
FRASIER  
Can you blame me? That woman moved around that stage like a whale.  
Only nowhere nearly as graceful. I'll admit that there is some major  
sucking up to be done.  
  
NILES  
Some? The only way you are going to stand a chance Frasier is if you  
burst both your lungs. Of course if I had the chance to get on the  
board I would never have done that.  
  
FRASIER I was actually thinking about hosting a dinner party on Friday.  
  
MARTIN Do you think that's such a good idea?  
  
FRASIER Why not?  
  
MARTIN You don't exactly have the best track record.  
  
FRASIER And what does that mean?  
  
MARTIN  
That the French have had more success defending Paris from invaders  
then you've had hosting dinner parties.  
  
DAPHNE He does raise a valid point.  
  
NILES  
If I were running for the board however I wouldn't have such problems  
with my dinner party.  
  
DAPHNE  
Have you erased the memory from your mind? Or are you interpreting  
having a bird stuck on your head and the dead body in the living room  
as good things?  
  
NILES Well aren't we Mrs. The Glass Is Half Empty today?  
  
FRASIER Can I count on you to attend Niles?  
  
NILES I'm not sure. I may have plans.  
  
FRASIER  
And what if I were to say I've heard rumours that John Ellis is going  
to be retiring from the board soon and this would be an ideal occasion  
to lay the groundwork to be his placement?  
  
NILES (CHEERY) I'll be there at seven. Shall I bring anything?  
  
FRASIER  
Just some witty dinner conversation. And on that subject. Dad I was  
wondering if you'd...  
  
MARTIN What? Clear out?  
  
FRASIER If you don't mind.  
  
MARTIN What's it worth?  
  
FRASIER I'll get you tickets to a Sonics game.  
  
MARTIN Five games.  
  
FRASIER Two.  
  
MARTIN Three.  
  
FRASIER Deal.  
  
FRASIER AND MARTIN SHAKE HANDS  
  
MARTIN Great, but I'm going out on Friday anyway. I've got a date.  
  
FRASIER What?! Then that deal is null and void.  
  
MARTIN Too late we shook on it.  
  
NILES (TO FRASIER) And you walked right into that one.  
  
AS THEY BEGIN TO TAKE SOME MORE OF THE BOXES UPSTAIRS WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(C)  
  
TITLE CARD: "NOBODY NOSE THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/3  
  
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Date)  
  
FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND WITH SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER SPREAD ACROSS THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS LOOKING QUITE STRESSED  
  
ROZ Hi Frasier.  
  
FRASIER Hi Roz. You look a little stressed. What's wrong?  
  
ROZ SITS DOWN AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS  
  
ROZ Alice, that's what's wrong.  
  
FRASIER  
What's happened this time? I haven't seen you like this since she  
glued herself to the dog.  
  
ROZ  
Can you believe that glue still hasn't come off her hands? Thank God  
it's no longer sticky. If I could pull the left over fur out of it, it  
wouldn't be so bad. I'm giving it one more week and then I'm shaving  
it off. She looks like a werewolf girl.  
  
FRASIER And you were worried she'd inherit Rick's nose.  
  
ROZ  
That's sort of the problem. She keeps putting things up her nose.  
  
FRASIER What like?  
  
ROZ Convertibles. Chickens. Now what would you think?  
  
FRASIER Well if she did have Rick's nose...  
  
ROZ  
I know it'd be big enough to get your head and your ego stuck up it.  
I'm talking about coins, marbles, anything that's small enough. I  
can't leave her alone for a second without coming back and finding her  
nostrils flared like she's about to breathe fire.  
  
FRASIER Oh dear.  
  
ROZ  
There has got to be a way to Alice proof her nostrils, I'm sick of  
having to go to the hospital. They have a chair in the waiting room  
with my name on it.  
  
FRASIER Why do you have to go to the hospital?  
  
ROZ  
It's the only way to get it out. They have this big metal clamp to  
yank whatever it is out. But she's terrified of it. I've tried to  
reassure her but apparently telling her that she should be lucky  
that's all they use on her, at my doctor they have stirrups, was the  
wrong thing to say. Now she's obsessed with going to see my doctor  
because she thinks I ride a pony there. I'm beginning to think that  
she only does it now because she thinks I'll give in and take her to  
my pony doctor.  
  
FRASIER  
I see. Still all those single doctors, surely it's coming in handy  
going up the hospital all the time.  
  
ROZ  
I think it's a sign of age when after five trips there in one day I  
get a little tired of flirting with doctors. Repeat that to anyone,  
especially Niles and I'll kill you.  
  
FRASIER Didn't you go out with a doctor not so long ago?  
  
ROZ  
Yeah he was an anaesthesiologist but it didn't really go anywhere.  
  
FRASIER Why not?  
  
ROZ  
When we went out I never really felt anything. What's this?  
  
ROZ STARTS TO READ THE PAPERS ON THE TABLE  
  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
Uh-oh. A seating chart? Menu's? Wine lists? You're going to host a  
dinner party aren't you?  
  
FRASIER Nothing gets by you does it Roz?  
  
ROZ Is the National Guard on standby to clear up afterwards?  
  
FRASIER What does that mean?  
  
ROZ  
Putting you in charge of a party is like putting a fertility God in a  
brothel. It's just asking for trouble.  
  
FRASIER  
Putting that flattering comparison aside for just one moment I may  
have had a few problems in the past but I've put all that behind me.  
  
ROZ I thought you'd run out of room back there.  
  
FRASIER  
That's very amusing. But I mean it. Getting onto that opera board is a  
dream that has been eluding me for years but not for much longer. Come  
Friday I will be a part of that board.  
  
ROZ I'm bored right now.  
  
FRASIER  
So it's okay for me to listen to you babble on about your Alice  
problem but I'm to keep quiet about my impending position on the opera  
board?  
  
MARTIN AND A FAIRLY YOUNG LOOKING WOMAN ENTER AND SIT BY THE WINDOW, WITH MARTIN FACING THE WINDOW. ROZ SPOTS THEM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. WHEN THEY SIT DOWN MARTIN BLOCKS THE VIEW OF HIS COMPANIONS FACE FROM FRASIER AND ROZ  
  
ROZ  
And you didn't need any fancy degrees to work that out. Is that your  
Dad?  
  
FRASIER TURNS AROUND TO LOOK BUT IS UNABLE TO SEE THE WOMAN'S FACE  
  
FRASIER  
Yes it is. And this must be the illusive woman he's been seeing on the  
sly. I've been beginning to wonder if she even existed since he's  
refused to let me meet her.  
  
ROZ  
This one must be serious then. If you don't want to scare your date  
off, rule number one is never introduce them to your family. Which is  
probably why Daphne has put an ocean and an entire country between  
herself and her family.  
  
FRASIER  
Are you implying that I'd scare her off? He can't be thinking that.  
  
THE WOMAN STANDS AND ROZ GETS TO SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THEY ARE ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE  
  
ROZ  
Actually I don't think he's scared you'll scare her off. He may be  
scared that you'll steal her.  
  
AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HER A LITTLE SHOCKED WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT ONE  
  
ACT TWO  
  
(D)  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/4  
  
(Daphne, Roz, Alice, Niles)  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ STAND BEHIND THE FAINTING COUCH LOOKING THROUGH SOME BOXES THAT STILL LITTER THE ROOM. ALICE SITS IN FRONT OF THE FAINTING COUCH PLAYING WITH A DOLL SET. THE FRONT DOOR IS PROPPED OPEN WITH ANOTHER BOX  
  
DAPHNE Thanks for this Roz.  
  
ROZ  
That's okay. I just can't believe that you haven't already got this  
done by now. You've been back two weeks now.  
  
DAPHNE  
I know it's taken a lot longer then I thought. Frasier would have been  
around to help again today but it's his party tonight for the opera  
board and he was waiting for the swans dressed as the characters from  
Madama Butterfly to arrive.  
  
ROZ Swans?  
  
DAPHNE  
Don't ask. Everything would have been done by now but you know I can't  
lift for obvious reasons and Niles can't lift because of...well...  
  
ROZ Obvious reasons?  
  
DAPHNE  
Exactly. And actually on the topic of Niles while he's bringing that  
last box up.  
  
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO A DRAWER BY THE FIREPLACE AND PULLS OUT A UNICORN ORNAMENT. SHE THEN PLACES IT ON TOP OF THE FIREPLACE IN PLACE OF AN WOODEN SCULPTURE AND PUTS THAT IN THE DRAWER INSTEAD  
  
ROZ What are you doing?  
  
DAPHNE  
We're currently in the middle of a battle. The unicorns versus the  
ugly African wooden crap.  
  
ROZ Do you want my honest opinion on this?  
  
DAPHNE Of course.  
  
ROZ Burn them both.  
  
DAPHNE If you don't mind I think I'll call that plan B.  
  
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES ALICE'S HAND MOVE TOWARDS HER NOSE  
  
ROZ Alice what are you doing?  
  
ALICE Nothing.  
  
ROZ Look at me.  
  
ALICE TURNS TO LOOK AT ROZ AND SHOWS HER THAT SHE HAS NOTHING IN HER NOSTRIL  
  
ROZ (CONT'D) Okay.  
  
DAPHNE What's the matter?  
  
ROZ She keeps putting things up her nose.  
  
ALICE I want to go to Mommy's doctor. He has a pony.  
  
DAPHNE A pony?  
  
ROZ Gynaecologist.  
  
DAPHNE  
Trust me Alice you don't want to go there until it's absolutely  
necessary. I've been beginning to wonder do you think they specify on  
the job application forms that the doctors have got to have poor  
circulation and therefore freezing cold hands before they can practice  
as a gynaecologist?  
  
ROZ  
Tell me about it. If I ever wanted my eggs frozen all I'd have to do  
is let my guy touch me.  
  
NILES ENTERS CARRYING ONE LAST BOX FROM THE CAR AND SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS FOOT  
  
NILES What are you two talking about?  
  
ROZ Gynaecologists.  
  
NILES Suddenly I'm relieved I missed that conversation.  
  
NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE DINNING TABLE  
  
ROZ  
I doubt you'd have been able to add much even though you can be a big  
girl sometimes.  
  
NILES It's always a pleasure having you around Roz.  
  
ALICE THEN GOES TO PUT A BARBIE SHOE UP HER NOSE BUT NILES IMMEDIATELY SEES HER AND TAKES IT OFF HER  
  
NILES (CONT'D) No Alice honey.  
  
ROZ  
Oh my God. Thank you Niles. A second later and that would have been  
another trip to the hospital.  
  
DAPHNE  
You know Frasier's got a new pair of tongs that would probably solve  
your problem.  
  
ROZ Really?  
  
DAPHNE  
Yeah. If it happens again you'll be able to have that out in a jiffy.  
Right but now onto the matter at hand. Where can this go?  
  
DAPHNE PULLS OUT THE YELLOW CLOCK, THAT FRASIER FOUND IN THE DAPHNE'S ROOM EPISODE, FROM A BOX. NILES LOOKS AT IT A LITTLE HORRIFIED  
  
NILES Back in it's box?  
  
DAPHNE Grammy Moon gave me this.  
  
NILES Its inscribed 'To Linda'.  
  
DAPHNE  
She wasn't quite all there towards the end. She used to call Simon,  
Patsy, water the living room carpet and talk to a pot plant.  
  
NILES  
Well it obviously has so many memories for you how can we not put it  
on display in the living room?  
  
ROZ  
Why is this taking so long? You have plenty of room in this house. You  
could have had someone secretly squatting in here for the last four  
years and you wouldn't have noticed them.  
  
NILES Well I guess that would explain why my plants keep moving.  
  
ROZ Can't you just have a unicorn room?  
  
NILES We've solved the unicorn problem.  
  
DAPHNE I've put most of them in the bedroom.  
  
NILES And I've been suffering from insomnia ever since.  
  
DAPHNE You've slept in the same room as them before.  
  
NILES  
Yes but that was before I realised that they were actually possessed.  
  
DAPHNE  
The important thing is that we've reached a compromise about them.  
This could have ended in a full-scale war but we haven't let it come  
to that.  
  
ROZ Yeah but the joys of a fight is the make-up sex afterwards.  
  
NILES AND DAPHNE SUDDENLY START TO STARE AT EACH OTHER  
  
NILES And now we've missed out on that.  
  
DAPHNE You're right. I never thought of that.  
  
A BEAT  
  
ROZ SUDDENLY BECOMES AWARE THAT SHE'S ABOUT TO BE A THIRD WHEEL  
  
NILES (CALM) I don't want those unicorns in the bedroom.  
  
DAPHNE Well I do.  
  
NILES HUGS HER  
  
NILES I'm so sorry sweetheart I was out of line.  
  
DAPHNE Me too.  
  
NILES Bye Roz. Bye Alice.  
  
ROZ TAKES THE HINT, SCOOPS UP ALICE AND HEADS FOR THE FRONT DOOR  
  
ROZ Oh jeez.  
  
AS ROZ AND ALICE EXIT, NILES AND DAPHNE KISS AND WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(E)  
  
TITLE CARD: "STIFF COMPETITION"  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/4  
  
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Kenneth, Martin, Roz, Alice, John, Margery, June, Eddie, Party Guests)  
  
THE ROOM HAS BEEN SET UP FOR A SOPHISTICATED EVENING. THERE ARE CANDLES AND FLOWERS EVERYWHERE ALONG WITH A BAR IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION. THE ROOM IS NEARLY FULL OF PARTY GUESTS ALL DRESSED IN THEIR FINEST. NILES AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE BAR AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALLOWS A COUPLE, KENNETH AND JUNE TO ENTER. MARGERY IS ALREADY AT THE PARTY TALKING TO ANOTHER GUEST AS EDDIE LIES ASLEEP ON MARTIN'S COVERED OVER CHAIR. ANOTHER GUEST, JOHN, AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.  
  
FRASIER Kenneth and June welcome.  
  
DAPHNE  
How long do we have to stay here? One of the swans attacked me in the  
kitchen and I had no idea how tiring it was making small talk with  
small-minded people.  
  
NILES  
I promised Frasier we'd help woo this crowd. And after that one  
particular swan, that seems to have some sort of serious anger  
management problem, nearly had Margery Von Hassleberger's eye out he  
can use all the help he can get.  
  
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO NILES AND DAPHNE  
  
FRASIER  
(WITHOUT PAUSING FOR BREATHE OR AN ANSWER) Hi guys. Having fun? That's  
great. Daphne I need you. Would you come and have a quick talk with  
John Ellis again.  
  
DAPHNE  
Is he the chap with the wondering eye and the even more wondering  
hands?  
  
FRASIER  
That's him. And don't worry he's like it with everyone which is  
probably why he's been sued more times then the National Enquirer.  
  
NILES  
He's got quite a pinch on him for a senior citizen. I always thought  
he was arthritic. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit long enough to  
drive home.  
  
AS NILES PULLS A PAINED EXPRESSION DAPHNE RUBS HIS BEHIND  
  
DAPHNE  
Why do I have to talk to him? Can't you fob someone else off onto him?  
Someone who doesn't bruise as easily?  
  
FRASIER He likes the English accent.  
  
DAPHNE And? What do you want me to say to him?  
  
FRASIER  
Who cares? You can say whatever you like to him. As long as it's in an  
English accent he'll think its Shakespeare.  
  
DAPHNE  
Fine I'll talk to the miserable old git but if he cups any part of my  
anatomy I'm going to punch his lights out.  
  
FRASIER Okay say anything but that.  
  
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO TALK TO JOHN A LITTLE RELUCTANTLY  
  
NILES Is there anything I can do?  
  
FRASIER  
I think one of the swans may have had a little bowel trouble in the  
kitchen.  
  
NILES That's great but what does it have to do with me?  
  
FRASIER I need it cleaned up.  
  
NILES  
I said I'll come here and woo your guests not be a nanny to an  
incontinent swan.  
  
FRASIER Fine but just don't let anyone in the kitchen.  
  
BEFORE NILES CAN MOVE KENNETH APPROACHES THEM  
  
KENNETH You've certainly done all you can to impress the board Crane.  
  
FRASIER Well I like to do what I can.  
  
KENNETH  
If it was up to me, you'd be in but Margery has the deciding vote. And  
since you so rightly said that her daughter sounded like a cat in  
heat...  
  
MARGERY APPROACHES AND LISTENS TO THE CONVERSATION UNBEKNOWNST TO FRASIER  
  
FRASIER  
If I may correct you Kenneth, I said nothing of the sort. Her daughter  
has a lovely voice. I merely said that she'd have to be strapped to a  
rocket to reach any sort of high note. (SEEING MARGERY) Margery! How's  
your eye?  
  
MARGERY GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE WALKING AWAY  
  
NILES I don't think it's going too well.  
  
FRASIER Yes thank you Niles.  
  
DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THEM  
  
DAPHNE  
Your old fella wants a cup of coffee. Can you ask if anyone else wants  
one while I make them?  
  
FRASIER Yes of course Daphne.  
  
NILES I'll help you.  
  
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
NILES PUTS SOME COFFEE CUPS ON THE ISLAND AS DAPHNE TAKES A POT OF COFFEE OFF THE MACHINE. MARTIN ENTERS DRESSED IN A VERY SMART SUIT. THERE ARE THREE SWANS IN COSTUME TO THE RIGHT OF THE ISLAND IN A METAL TUB FULL OF WATER  
  
DAPHNE  
(TO MARTIN) Well hey there good looking. What are you dressed up like  
the dog's dinner for?  
  
MARTIN I have a date.  
  
NILES Ah with this mystery woman.  
  
DAPHNE  
She's not so much of a mystery anymore. Roz and Frasier saw them  
together in Nervosa the other day.  
  
MARTIN And is it a crime to have coffee with a woman now?  
  
FRASIER ENTERS  
  
FRASIER  
Can you make six cups please Daphne? Niles I could use some help out  
here.  
  
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT. DURING THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION DAPHNE STARTS TO POUR THE COFFEE BEFORE PUTTING THE CUPS ON A TRAY WITH A BOWL OF SUGAR AND A JUG OF CREAM  
  
DAPHNE  
Sure. There's no need to get all defensive about it. It's none of my  
business. But someone has put that spring back in your step these last  
few weeks, I'd just like to say hello to her that's all.  
  
MARTIN I have a small confession to make about her.  
  
DAPHNE She doesn't exist?  
  
MARTIN Of course she exists. She's just a little younger then I am.  
  
DAPHNE And? Maureen was younger then you were.  
  
MARTIN  
Yeah I know that but I'm older now. She should be off dating lawyers  
or doctors not a retired cop with a bad hip. I'm no spring chicken  
anymore. I worry...what if I can't...you know?  
  
DAPHNE What? Rise to the occasion?  
  
MARTIN Keep your voice down!  
  
DAPHNE  
Oh don't worry about it I won't tell the boys. You know if you're that  
concerned about it there are pills you can take that can help you in  
this area.  
  
MARTIN I know.  
  
MARTIN PULLS A HANDKERCHIEF FROM OUT OF HIS POCKET AND UNWRAPS IT. BUNDLED UP INSIDE ARE A HANDFUL OF VIAGRA TABLETS  
  
DAPHNE Where did you get those?  
  
DAPHNE TAKES THEM OFF HIM TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK  
  
MARTIN  
I know a guy. I was a cop. I can get you pretty much anything. But now  
I've got them I'm a little unsure of what to do.  
  
DAPHNE Well if you want my advice...  
  
FRASIER (OFF STAGE) Daphne, are those coffee's done?  
  
IN A PANIC DAPHNE PUTS ALL OF THE TABLETS IN THE NEAREST CUP OF COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS.  
  
DAPHNE Erm...no.  
  
FRASIER Well they look done.  
  
DAPHNE But they're not.  
  
FRASIER PICKS UP THE TRAY  
  
FRASIER  
What's the matter with you two? You look as white as a couple of  
ghosts. I'm the one with the position on the opera board on the line.  
For God's sake have a stiff one and relax.  
  
FRASIER EXITS AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN BOTH CRINGE  
  
DAPHNE Oh my God!  
  
MARTIN Which cup did it go in?  
  
DAPHNE I don't know.  
  
DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
FRASIER PLACES THE TRAY OF COFFEE ON THE BAR AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER  
  
MARTIN What do we do now?  
  
DAPHNE  
We need to get that coffee before anyone drinks it. (SUDDENLY SHOUTS)  
Niles!  
  
NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM  
  
NILES Yes honey?  
  
DAPHNE Do you love me?  
  
NILES  
Of course I do. You know that. What kind of question is that to ask  
me?  
  
DAPHNE  
Then you'll do anything I ask without question. Go out there and drink  
that coffee before anyone else does.  
  
NILES What?  
  
DAPHNE If you love me you'll do it.  
  
NILES  
Well it seems a strange test of a relationship but okay.  
  
NILES WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND TAKES A CUP OF COFFEE OFF A GUEST BEFORE THEY CAN DRINK IT  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Excuse me. I'll take that.  
  
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?  
  
NILES I need the caffeine.  
  
NILES BEGINS TO GULP DOWN THE COFFEE DESPITE IT BEING BOILING HOT  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Hot coffee! Have no feeling in mouth.  
  
ANOTHER GUESTS TRIES TO PICK UP A CUP BUT NILES STOPS THEM  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Back away that ones mine as well.  
  
SFX: DOORBELL  
  
AS FRASIER STARES AT NILES CONCERNED HE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ROZ ENTERS CARRYING ALICE WHO HAS HER FACE TURNED AWAY FROM FRASIER  
  
FRASIER Roz what are you doing here?  
  
ROZ Take one guess.  
  
ALICE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL THAT SHE HAS A MARBLE STUCK UP HER NOSTRIL  
  
ALICE Hello Uncle Frasier.  
  
FRASIER Ah.  
  
ROZ  
Daphne said you had something that would get it out so I didn't have  
to go to the hospital. Can we come in?  
  
FRASIER  
I guess so but hurry. I'm having enough trouble impressing these  
people as it is without parading children with marbles stuck up their  
nostrils through my living room.  
  
ROZ AND ALICE CROSS OVER TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN AT THE SAME TIME THAT NILES DOES, WHO LOOKS IN AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF PAIN  
  
NILES  
Okay I've drunk it all and I now have so many blisters in my mouth I  
feel like a sheep with foot and mouth disease.  
  
DAPHNE  
There's still one left. John has one. Quick get over there before he  
drinks it.  
  
NILES Does it really matter?  
  
DAPHNE If you love me.  
  
NILES RUSHES OVER TO JOHN AND SNATCHES HIS CUP OF COFFEE JUST BEFORE HE IS ABOUT TO DRINK IT AND KNOCKS IT BACK IN ONE  
  
JOHN What's going on Crane?  
  
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?  
  
NILES I need the coffee right now. I'll make you another.  
  
ROZ (TO DAPHNE) What's going on?  
  
DAPHNE I'll tell you in a moment.  
  
NILES There I'm done. Does that prove I love you?  
  
DAPHNE  
Yes thank you sweetheart. I'll never question your love again. Now go  
and sit down and chew on this ice.  
  
DAPHNE HANDS NILES A CUP OF ICE FROM THE BAR. AS NILES SITS DOWN ON THE PIANO STOOL DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN  
RESET TO:  
  
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
  
DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE ENTER  
  
ROZ  
Okay what's happening? This is bizarre even for one of Frasier's  
parties.  
  
DAPHNE Can I tell her?  
  
MARTIN Sure everyone is likely to find out soon anyway.  
  
ROZ Find out what?  
  
DAPHNE You know his new girlfriend?  
  
ROZ Yeah I saw her. She's gorgeous Marty.  
  
MARTIN  
Yeah that's the problem. I was a little nervous about you know stuff.  
So I got a couple of pills.  
  
ROZ Pills? Pills? Ah...pills. I'm with you.  
  
DAPHNE Which accidentally got put in one of the cups of coffee.  
  
ROZ  
And now it's the game of watching and seeing who got the cup? Well  
this should be fun. (LOOKS OUT THE DOOR) I put twenty bucks on the old  
guy with the toupee.  
  
MARTIN No we know who got it.  
  
DAPHNE I made Niles drink it all before anyone else did.  
  
ROZ You're kidding?! Does he know what was in it?  
  
DAPHNE  
No he doesn't but I think he's about to. Does anyone know how quickly  
that stuff works?  
  
ROZ How many pills were in there?  
  
MARTIN Nine.  
  
DAPHNE Nine!?!  
  
ROZ Nine?  
  
ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY  
  
DAPHNE All right stop laughing. This is not helping the situation.  
  
ROZ  
From past experience I'd say he's going to have a very big reaction if  
you know what I mean. And fast.  
  
MARTIN Past experience?  
  
ROZ Sure I used to know Senator Adler.  
  
DAPHNE Well what do we do now?  
  
ROZ Do I have to explain the birds and the bees to you Daphne?  
  
DAPHNE Oh my God!  
  
DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS  
  
MARTIN What are you doing here anyway Roz?  
  
ALICE I got a marble stuck.  
  
DAPHNE You put her on the counter I'll get the tongs.  
  
ROZ PUTS ALICE ON THE COUNTER AS DAPHNE GETS SOME TONGS OUT OF THE DRAWER. SHE THEN TRIES TO PULL THE MARBLE OUT AS FRASIER ENTERS  
  
FRASIER What are you doing?  
  
DAPHNE I'm trying to extract her brain.  
  
ROZ  
(TO ALICE) You're so brave. Look Uncle Frasier may not have a pony but  
he has swans. So will you please stop doing this now? Otherwise  
Mommy's going to go insane and you'll have to live with your scary  
Grandma. And remember how much her moustache used to frighten you?  
It's grown in a little more since then.  
  
MARTIN It's not budging. You need to pull harder.  
  
FRASIER TAKES THE TONGS OFF DAPHNE AND TRIES HIMSELF  
  
FRASIER Here let me try. And I've got it.  
  
FRASIER FINALLY PULLS IT OUT BUT THE FORCE OF IT MAKES THE MARBLE FLY OUT OF THE ROOM  
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
  
WE FOLLOW THE MARBLE AS IT FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM AND LANDS RIGHT IN MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE JUST AS FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ALICE ENTER. MARGERY DOESN'T NOTICE AND CONTINUES TALKING  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Where did it go?  
  
ROZ POINTS TOWARDS MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE  
  
FRASIER (CONT'D) Oh good Lord!  
  
MARTIN Do you want my fishing pole?  
  
FRASIER I think I need a sedative.  
  
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO MARGERY AS NILES BEGINS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT. HE SUDDENLY STARTS TO LEARN FORWARD ONTO THE PIANO COVERING HIS LAP FROM VIEW  
  
NILES (CALLS) Daphne. Can I speak to you please?  
  
DAPHNE Here we go.  
  
ROZ I've got to come. This is too much fun to miss.  
  
DAPHNE AND ROZ WALK OVER TO NILES, DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY BUT ROZ HAS A CERTAIN SPRING IN HER STEP  
  
DAPHNE Yes honey?  
  
NILES I seem to be having a rather odd reaction to the coffee.  
  
DAPHNE I thought you might be.  
  
NILES Is there any particular reason for this?  
  
DAPHNE Yes there is.  
  
NILES Would you care to share it with me?  
  
DAPHNE There may have been a few Viagra tablets in one of the cups.  
  
NILES A few?  
  
DAPHNE All right nine.  
  
NILES' EYES WIDEN AS HE DIGESTS THIS INFORMATION  
  
NILES Why?  
  
DAPHNE  
Your father was a bit nervous about his new girlfriend and wanted to  
help the situation.  
  
NILES  
You know what's alarming? Even that disturbing picture that has just  
been thrusted to my head, still hasn't made this problem budge. And  
now I'm stuck here for the rest of the night until the party has  
finished.  
  
ROZ BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY  
  
NILES (CONT'D)  
I'm so glad to see you find this so amusing Roz.  
  
ROZ But just think of all the fun you'll have later.  
  
NILES Yes but that's not making it go away right now.  
  
ROZ  
Oh Niles lighten up, stop being such a stiff.  
  
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH TRY TO HIDE THEIR LAUGHTER  
  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
Sorry. Can't you just cover it?  
  
NILES I've had nine tablets. This piano is barely covering it.  
  
ROZ Then I think you're stuck here until the party is over.  
  
NILES I can't stay here for the whole party.  
  
ROZ  
Then I'd better warn everyone that you might have their eyes out.  
  
NILES Roz!  
  
ROZ I'm sorry Niles I'm just trying to get a rise out of you.  
  
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO LAUGH AGAIN  
  
DAPHNE A rise out of you, that's a good one.  
  
NILES This is all very amusing but what am I going to do?  
  
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE  
  
ROZ Oooh finger foods.  
  
ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE TABLE AND DAPHNE GOES TO FOLLOW HER  
  
NILES (DESPERATE) Daphne don't leave me.  
  
DAPHNE  
I've just got to go and make some more coffee and then I'll be back.  
Just don't move until I'm back.  
  
AS DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN WE FOCUS ON MARGERY WHO IS TALKING TO KENNETH. FRASIER IS HOVERING NEAR BY TRYING TO SEE THE MARBLE  
  
MARGERY  
She's a wonderful talent. That is clear to see. The director wasn't  
even aware that she was my daughter when he cast her.  
  
KENNETH  
Oh yes because there are so many Von Hassleberger's in the Seattle  
area. It's such a common name.  
  
FRASIER BEGINS TO STARE QUITE CLEARLY AT MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE  
  
MARGERY Quite. (TO FRASIER) What are you doing?  
  
FRASIER Nothing.  
  
MARGERY Were you trying to look down my dress?  
  
FRASIER Of course not I was merely admiring your broach.  
  
MARGERY I'm not wearing a broach.  
  
FRASIER  
I meant June's broach. I have a lazy eye. From one minute to the next  
I don't know who it's looking at.  
  
AS MARGERY TRIES TO COVER HERSELF UP WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES WHO IS STILL STUCK AT THE PIANO AND JOHN WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM  
  
JOHN Got enough coffee now Crane?  
  
NILES Yes thank you John.  
  
JOHN  
I hate these things. I don't see why we can't just vote and get it  
over and done with so I can go home.  
  
NILES I couldn't agree more.  
  
JOHN LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLOOR WHICH CAUSES HIS TOUPEE TO FALL OFF AND LAND AT HIS FEET  
  
JOHN Oh damn.  
  
NILES There's no need to be embarrassed.  
  
JOHN  
I'm not Crane. I get embarrassed when it lands in the soup. Would you  
mind?  
  
JOHN INDICATES TO NILES TO PICK IT UP  
  
NILES I'd rather not.  
  
JOHN  
It doesn't have fleas Crane. Now save an old mans back and pass it  
here will you.  
  
NILES OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT MOVE SO INSTEAD STRETCHES AS FAR AS HE CAN AND MANAGES TO JUST PUT HIS FINGER TIPS ON THE TOUPEE  
  
NILES Oh all right. Here you go.  
  
NILES FLICKS THE TOUPEE UP IN THE AIR ONLY FOR IT TO LAND ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NEXT TO EDDIE  
  
NILES (CONT'D) Oh no Eddie.  
  
EDDIE THEN BEGINS TO BITE AND TARE THE TOUPEE AS MARTIN RUSHES OVER TO HIM TO TRY TO GET IT OFF HIM  
  
MARTIN  
Eddie give that here! Drop it! What the hell is this? Have you been  
digging in Frasier's shower drain again?  
  
EDDIE LETS GO  
  
JOHN That's mine!  
  
JOHN SNATCHES THE TOUPEE OFF MARTIN AND PUTS IT BACK ON HIS HEAD  
  
MARTIN Sorry.  
  
AS DAPHNE ENTERS AGAIN AND GOES TO SIT WITH NILES WE FOCUS IN ON FRASIER TALKING TO ROZ  
  
FRASIER How do I get that back?  
  
ROZ  
You're going to have to put your hand down there and yank it out.  
  
FRASIER And you don't think she'll notice that?  
  
ROZ  
I didn't say she wouldn't notice it. I said that's what you've got to  
do.  
  
FRASIER And how do you suggest I do that?  
  
ROZ  
Well normally I'd suggest dinner and movie but since you don't have  
time for that, distract her.  
  
FRASIER Distract her how? Ooh look at that man eating bear?  
  
ROZ More like ooh look at the man who's had nine Viagra tablets.  
  
FRASIER What?  
  
ROZ  
Never mind just do it. I know try dropping something else down there.  
I'll tell you what, I'll do it.  
  
ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS MARGERY  
  
FRASIER No Roz wait.  
  
ROZ WALKS INTO MARGERY SPILLING HER DRINK ALL OVER HER AND SENDING ALL OF THE ICE CUBES DOWN HER CLEAVAGE  
  
ROZ Oops sorry.  
  
FRASIER I'm so sorry Margery. Here let me get that.  
  
FRASIER MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO RETRIEVE THE ICE CUBES AND THE MARBLE  
  
MARGERY No that's fine Frasier.  
  
FRASIER No really I'm...  
  
MARGERY YANKS FRASIER'S HAND AWAY FROM HER AS EVERYONE QUIETENS DOWN TO LISTEN TO WHAT'S HAPPENING  
  
MARGERY  
Frasier! You needn't think that groping me is going to help you get a  
seat on the board. On top of what you've said about my daughter and  
the damage that swan has done to my cornea I wouldn't cancel my  
subscription just yet. So would you please remove your hand from my  
cleavage!  
  
FRASIER I'm sorry!  
  
MARGERY I'm leaving. Come on Kenneth, June.  
  
ALL OF THE PARTY GUESTS START TO LEAVE  
  
KENNETH Nice talking to you Crane.  
  
AS MARGERY REACHES FRONT DOOR SHE TURNS TO NILES  
  
MARGERY  
Oh Niles. We've still got a vacated seat on the opera board to fill.  
Would you like to join us all for a drink?  
  
NILES  
(TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN) I'm going to kill you. Sorry Margery but I have  
other plans.  
  
MARGERY Suit yourself.  
  
MARGERY EXITS CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER  
  
FRASIER What plans?  
  
NILES Pouring ice cubes down my pants.  
  
AS FRASIER GIVES THEM A PUZZLED LOOK WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT TWO  
  
CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER'S APARTMENT IS DARK UNTIL SUDDENLY HE APPEARS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND GRUMPILY PUTS THE LIGHT ON. AFTER HE ADJUSTS HIS EYES TO THE LIGHT HE MARCHES OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PULLS IT OPEN TO REVEAL ROZ HOLDING ALICE WHO HAS SOMETHING STUCK UP HER NOSE YET AGAIN. FRASIER GLARES AT THEM BOTH FOR A WHILE AS ROZ APOLOGISES. FRASIER THEN REACHES OVER TO THE UNIT BY THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE PAIR OF TONGS WRAPPED IN A BIG RED BOW. HE HANDS IT TO ROZ BEFORE SHUTTING THE DOOR AND MAKING HIS WAY BACK TO BED. 


	4. A Place In The Sun?

I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

This episode is based on many family holidays that I've been on since about the age of six to last summer.

Enjoy...

Frasier

Alternative Season Nine Episode Four

A Place In The Sun?

By

Kelly-Simba

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL USE COASTERS IF I WANT TO"

FADE IN:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY – NIGHT – DAY/1 

(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Alice, Roz, Frank, Hank, Michael, Carl, Brian, Hal)

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE ALL STANDING WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR BY THE DOORS IN THE LOBBY. ALL THREE LOOK DRESSED FOR AN EVENING OUT

NILES

(PRETENDING TO BE OVERLY APOLOGETIC) I'm so sorry about this Dad. I can't believe I left my wallet here. I don't deserve to have one if I can't take care of it. How will I be able to take care of a baby if I can't take care of a wallet?

NILES SLAPS HIS HAND

NILES (CONT'D)

Stupid Niles. (SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Am I over playing it?

DAPHNE

(SOTTO TO NILES) Oh just a tad. You're putting the ham back into Hamlet.

NILES

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Okay sweetheart, point taken.

MARTIN

Yeah what's even more amazing is that you managed to leave your wallet in the living room when you haven't even been here today.

NILES

Well...(STRUGGLING FOR AN ANSWER) I must have left it here yesterday.

MARTIN

You didn't come here yesterday either.

NILES

Then it must have been the day before.

MARTIN

You've been without your wallet for three days and didn't notice? What have you done for money? You're not that well dressed mugger I've seen on the news are you?

NILES

Well...I...(DEFENSIVE) what is this twenty questions?

DAPHNE

I brought it here yesterday.

MARTIN

Why?

DAPHNE

Because...because...just because. Don't question me.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AS NILES AND DAPHNE GO TO STEP ON BUT MARTIN STAYS WHERE HE IS

MARTIN

I'll wait here while you go and get it.

NILES

(PLEADING) Oh no come up with us.

MARTIN

What for?

NILES

What for? That's a very good question. (PAUSE) Daphne?

DAPHNE

Yes?

NILES

Why does Dad need to come up to the apartment?

DAPHNE

That is a very good question indeed and one that I'll answer when we get up there. So go on. After you old man.

MARTIN SIGHS BEFORE GETTING INTO THE ELEVATOR

NILES

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Well this is going well so far don't you think?

DAPHNE

(SOTTO TO NILES) Have you been drinking?

MARTIN

Well are you getting in or not?

NILES

Of course.

NILES AND DAPHNE STEP ONTO THE ELEVATOR BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS 

MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT GOING UP

MARTIN

So where are we going for dinner?

NILES / DAPHNE

(AT ONCE) The Timber Mill / Chez Henry.

NILES AND DAPHNE STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT AS MARTIN LOOKS ON A LITTLE CONFUSED

NILES

We're going to both. They've merged. It's now called Chez Mill. Its two star food served at five star prices. If you finish the 50-ounce Lobster En Cruet with all the fixin's you get a free desert. 

DAPHNE

But does it really matter where we go? Just as long as we're altogether to celebrate your birthday.

MARTIN

I guess.

NILES

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Nice save. 

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN STEP OUT

RESET TO:

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR

NILES (CONT'D)

(SHOUTS) Well here we are!

MARTIN

What are you shouting for?

NILES GETS HIS KEYS OUT OF HIS POCKET

NILES

(SHOUTS) Was I shouting! I hadn't realised that I was shouting because we'd just arrived outside my brother's front door with my father!

DAPHNE

Don't worry about it. I think its Tourette's Syndrome. He's been doing it a lot recently. We nearly got thrown out of the movies last week.

NILES OPENS FRASIER'S FRONT DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE ALONG WITH DAPHNE AND MARTIN

RESET TO:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS 

NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER INTO A PITCH BLACK LIVING ROOM. SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS ARE SWITCHED ON TO REVEAL THE ROOM FULL OF MARTIN'S FRIENDS ALONG WITH FRASIER, ROZ AND ALICE. THE ROOM IS FULL OF BALLOONS AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY BANNER.

EVERYONE

Surprise!

MARTIN DOESN'T LOOK TOO SURPRISED

FRASIER

Happy Birthday Dad!

FRASIER AND MARTIN HUG

MARTIN

Thanks son. (DEADPAN TO NILES AND DAPHNE) Wow, what a surprise. I'd never have guessed that something was going on. How did I not realise you two were tricking me into coming up here?

DAPHNE

Oh all right so you were on to us old man, don't rub it in.

NILES

When did you guess?

MARTIN

Probably when I saw all the party food arrive this afternoon.

NILES

You could have said something to us.

NILES TAKES MARTIN AND DAPHNE'S COATS AND HANGS THEM ALL UP ON THE COAT PEG

MARTIN

Yeah but it was too much fun watching you two make idiots of yourselves all evening. Oh and Niles next time you pretend to loose your wallet don't take it out to pay the cab driver.

NILES LOOKS DEPRESSED AS DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER AND RUBS IT. ALICE WALKS OVER TO MARTIN AND HANDS HIM A COLOURFUL, HOME MADE CARD

ALICE

Happy Birthday Uncle Martin.

MARTIN

Thank you sweetheart. What a great card. Did you make this yourself? 

ROZ

Yes she did and now Mommy has the fun task of spending all day tomorrow picking glitter off the dog and Mrs. Hopkins cats. 

FRASIER

Twinkles?

ROZ

She certainly does now. Happy Birthday Martin.

ROZ AND MARTIN HUG BEFORE SHE GOES TO GET A DRINK AND FRANK COMES OVER TO THEM

FRANK

Marty. Come here. Happy Birthday.

MARTIN AND FRANK HUG

MARTIN

Hi Frank. Thanks for coming. Wow it looks like virtually the whole precinct is here tonight.

FRANK

All we need is a pot of week old coffee, that strange smell coming from the air conditioning, a couple of busted hookers and that guy who sits outside and talks to his hand to complete the picture.

MARTIN

Hey then we've got a party!

FRASIER

Which raises an interesting point. Just out of curiosity since the precinct has relocated itself to my living room, which Cops are actually safe guarding the city tonight?

FRANK PUTS HIS ARM AROUND FRASIER

FRANK

Think of it this way Frasier, you'll never be safer then you are right now.

FRASIER

And isn't that reassuring. Dad listen I know you've only just arrived and this is your birthday party after all but if you could help regulate our guests a little I'd appreciate it.

MARTIN

How do you mean?

FRASIER

Coasters and ashtrays. 

MARTIN TAPS A GLASS TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION

MARTIN

Okay everyone listen up for just a second. Frasier wants me to remind you that there are coasters as ashtrays that he's provided. And enjoy the party.

FRASIER

I meant coasters and ashtrays not coasters as ashtrays!

ROZ STARTS TO LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM BEFORE APPROACHING MARTIN

ROZ

Marty before I try to get handcuffed to any of these guys to get myself a date, which ones are married?

MARTIN

Everyone but Lucy over there.

ROZ

Okay happily married?

MARTIN

Everyone but Judy and Hank.

ROZ

Which ones Hank?

HANK, A RATHER LARGE SWEATY MAN, ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WAFTING HIS HAND BEHIND HIM

HANK

No one go in the can for at least an hour. Oh man I think that meat sandwich I had for lunch may have been a little bad.

FRANK

I told you not to eat anything just labelled 'meat'. That could have been anything, squirrel, cat and don't forget Mr. Wong lost an arm not so long ago.

ROZ

So Lucy's not married huh?

WE FOCUS IN ON A GROUP OF COPS STANDING BY THE ISLAND, MICHAEL, CARL AND BRIAN. AS THEY TALK FRASIER LISTENS

MICHAEL

I had to have twelve stitches on the back of my head. Until my hair grew back it looked as if I was smiling at everyone.

CARL

That's nothing. This guy came after me with a crowbar. If that had hit me who knows what would have happened.

MICHAEL

It did hit you. You spent six weeks in the hospital eating through a straw and clucking like a chicken.

CARL

You know I have no memory of that.

FRASIER

(TRYING TO BE ONE OF THE GUYS) I suffered a nasty sports related injury once. I was diving to save a point during a game of squash in very acrobatic style when the ball zipped up into the air and hit me right between the eyes. Although the bruise never did make it's way to the surface, it was quite tender for a number of hours.

THEY ALL STARE AT FRASIER

A BEAT

BRIAN

I was training to run the New York marathon. I tripped and broke my leg in three places. By the time I'd crawled to a pay phone to call an ambulance the bone was sticking through my skin.

FRASIER

Ah well I'll just be over there.

AS FRASIER MOVES AWAY WE FOCUS ON FRANK AND HANK WHO ARE TALKING TO DAPHNE AND NILES

FRANK

(TO DAPHNE) Hey there good looking. 

FRANK AND DAPHNE HUG BEFORE HE SHAKES HANDS WITH NILES

FRANK (CONT'D)

Niles buddy. You're old man tells us you two kids finally tied the knot. That's great.

NILES

Yes we did. Thank you.

FRANK

How was the honeymoon? Rumour tells it that you pulled your groin. You sly old dog you.

NILES

Yes I did carrying Daphne over the threshold. 

FRANK

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

NILES

(TO DAPHNE) I should have left out that part shouldn't I?

DAPHNE

You'll know better next time.

FRANK

Marty tells me that you've scored one for all the boys as well. Congratulations. 

NILES

Excuse me?

FRANK

One of your boys made it through.

NILES

I don't have any boys.

DAPHNE

He means I'm pregnant.

NILES

(TRYING TO BE MANLY) Oh yes I have. I've scored one for the boys.

FRANK

We're so proud of you Niles. Not everyone can manage it. Hank here has been trying for twelve years and he's still firing blanks.

HANK

It might help if I actually slept with her. (THEN) You don't think you could help me out at all Niles?

NILES

As tempting as that sounds I'm going to have to decline.

FRANK

You surprised us Niles we didn't think you had it in you.

NILES

Thanks. That's really boosted my confidence level.

HANK

Marty's told us how you throw we didn't think you would be able to do any better in this area.

DAPHNE

I'll have you know he does just fine.

NILES

(A LITTLE ALARMED) Just fine?

HANK

Hey you didn't hyperventilate when she told you did you?

NILES

No but I think I'm about to now.

FRANK PUTS HIS ARM AROUND NILES' SHOULDERS

FRANK

Today my son you are a man and no one can take that away from you. There is no prouder moment for a man then when he can look himself in the mirror and say, "I knocked up my broad." Treasure that feeling. 

NILES

And I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of the club as long as this initiation procedure doesn't have some fraternity bra wearing, bush setting on fire quality to it. (TO DAPHNE) Just fine?

DAPHNE

Here we go.

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON THE COPS BY THE ISLAND. NOW ROZ IS TALKING TO A GUY NAMED HAL. FRASIER RATHER NERVOUSLY WATCHES THEM

HAL

So I grabbed him and practically lifted him off the ground.

HAL DEMONSTRATES WHAT HAPPENS WHICH CAUSES HIM TO BUMP INTO THE ISLAND AND NEARLY KNOCKS SOMETHING OVER

FRASIER

Rare fertility God!

FRASIER PICKS UP THE STATUE AND CUDDLES IT

HAL

Then I pinned him up the wall and slapped the cuffs on him.

HAL ONCE AGAIN NEARLY KNOCKS SOMETHING ELSE OFF THE ISLAND

FRASIER

Antique! Antique!

FRASIER PICKS UP ANOTHER STATUE

ROZ

Wow! Who knew under that shirt you had so much muscle? Do you have any other stories like that?

FRASIER

Roz can I speak to you for a moment. 

FRASIER LEADS ROZ OVER TO THE FIREPLACE STILL HOLDING HIS STATUES 

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Stop encouraging these men to be violent!

ROZ

What did I do? You're in a room full of cops. They're hardly going to have stories about kittens or fairy's. Listen Frasier you've got to calm down before that vein in your forehead bursts again.

ANOTHER GUY WALKS PAST AND PUTS A BEER CAN IN THE CHIHULLI

FRASIER

My Chihulli! Do you mind! That is not a trashcan! 

FRASIER REMOVES THE CAN AND HANDS IT TO A MAN

ROZ

Oh who can tell the difference? It looked like crap before. Just relax. How about you give your Dad his present?

FRASIER

That's not a bad idea actually Roz. 

FRASIER GOES TO HAND ROZ HIS STATUES

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Here hold these and note that if you drop them I'm holding your daughter as collateral until you've paid for the damage. 

ROZ

Fine but just so that you know, she has a habit of putting the food she doesn't want in her pockets and nearby plant pots and drawing on the walls in magic marker. 

FRASIER TAKES HIS STATUES BACK AGAIN AND PUTS THEM ON HIS EMS CHAIR

FRASIER

Give them here. 

EDDIE COMES RUNNING OVER AND TRIES TO JUMP ON THE CHAIR

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Don't even think about it. 

FRASIER TAKES AN ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET AND WALKS OVER TO MARTIN BY THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE COUCH. HE IS SOON JOINED BY ROZ, NILES AND DAPHNE

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Dad. Here you go. Happy Birthday.

MARTIN

What's this?

FRASIER HANDS MARTIN THE ENVELOPE

FRASIER

This year to stop the endless one-up-man's-ship between Niles and I...

NILES

You started it.

FRASIER

I did not.

NILES

Did to.

FRASIER

I most certainly did not.

ROZ

Frasier!

FRASIER

Oh right. We decided to chip in together this year on your present. This is from all three of us.

MARTIN OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND PRODUCES SOME AIRLINE TICKETS

MARTIN

Tickets?

FRASIER

Well you know how much you've always wanted to go back down to Florida to do some more fishing, well here's your chance. We came up with the idea after wine club and decided to book it before we sobered up and came to our senses. We leave on Friday for one week of sun, sea and sand.

MARTIN

Oh this is great! Thank you so much. All of you. But there are six tickets here.

ROZ

Alice and I are tagging along if you don't mind.

MARTIN

The more the merrier. This is fantastic. 

FRASIER

I'm glad you like it Dad. 

ROZ

Do you think this is actually such a good idea? The six of us cooped up together on a fishing trip. 

DAPHNE

I can't help but remember the holidays my family used to go on as a child. They'd be ten of us in one caravan in the middle of Wales. Well except when Dad used to disappear into the toilet with a newspaper, then we'd all run outside. Mum and I used to huddle around the fire while the boys tried to catch a sheep.

THEY ALL STARE AT DAPHNE FOR A MOMENT

FRASIER

As long as there's alcohol we'll be fine. Daphne a quick word in your ear.

FRASIER PULLS DAPHNE TO ONE SIDE

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

FRASIER

I thought I'd better prepare you now. I couldn't get us into first class on any airline so we're flying coach.

DAPHNE

That fine it doesn't bother me. 

FRASIER POINTS AT NILES WHO AT THAT MOMENT IS WIPING DOWN A SECTION OF THE COUCH WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF WHICH HANK HAS JUST BEEN SITTING ON BEFORE HE SITS DOWN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Ah. 

FRASIER

I thought I'd warn you in case you wanted to slip him a sedative before we get to the airport.

DAPHNE

Oh don't worry about it he'll be fine.

CUT TO:

(B)

INT. COACH COMPARTMENT OF AN AEROPLANE – DAY – DAY/2 

(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Stewardess, Man, Old Lady, Woman)

ON THE PLANE MARTIN SITS IN THE MIDDLE SECTION OF THE PLANE WITH AN A SLEEPING WOMAN SITTING ON HIS LEFT AND FRASIER ON HIS RIGHT. TO THE RIGHT OF THEM DAPHNE SITS ON THE ISLE NEXT TO NILES WHO IS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS SEAT. NEXT TO NILES IS AN EMPTY SEAT BY THE WINDOW

DAPHNE

Niles honey if you don't sit still and calm down I'm going to have to strangle you!

NILES

What part of that was supposed to calm me down?

DAPHNE

Honey?

NILES

I'm beginning to feel claustrophobic. These seats are smaller then the ones on a public bus. But without the safety features.

DAPHNE

And when was the last time you were on a bus?

NILES

That's not important right now. At least you've got your entire seat to yourself.

DAPHNE

No I haven't because I've got you clinging to me like a spider monkey in heat. Now if it were affectionately I wouldn't mind but I am not a life preserver.  

NILES

Don't blame me, blame the rather rotund hairy man sitting next to me. He's spilling over into my seat.

DAPHNE

(TO FRASIER) Can I switch with you?

FRASIER

Are you kidding? I had to cope with this for eleven hours across the Atlantic last summer when you were in Manchester.

NILES

Don't you find it offensive the way that they herd you on here like cattle? I mean for that man wearing the beer can hat and the Hooters T-shirt it's fine but not for someone of my social standing.

DAPHNE

Just be thankful you have an American passport. I still have to travel on my British one, which means that even though we're married I'm still technically a foreigner, which means I still get strip-searched at the boarding gate by the large loafer wearing woman. When I saw her pull that long wooden stick out I was just getting ready to bend over the table and grit my teeth when I realised that it was used to look through my hand baggage. 

NILES

Do they offer you a drink before takeoff? No! You have to wait forty minutes to have a bag of peanuts hurtling towards your head at break neck speed and a drink dropped in your lap by the Gestapo stewardesses.

MARTIN CLOSES HIS EYES IN FRUSTRATION

MARTIN

Niles why don't you just watch the movie and shut the hell up?

NILES

I don't want to watch the movie.

MARTIN

Then why don't you just shut the hell up?

ROZ ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AT THE FRONT OF THE CABIN

ROZ

Oh hi guys.

NILES

(SUSPICIOUS) Roz what were you doing behind that curtain?

DAPHNE

Oh no.

ROZ

Just...going for a walk.

NILES

But that's the first class curtain. When I tried to go behind there they threw me out like I attended Monster Truck Rally's and drank beer from a can.

FRASIER

They never saw her.

ROZ

That's right they never saw me.

NILES

Then where's your seat?

A BEAT

ROZ

Right at the back of the plane.

NILES

Show me.

ROZ

(CRUMBLING) Oh all right fine, Alice and I have been bumped up to the last available first class seats.

MARTIN PUSHES THE BUTTON TO CALL FOR A STEWARDESS

NILES

What?!

FRASIER

Sedatives! Sedatives! I did warn you.

NILES

I don't believe this!

THE STEWARDESS WALKS DOWN TO MARTIN

STEWARDESS

Can I help you Sir?

MARTIN

You don't happen to have an ejector seat on board do you?

STEWARDESS

I'm afraid not.

MARTIN

I didn't think so but I just thought I'd check.

FRASIER

Niles will you just calm down. We're nearly there now. I'd prefer to be up there as well but do you see me complaining?

THE STEWARDESS HANDS FRASIER A BRANDY

STEWARDESS

Here's your brandy Sir.

FRASIER

Thank you.

FRASIER STARTS TO DRINK HIS BANDY WITH ONE LARGE GULP

DAPHNE

Where's Alice?

ROZ

She's asleep.

MARTIN

Ah I remember when you kids were small enough to curl up on an aeroplane seat and go to sleep in your little slumber masks. And your Mom knew just how to cheer me up. "Don't worry Marty, no one will know they're pretentious. People will think they like the Lone Ranger."

ROZ

She doesn't need to curl up. Our seats lie completely flat like beds. Who needs a bathroom to join the Mile High Club in first class? It's like they're encouraging it.

NILES

What?! You have beds when we have chairs that recline a quarter of an inch and a blanket that looks and smells like it's been made from a retirement home bed spread?

ROZ

But that's nothing. There's actually a bar through there. I've done myself a little flirting.

NILES BEGINS TO ROCK EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE

DAPHNE

Sweetheart I'm begging you unclench before you snap in two.

ROZ

I was the same. I felt a bit tense when I got on board but then the masseuse came around...

FRASIER

There's a masseuse?! (SHOUTS) Stewardess can I have another brandy please?

NILES

(SHOUTS) Make that two.  

ROZ

Well as long as you guys are fine back here I'd better get back. They're bringing around the first course soon.

ROZ EXITS BACK BEHIND THE CURTAIN

FRASIER

Our first course consisted of something that was formally salad. Oh wait that was our only course. (TO MARTIN WHO'S EYES ARE STILL CLOSED) How can you sleep in this hellish compartment? 

MARTIN

It's better then hearing you two whine.

A RATHER LARGE MAN ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AT THE FRONT OF THE CABIN AND SQUEEZES PAST NILES AND DAPHNE TO SIT BACK BY THE WINDOW

MAN

Excuse me. 

THE MAN ACCIDENTALLY SITS ON NILES BEFORE SLIDING OVER TO HIS SEAT

MAN (CONT'D)

Oops sorry about that. 

ONCE SEATED THE MAN TAKES A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS FROM HIS BAG AND STARTS TO EAT THEM

MAN (CONT'D)

(TO NILES) I'm sorry would you like one?

NILES

Not even if you paid me.

DAPHNE LEANS CLOSELY AND STARTS TO SPEAK REALLY QUIETLY TO NILES INTO HIS EAR

DAPHNE

You know I've thought of something that may make you relax a little more and enjoy the flight.

NILES

What?

DAPHNE ARCHES HER EYEBROWS AND STARTS TO PLAY WITH THE BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT

DAPHNE

Oh I think you can guess. (THEN) Fancy joining the club?

NILES

Even though I'm only "just fine"?

DAPHNE

I didn't want to make those guys jealous.

NILES

Are you serious?

DAPHNE

When am I not?

NILES

Where?

DAPHNE

In the bathroom obviously. We can't exactly do it in the cockpit even though it is aptly named for the occasion. 

NILES

We won't fit. Dad nearly knocked himself out on the door picking up his trousers.

DAPHNE

Oh believe me we'll fit. We should take advantage of it while we can since it won't be long before I'm so fat I won't be able to get in there on my own.

NILES

This isn't setting a very good example for our child.

DAPHNE

Trust me, even if it was aware I don't think it'd mind that mommy and daddy were getting a little. 

NILES

But it's the bathroom. Isn't that a little dirty?

DAPHNE

And it's the coach bathroom. It's even dirtier. Come on try living dangerously for once in your life. Would it change your mind if I said I wasn't wearing any underwear? 

NILES

I'm beginning to warm to the idea.

DAPHNE

I thought you might do. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM

NILES

If you can be quick I can be quiet.

DAPHNE

No you can't so it's a good job the engines are noisy. Wait a couple of minutes and then come down and knock on the door.

DAPHNE STANDS AND MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CABIN. JUST AS SHE REACHES THE BATHROOM DOOR ROZ ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN

ROZ

Hey Daphne come here. You've got to look at this.

ROZ PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN SO THAT DAPHNE CAN SEE

DAPHNE

Good lord it's like we're at Fox and Whistle.

ROZ

But there aren't any fistfights. 

DAPHNE

Or men relieving themselves in the corner.

ROZ

Wait until the party gets started first.

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES

MAN

(TO NILES) So I hear you're going to join the club.

NILES LOOKS AROUND FOR THE PERSON THAT THE MAN IS TALKING TO UNTIL FINALLY REALISING THAT HE'S TALKING TO HIM

NILES

Excuse me?

MAN

Is that your wife?

NILES

As a matter of fact it is.

MAN

Nice. My advice to you is wait for turbulence. You'll have less work to do. Just don't let the stewardess catch you. When I joined we were caught because the latch on the door accidentally got knocked open with my elbow. The Stewardess made us confess to a minister that just happened to be on board. I spent the last four hours of my flight reading from the Bible and doing Hail Mary's. 

NILES

Well that's a very interesting story but that wasn't what we were talking about. (THEN) Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. 

NILES STANDS AND WALKS QUICKLY DOWN TO THE BATHROOM. AFTER A QUICK LOOK AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS WATCHING NILES KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

Knock, knock. Open up. (WITH A DEEP VOICE) Ma'am I have your membership card ready. Would you like to join the club?

SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND A LITTLE OLD LADY ENTERS ADJUSTING HER GLASSES

OLD LADY

Is this included in the price of my ticket?

NILES

I'm sorry I seem to have...

OLD LADY

You'll have to be quick before my husband wakes up.

NILES

No, no I'm afraid...

OLD LADY

There's no need to be I won't bite. They're not my real dentures.

SHE THEN POINTS TO AN OLD MAN ASLEEP A FEW ROWS BACK

OLD LADY (CONT'D)

And don't worry about him, he won't mind. Let's face it the only thing that he can rise in the air these days is his fishing pole and then he struggles to get it past a 45-degree angle. 

NILES

No you don't understand...

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CURTAIN AND NILES GRABS HOLD OF HER

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne!

DAPHNE

What's going on?

NILES

(TO THE OLD LADY) If you'll excuse me I need to talk to my wife.

NILES AND DAPHNE MOVE BACK DOWN TOWARDS THEIR SEATS

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

THEY SIT BACK DOWN

NILES

I may never have sex again. I just hit on an old lady. 

FRASIER

If I only had a dollar for every time I heard that story.

NILES

Where were you?

DAPHNE

Sorry I got distracted. Roz was showing me around the first class compartment. They have seventeen different types of beer behind that bar. I've got to show your father.

DAPHNE STANDS AND SIGNALS MARTIN BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT BEHIND THE CURTAIN 

MAN

What's the matter? Couldn't rise to the occasion buddy? Don't worry it happens to the best of us.

THE MAN GIVES NILES A REASSURING TAP ON THE ARM

NILES

Then I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.

FRASIER

You got further then I did. Lilith and I argued about who would go to the toilet first. By the time we'd made up after I'd called her a harpy and a control freak, the landing gear was down in more ways then one.

NILES

Why do I get the impression that this trip is going to be a total disaster.

FRASIER

Don't worry Niles. Things are bound to look up...sorry. Things will look better when we get there.

AS FRASIER GIVES NILES A REASSURING TAP ON THE ARM WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "DR. FRASIER CRANE – PSYCHIC"

FADE IN:

INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3 

(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Alice)

WE FOCUS IN ON A WINDOW. THROUGH IT WE CAN SEE RAIN COMING DOWN SO HARD THAT IT'S STARTING TO FLOOD AND WIND THAT IS NEARLY BLOWING THE TRESS OVER. FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE ALL STARE OUTSIDE LOOKING MISERABLE

NILES

Do you have any other psychic visions Frasier?

FRASIER

I can't be right all of the time.

MARTIN

No but some of the time would be nice.

AS FRASIER SIGHS AND CONTINUES TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3 

(Martin, Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Alice, Eddie)

FOR THE FIRST TIME WE NOW SEE THE HOUSE IN MORE DETAIL WHICH IS BASICALLY ONE LARGE ROOM. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL TOWARDS THE TOP IS THE FRONT DOOR. MARTIN SITS ON A STOOL IN A PAIR OF RUBBER FISHING PANTS HOLDING HIS FISHING POLE AND LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW IN THE DOOR WITH EDDIE ASLEEP AT HIS FEET. NEXT TO THAT IS A LARGE WINDOW THAT SPREADS DOWN THE REST OF THE WALL AND INTO THE KITCHEN AREA. THE KITCHEN AREA CONSISTS OF A COOKER, SINK, DISHWASHER, FREEZER AND SEVERAL CUPBOARDS. AT THE END OF THE KITCHEN IS A BAR WITH THREE STOOLS WHERE DAPHNE AND ROZ ARE SITTING WITH NILES STANDING BEHIND DAPHNE RUBBING HER SHOULDERS. IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM IS A STAIRCASE THAT GOES UP AND ANOTHER DOOR, WITH A SMALL CUPBOARD NEXT TO THAT. FRASIER SITS ON THE BOTTOM STEP WATCHING THE RAIN. THE WHOLE OF THE LEFT HAND WALL IS MADE UP OF BALCONY DOORS SHOWING THE WIND AND THE RAIN. NEAREST TO US ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS A DINNING TABLE AND SIX CHAIRS. BEYOND THAT IS A COUCH AND TWO CHAIRS AIMING AT A TELEVISION SET. ALICE SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HER EYES FIXED ON THE TELEVISION. NEXT TO THE TELEVISION ARE THREE MORE DOORS LEADING TO TWO OTHER BEDROOMS WITH A BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE.

MARTIN

I've never seen rain like it. There's actually a river starting to flow underneath the house. Too bad there aren't any fish in it.

DAPHNE

Why don't you hang your fishing rod out the window anyway? You might be able to catch something. Even if it's a washed away little old lady. You might catch yourself a date.

ROZ

Frasier didn't you check the Weather Channel at all?

FRASIER

Yes Roz but unfortunately the Weather Channel at this time is unable to predict that a Tropical Storm will side swipe the entire state of Florida six weeks in advance when I booked this trip. Maybe if they fired a few of those trained meteorologists and hired a few psychics and tea readers to take over I'd be able to know the exact temperature for the next Fourth of July and what the love of my life is going to look like in tea leaves. 

DAPHNE

Who knew these storms could do so much damage.

FRASIER

Oh yes if only Hurricane Andrew could have tipped us all off.

NILES WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW NEXT TO MARTIN AND LOOKS OUT

MARTIN

Why did it have to hit here of all places? Isn't it some other states turn to get one of these?

DAPHNE

Well Nevada did bid to hold the next one but they didn't have the financial backing to support its move to the Gulf Coast like an Olympic bid.

FRASIER

Let's just call this punishment for the millions of old people unable to mark a simple ballot paper correctly. We should just be grateful that they haven't seen the need to evacuate us. And Niles will you stop looking at the car. It's fine.

NILES

What if it gets stolen?

FRASIER

In this weather?

NILES

Have you never heard of looters? There could be a gang waiting in the bushes ready to pounce.

FRASIER

Yes an elderly Jewish gang known as Oy in the Hood.

NILES TURNS AROUND AND PULLS A FACE LIKE HE'S SMELLING SOMETHING

ROZ

Niles what is your problem? You've been pulling that same pained expression for the last hour. Anyone would think you had to endure the rubber glove treatment at the airport during a random drug search.

NILES

After flying across the country in coach that would be the icing on the cake.

NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO DAPHNE AND STARTS TO RUB HER SHOULDERS AGAIN

ROZ

Will you let it go already. I couldn't enjoy the experience thanks to you. It was so hard to take advantage of the free flowing champagne when I could sense you whining behind me.

NILES

Champagne?!

DAPHNE PUTS HER HANDS ON NILES' HANDS

DAPHNE

Count to ten.

NILES

I'm fine now, but what is that awful smell?

MARTIN

I've already hosed these pants down and scrapped the eyes and scales from the traction. I'd hose them down again but they'd loose all character.

NILES

No it's not that it's that musty greasy smell? I can feel it clogging up my pours as I speak. We'll all need a facial when we leave.

MARTIN

I don't smell anything.

FRASIER STANDS AND STARTS TO WALK AROUND THE ROOM BEFORE LEANING UP AGAINST A KITCHEN CUPBOARD

FRASIER

I smell it. It reminds me of...McGinty's. Wait I know what that is. It's the smell that wafts from the kitchen's deep fat fryer every time the door swings open and before the waiter with pink eye throws your food at you. Suddenly Dad's frequent upset stomachs make sense. 

NILES

The dreaded onion loaf smell. Seven trips to the dry cleaners and they still haven't been able to rid my blue blazer of it. It's possessed. Now every time I wear it Eddie looks at me like I'm a pork chop.

DAPHNE

It's certainly a smell to quell your appetite. Permanently.

NILES

Where's it coming from?

ROZ

My guess would be from the kitchen's deep fat fryer but hey I'm not a doctor.

NILES

I've got to get away from it. It's making me go dizzy. 

NILES CROSSES TO THE LEFT OF THE BEDROOM DOORS ON THE BACK WALL AND EXITS INSIDE BEFORE CLOSING THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

(OFF STAGE) Uh-oh.

FRASIER

Uh-oh what?

NILES ENTERS FROM THE ROOM

NILES

It seems to be following me. It's in this room with me! It's like it has a life of it's own. Frasier we must destroy this smell before it destroys our sense of smell and the joys of wine tasting for us forever. Do you think we'd be able to get an Exorcist to come out in this weather?

MARTIN

Yeah just check the Yellow Pages under 'Loon' and I'm sure you'll find an Exorcist to come out in the middle of a Tropical Storm and rid the house of a grease smell.

NILES SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE

NILES

Are you making fun of me?

MARTIN

It's so hard to tell, I do it so often these days.

ROZ

I'm hungry. Do you think the pizza delivery guy will come out in this?

DAPHNE

Try them.

ROZ STANDS AND WALKS TO THE PHONE LOCATED NEXT TO THE REFRIGERATOR. SHE READS A NUMBER WRITTEN ON A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE DOOR AND DIALS

ROZ

(ON THE PHONE) Hi. I was wondering do you deliver? I see. Okay. Thank you.

ROZ HANGS UP THE PHONE BEFORE STANDING NEXT TO FRASIER

FRASIER

What did they say?

ROZ

No we don't deliver. We do chicken, ham, pepperoni and anchovies.

DAPHNE

Which means?

ROZ

I doubt he'd be able to find his car keys let alone this house in a storm. So it looks like we're eating what's left from the welcome package. Who wants the lemon and who wants to suck on a tea bag?

FRASIER

As tempting as they both sound, I'll just pass.

DAPHNE

(TO MARTIN) How long exactly are you going to stay in those rubber pants? The way you're clutching your pole you look like an oversized garden gnome. 

MARTIN

I only wear them when I fish. And I need to be ready for when the sky clears so I can go straight outside and catch me a big old catfish.

FRASIER

We're hours into a Tropical Storm. It takes you three days to put those on?

MARTIN

The sky is going to clear any minute now I can feel it.

FRASIER

Yes Dad except that will be the eye of the storm.

MARTIN

Oh it's not that bad its only side swiped us.

ROZ

Are you kidding? I've never seen wind like this in my life. I'm still waiting to see a cow fly past the window.

ROZ CROSSES TO THE DINNING ROOM TABLE AND SITS DOWN. SHE THEN PICKS UP A LAMP AND A SILVER REFLECTIVE BOARD FROM OFF THE FLOOR IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET A SUN TAN.

NILES

Why have you even bought big rubber pants anyway Dad?

MARTIN

Because I'm going to be fishing. When you fish you need rubber-fishing pants.

NILES

When it settles down it'll be over 90 degrees out there.

MARTIN

I need to wade into the water a little.

FRASIER

If you wade out there you'll be wading into the mouth of an alligator. You do realise all of these waters connect to the Everglades? 

MARTIN

I know. Fancy taking a swim?

ROZ SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT BULB AND REFLECTS THE LIGHT ON HER FACE WITH THE BOARD

NILES

(TO ROZ) What is that?

ROZ

It's a light bulb. I came here to get a tan and I'm going away with one, one way or another.

NILES

Really? I just thought you'd decided to sear everyone's retinas. 

AS NILES RUBS HIS EYES ROZ TURNS THE BULB OFF

ROZ

Well what are we going to do until the storm clears?

FRASIER CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE TV REMOTE CONTROL

FRASIER

We could watch some TV. 

FRASIER SWITCHES CHANNELS, WHICH CAUSES ALICE TO LET OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. FRASIER SWITCHES CHANNELS BACK AGAIN AND ALICE STOPS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Or not. I see Alice is fine.

NILES

And so are her lungs. I only thought dolphins could reach such a high pitch.

ROZ

I know it's amazing isn't it. Someone who can scream louder then you can Niles. I didn't think that was possible. 

NILES

I've told you I saw a beast in our room.

DAPHNE

It was a tiny cockroach.

NILES

Exactly. Doesn't it alarm you that we're staying in a house that has cockroaches squatting in it?

MARTIN

It's the snakes coming up through the toilet seat that you should worry about. I saw it on a 60 Minutes special. Cottonmouth Snakes. And when those things bite you, they won't let go in a hurry.

NILES

Snakes? Well there's a trip to the hospital to look forward to when my kidneys finally explode.

FRASIER

You've brought a suitcase full of insect repellent. Surely you must have something for cockroaches in there. 

NILES

I've already let off my two roach bombs in there but it seems to have super human strength. I passed out from the fumes but the cockroach seemed to just inhale it. That thing could snort anthrax and I don't think it would kill it.

DAPHNE

I told you I'd have caught it myself if you hadn't let those bombs off in there you big baby. I couldn't risk the baby with those fumes.

FRASIER

Niles you really need to see someone about this bug phobia of yours.

NILES

I don't have a bug phobia. I just don't want them anywhere near me. Or to even look at them. Or know that they exist at all.

FRASIER

Oh yes there's no phobia there.

NILES STANDS AND WALKS OVER TO THE OTHER BEDROOM DOOR

NILES

I wonder if it's safe to go back in there again. Eddie? Eddie come here boy. Come on.

MARTIN

Leave him.

NILES

What did we bring him for then if not to protect us from the local wildlife? 

NILES EXITS INSIDE THE BEDROOM. HE IMMEDIATELY ENTERS AGAIN COUGHING AND SHUTS THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

You'd best leave it another hour.

FRASIER

Why are your eyes watering?

NILES

I think I've gone blind.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE AND SHE RUBS HIS FACE

FRASIER

Oh for heaven sake I'll open up the window.

AS FRASIER EXITS INSIDE ROZ CROSSES OVER AND SITS ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH BEHIND ALICE AND STARTS TO STROKE HER HAIR. ALICE DOESN'T TAKE HER EYES OFF THE TELEVISION

ROZ

What are you watching Alice?

ALICE

TV.

ROZ

What programme?

ALICE

Bear.

ROZ

Do you want anything to eat?

ALICE

No.

FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE AS NILES CROSSES OVER TO THE BATHROOM DOOR AND PEERS INSIDE

ROZ

I can't help but notice my sweet baby girl has become an obnoxious teenager nine years too early and right in front of my eyes.

MARTIN

Be grateful for that phase. Treasure the silent treatment, my boys never stopped talking to me.

DAPHNE

Well what are we going to do for the rest of the day? We can't go anywhere and...(TO NILES) what are you doing now?

NILES

Just checking the bathroom.

DAPHNE

For what exactly?

NILES

Something small and slimy. 

MARTIN

Niles I was just kidding with you there aren't really any snakes that come up through the toilets.

NILES

Really?

ROZ

No. They're really more of an alligator. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE

DAPHNE

Do you think it's possible you could all stop being vile to each other for just an hour? We're on vacation. This is supposed to be fun and yet there are sieges that are less hostile then this house. 

ROZ

It depends. Can we get drunk first?

MARTIN

All this watching the rain is making me thirsty. I need a beer.

MARTIN PUTS HIS FISHING POLE DOWN, WALKS OVER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND OPENS IT

MARTIN (CONT'D)

Oh my God! There's no beer. Someone stole the beer! Where did all the beer go?

FRASIER

I can hazard a guess, inside you.

MARTIN

But there has to be some more. Just one can?

FRASIER

Sorry but you've drunk it all.

MARTIN

Then let's go down to the grocery store.

FRASIER

Or not. As much as I'd like to meet a talking scarecrow and lion, I'm not being whisked off to the Land of Oz for the sake of a six-pack. 

DAPHNE

Isn't there some sort of game we could play to pass the time?

ROZ

Well since we're no longer allowed to abuse one another I think I saw some games in the cupboard.

NILES OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND LOOKS INSIDE

NILES

I'll have a look. 

SUDDENLY NILES SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND STARTS TO RUN ACROSS THE ROOM

NILES (CONT'D)

Oh my God! Run!

DAPHNE

What's the matter?

NILES

Cockroach! Cockroach! Daphne get behind me. 

AS DAPHNE LIFTS HER FEET OFF THE FLOOR NILES JUMPS UP ONTO THE COUCH. AS HE LANDS HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE TV REMOTE CONTROL, TURNING IT OFF. THE MOMENT IT SWITCHES OFF ALICE STARTS TO SCREAM

NILES (CONT'D)

Don't worry, don't worry sweetie. I won't let it get you Alice honey.

DAPHNE

It's not that you big dope the TV's gone off.

ROZ

Calm down sweetie. There you go. 

ROZ GRABS THE REMOTE FROM UNDER NILES' FOOT AND SWITCHES THE TV BACK ON AS ALICE STOPS SCREAMING

ROZ (CONT'D)

Could you be a bigger girl?

NILES

Alice screamed as well.

ROZ

That's because she's four years old and you were screaming and running towards her like a man possessed. That'd scare the hell out of me. 

NILES

I take your point but how about we debate and mock my gender when there is no longer a man-eating beast lurking in the cupboard. 

FRASIER

Let me see. 

NILES

Be careful Frasier. Take Dad's cane to defend yourself.

FRASIER CAREFULLY OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND LOOKS INSIDE

FRASIER

Oh my God!

NILES

I told you! I told you! Kill it Frasier. Sacrifice Eddie if you have to.

MARTIN

Hey!

FRASIER

It's a checker piece.

NILES

A what?

FRASIER

It's a checker! 

FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP A BLACK CHECKER PIECE

NILES

But it had beady little eyes.

ROZ

So do you. Could you be anymore pathetic?

NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE COUCH AS MARTIN PICKS UP SOME EMPTY BEER CANS FROM THE GARBAGE AND TRIES TO DRAIN ANY LAST DROPS FROM THEM INTO A GLASS

NILES

I'm sorry but I'd already seen one genetically engineered cockroach today. What's that expression once bitten, twice shy?

MARTIN

Your mother and I were like that after Frasier was born but we overcame it and thought we couldn't possible have two children like it. Then you came along.

FRASIER

How flattering. 

DAPHNE

I thought we were all going to be nice to one another?

FRASIER

(OVERLY CHEERY) And so we are. Say Dad what are you doing?

MARTIN

Getting myself a drink. If I'm lucky I might be able to drain half a glass from these cans.

FRASIER

(OVERLY CHEERY) I see. That's either a sign of madness or that you'll be needing a liver transplant soon. 

DAPHNE GLARES AT FRASIER

FRASIER (CONT'D)

(TO DAPHNE) What? I said it nicely. 

NILES STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH THE CUPBOARD

NILES

There aren't many games in here. Just twenty thousands years worth of dust. I don't think this shelf has been touched since the Stone Age.

DAPHNE

There must be something in there we can play.

ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH GO TO LOOK IN THE CUPBOARD

NILES

How about count the dust bunnies?

ROZ PULLS OUT A BOX COVERED IN DUST

ROZ

What's this? 

ROZ BLOWS THE DUST OFF THE BOX ALL OVER NILES

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oops sorry Niles. It's a jigsaw puzzle. Two little kittens.

ROZ TAKES OFF THE COVER TO THE BOX

ROZ (CONT'D)

Well it should be according to the box.

DAPHNE

What do you mean it should be?

ROZ

Someone's done the puzzle, but it's not the one on the box.

DAPHNE AND NILES LOOK IN THE BOX

DAPHNE

Then what is it? Good Lord. Look at that!

FRASIER

What is it?

FRASIER CROSSES TO THEM AND LOOKS IN THE BOX

ROZ

If you want to remain feeling like a man, I wouldn't look if I were you. It won't do much for your confidence.

FRASIER

What does that mean? Ah I see. 

DAPHNE

That's not a five o'clock shadow that's an eclipse. 

FRASIER

I've never felt so emasculated in my life.

DAPHNE

Isn't that a little dangerous? He could have someone's eye out.

NILES

But more alarmingly what kind of people have been staying here that would buy that puzzle, build it in a box with kittens on the front and then leave it here?

ROZ PULLS ANOTHER BOX FROM THE CUPBOARD

ROZ

At least we've found something to spend the rest of the day doing.

FRASIER

Yes disinfecting the beds and linen. 

ROZ

No I meant this. Twister.

NILES

Twister?

A BEAT

FRASIER

But we're doctors.

ROZ

So?

NILES

Please be kidding.

ROZ

Do you have any better ideas?

FRASIER

For some reason making a swim for it seems to be becoming more appealing by the minute.

AS ROZ OPENS THE BOX AND STARTS TO PULL THE MAT OUT WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3 

(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Alice, Eddie)

DAPHNE REMAINS SITTING ON A STOOL AT THE BAR HOLDING THE SPINNER FOR THE TWISTER GAME. THE TWISTER MAT IS NOW SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR WITH FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ATTEMPTING TO PLAY. ALL THREE OF THEM ARE ON ALL FOURS WITH BOTH HANDS AND FEET ON COLOURED CIRCLES. FRASIER HAS HIS HEAD RATHER NEAR TO NILES' REAR. MARTIN CONTINUES TO SIT BY THE WINDOW BUT WATCHING THE GAME RATHER THEN THE RAIN NOW ALONG WITH EDDIE. ALICE REMAINS WATCHING THE TELEVISION. DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD

DAPHNE

Niles right foot blue.

NILES LOOKS FOR THE COLOUR

NILES

Okay. Daphne you know how we talked about after this little bundle of joy is born having another in the future?

DAPHNE

Yes.

NILES

Well that's no longer going to be a possibility if I try to stretch my leg that far. Can't you spin it again?

ROZ

No that's cheating. Here let me help you.

ROZ TAKES NILES' LEG AND STRETCHES IT ACROSS SO THAT IT'S ON A BLUE CIRCLE CAUSING HIM TO ALMOST DO THE SPLITS

NILES

(WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE AND A SLIGHTLY HIGHER PITCHED VOICE) Thanks Roz. I thought that was going to be painful but you made it excruciating. 

DAPHNE

This isn't playing nicely boys and girls. 

FRASIER

Niles for the last time will you move your posterior from out of my face!

NILES

I can't help it!

ROZ

Will you two stop arguing and just move!

DAPHNE

I told you this would all end in tears.

FRASIER

Only if my legs slip.

DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD AGAIN

DAPHNE

Roz right hand yellow.

ROZ

Okay. This is going to be difficult.

ROZ STRETCHES HER ARM BETWEEN NILES' LEGS TO REACH THE CIRCLE

NILES

(FLINCHING) Roz do you mind!

ROZ

Oh don't flatter yourself.

DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD AGAIN

DAPHNE

Frasier left hand red. 

AS FRASIER GOES TO MOVE EDDIE BECOMES INTERESTED IN WHAT'S GOING ON AND GETS IN HIS WAY

FRASIER

Eddie. Shoo Eddie. Get away. I said get away. What do you want? Dad help me here.

MARTIN

He thinks you want to play with him.

FRASIER

If you mean playing locking him outside and seeing how long it takes him to blow away I wouldn't mind.

MARTIN

I should be careful if I were you. You're in a pretty vulnerable position. Playing might not be the only thing that he has on his mind.

NILES

Isn't there another game we could play? One that doesn't involve Roz molesting me?

DAPHNE

Fine.

FRASIER AND NILES STAND UP FOLLOWED BY ROZ

FRASIER

But wait who won that game?

MARTIN

Whoever was the last person to stand up?

ROZ

Don't feel sorry boys, I'm just more limber then you two are.

FRASIER

No doubt from all those years of...

DAPHNE

And we're playing nicely children.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE AS ROZ SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND FRASIER ON THE STAIRS. FROM THIS POINT THE MOOD OF THE ROOM CHANGES AS SLOWLY EVERYONE BEGINS TO SNAP AT ONE ANOTHER

NILES

But that's not fair. I had to move so that Frasier could stand up.

DAPHNE

Let it go. Okay I've thought of a game we can all play.

ROZ

Spin the bottle?

DAPHNE

Since four out of the five of us are related and we're not in Arkansas I don't think that's such a good idea.

ROZ

It was either that or Russian Roulette. 

NILES

Damn you never have a gun when you need one.

ROZ

We don't need one. We could use that green stuff in the fridge.

FRASIER

What green stuff?

ROZ

It's either really new cheese or really old meat.

MARTIN

I think I'll pass on both.

ROZ

Strip poker then.

NILES

Why do all of your suggestions either involve death, nakedness or some sort of orgy?

ROZ

Did no one else go to sleep away camp as a kid?

FRASIER

Yes but to an exclusive country club not at a brothel at the red light district in Amsterdam. 

DAPHNE

I was actually thinking about something more along the lines of the "If I was an animal what kind of animal would I be" game.

FRASIER

Fine Roz you find the deck of cards. I'm going to put a few more layers on.

DAPHNE

What's wrong with that game? We might find out things about each other that we didn't already know.

FRASIER

Like what? What could you possibly not already know about Niles that you could learn from that game?

DAPHNE

Why I sometimes hear him growling in his sleep.

NILES

I don't growl in my sleep.

DAPHNE

How would you know? You're asleep.

NILES

What kind of growl?

DAPHNE

The kind that Eddie does when you're eating something and won't give him any.

NILES

Really? How alarming. 

FRASIER

Actually it's more of the growl that Eddie does when you mention the word B.A.T.H. 

EDDIE JUMPS UP AND RUNS AND EXITS INTO ONE OF THE BEDROOMS

FRASIER (CONT'D)

I see his spelling is improving with each passing day.

NILES

How do you know I growl in my sleep?

FRASIER

I spent ten years sleeping in the same room as you Niles. I also know your thumb sucking habit, the leg twitching and that funny-breathing thing that you do.

DAPHNE

That drives me up the wall. 

FRASIER

He still does it?

DAPHNE

At least four times a night.

ROZ

What breathing thing?

DAPHNE

It's like one big deep breath that seems to last for about twenty minutes. It sounds a bit like Darth Vada having an asthma attack.

MARTIN

(EXCITEDLY REALISING) I know that noise. He started doing it as a baby. He sucked so hard the one night I thought he was going to inhale his blanket.

NILES

How nice you've found a topic of conversation you can all enjoy.

DAPHNE

I'm sorry honey. Well unless anyone else has got a better idea, who wants to start?

ROZ

Oh fine. I'll start. If I were an animal I'd be a...

FRASIER

Rabbit?

ROZ

No. I was going to say that if I were an animal I'd be a...

NILES

Gnat? 

ROZ

Why would I want to be a gnat?

NILES

Well your life mirrors that of a common gnat more then you'd think. They only live for a day but in that short time they have sex roughly forty thousand times.

ROZ

The complete polar opposite to your life then?

DAPHNE

(FRUSTRATED) Will you lot all stop going after one another today. You're driving me insane.

ROZ

Sorry Daphne. I guess it must just be the rain.

MARTIN

Thank God Lilith and Freddie didn't come with us or she would have melted in the rain.

ROZ

I don't think her broom would have got clearance to land in this weather anyway.

FRASIER

That's the mother of my child you're talking about.

NILES

Hey look Frasier's thought of a new game to play stating the obvious.

FRASIER

Actually Daphne it might be the rain and the fact that Niles has been nothing but a big baby on this trip so far.

NILES

Take that back! (CHILDISHLY) I'm not the baby. You are. Is it so much to ask to not have to travel and stop in squalor? 

ROZ

One cockroach is hardly squalor.

NILES

To a woman who spends most of her time down at the docks maybe not.

DAPHNE

Stop it the lot of you! Calm down and let's play the game before I go out and find a gun to play Russian Roulette with.

NILES

You're right sweetheart. I'll go. If I were an animal I'd be...

FRASIER

Something without a spine?

MARTIN

I'd be a bat, so I'd be deaf and didn't have to listen to you three fight.

FRASIER

As opposed to how much fun it's been listening to you incessantly whine about the weather?

MARTIN

All I want to do is fish.

FRASIER

Then here. Let me put Alice's fish sticks down the toilet. Enjoy yourself.

FRASIER STANDS AND GETS A PACKET OF FISH STICKS FROM THE FREEZER. HE THEN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND THROWS THEM DOWN THE TOILET

NILES

That's just encouraging some sort of beast to be attracted to the scent and attack us!

ROZ

And you're an educated man, you say?

MARTIN

Well forgive me for expecting to be able to fish on a fishing vacation!

FRASIER

For the last time, forgive me for being unable to predict the weather! Sometimes I really wonder why I bother. I treat us all to this...

ROZ

Do you ever shut up?

FRASIER

Forgive me! Let's return back to the game shall we? If I were an animal I'd be...

NILES

Something that makes constant noise. 

FRASIER

At least I'm trying to entertain us.

MARTIN

By putting fish sticks down the toilet?

DAPHNE STANDS AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE DOOR BY THE STAIRCASE

NILES

What? Wait Daphne where are you going?

DAPHNE

Away from you lot!

NILES

But the storm?

DAPHNE

If you don't mind I'd rather take my chances with tornadoes and flying alligators then stay here and listen to this.

NILES

Where are you going?

DAPHNE

To take the tires off the car. Then I'm going to sit in it and wait for lightening to strike it.

DAPHNE EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR GOING DOWN SOME STAIRS AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER

NILES

Do you see what you've done now?!

FRASIER

I've done? Roz started it.

ROZ

Oh that's rich coming from you!

AS THEY ALL CONTINUE TO ARGUE WE:

FADE OUT

(F)

FADE IN:

EXT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY – DAY/3 

(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Alice)

THE PARKING GARAGE IS LOCATED UNDER THE HOUSE, WHICH FOR THE FIRST TIME IS SHOWN TO BE ON STILTS. ALL OF THE WAY AROUND IS WOOD LATTICE, WHICH SEEMS TO BE PROTECTING THE INSIDE FROM THE RAIN AND THE WIND, AND IN THE CENTRE IS A DOOR CONTAINING THE STAIRS GOING UP. A PEOPLE CARRIER SITS IN THE GARAGE WITH DAPHNE SITTING INSIDE AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE DOOR, WHICH IS LEFT OVER. HE IMMEDIATELY WALKS OVER TO THE CAR, BATTLING AGAINST THE WIND, AND TAPS ON THE WINDOW. 

DAPHNE

What are you doing down here?

NILES

What am I doing down here? What are you doing down here? Let me in.

DAPHNE UNLOCKS THE CAR AND NILES GETS IN

DAPHNE

I'm sick of hearing you lot yell at one another. If I wanted that I could have gone home for a couple of weeks and watch my mother trade insults with the neighbours over the fence. I wouldn't mind if she deserved it but she's the sweetest Nun that you're ever likely to meet. I can't be trapped in a house with all this screaming. It's like being locked in a loony bin.

NILES

So you'd rather be trapped in a car in the middle of a storm? (THEN) I'm sorry sweetheart.

DAPHNE

It's not me you should be apologising to.

NILES

I know. What do you want me to do?

DAPHNE

Go up stairs and be the bigger person by apologising first.

NILES

Is there anything else you'd rather I do?

DAPHNE

Nope.

NILES

It's not all my fault. They were giving as much as they were getting. (PAUSE) If not more.

DAPHNE

I know that Niles but you're all so stubborn that we're likely to spend the rest of the week like this unless someone says they're sorry.

NILES

Then why do I have to be the first one to do it?

DAPHNE

Let me put it this way, if you don't go up there and apologise to them all right now there's no more sex for you. Ever again. And I mean it.

NILES

Fine.

DAPHNE

Oh you are so easy.

SHE KISSES HIM

NILES

You just have that effect on me. 

THEY KISS

NILES (CONT'D)

You go in. I'll lock the car. 

DAPHNE GETS OUT THE CAR AND GOES BACK UP THE STAIRS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER. NILES THEN GETS OUT OF THE CAR BEFORE LOCKING THE CAR FROM THE INSIDE. HE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND TURNS THE HANDLE. THE DOOR DOESN'T OPEN.

NILES (CONT'D)

Uh-oh. 

NILES THEN GOES BACK TO DAPHNE'S SIDE OF THE CAR AND TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT'S LOCKED AS WELL. NILES THEN GOES BACK TO THE DOOR AND STARTS TO BANG ON IT.

NILES (CONT'D)

Daphne! Daphne!

RESET TO:

INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE – CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER AND ROZ ARE NOW SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS ALICE PLAYS ON THE FLOOR. MARTIN HAS ALSO MOVED HIS STOOL OVER TOWARDS THE BALCONY WINDOW WHERE HE STILL WATCHES THE RAIN AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR BY THE STAIRS

FRASIER

Oh there you are. Listen we're so sorry Daphne.

MARTIN

Yeah I guess it's just being cooped up like this.

DAPHNE

Oh don't worry about it.

FRASIER

Where's Niles?

DAPHNE

He's just locking the car. He'll be up in a second.

ROZ

Meanwhile we've found a game to play.

DAPHNE

Will it end in tears?

FRASIER

No we've burnt the Twister mat.

ROZ

Actually it's for Alice. Which means we can watch the TV while Martin still watches the rain.

DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO ROZ

MARTIN

Wow it's starting to really come down out there.

FRASIER

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

ROZ

I wouldn't want to be stuck out in that.

AS EVERYONE STARTS TO WATCH THE TELEVISION A SOAKING WET AND WIND BLOWN NILES APPEARS AT THE WINDOW BY THE FRONT DOOR WHERE MARTIN HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SITTING. HE TRIES TO MAINTAIN HIS BALANCE AGAINST THE WIND AND KNOCK ON THE WINDOW TO BE LET IN AS WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: DAPHNE LEADS A SOAKING WET NILES INTO THE BATHROOM TO HELP DRY HIM OFF. HE STARTS TO SHAKE FROM THE COLD AND DAPHNE HUGS HIM BEFORE TURNING AND GETTING A COUPLE OF TOWELS FROM UNDER THE SINK. SHE THEN WRAPS ONE AROUND HIS SHOULDERS AND PUTS THE OTHER ON HIS HEAD. NILES THEN SITS DOWN ON THE TOILET SEAT BUT IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP AND RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM YELLING SNAKE. DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO THE TOILET BEFORE TURNING TO NILES AND SIGHING. SHE THEN PICKS UP A FISH STICK FROM THE TOILET AND SHAKES HER HEAD.


End file.
